I've changed for this post as it's pretty outing.
It's a long one...please bear with!
DH and I have been married 22 years (with DD17 at home & DS19 in uni) we've had a fairly good life, but some very hard at times. We've emigrated countries, it was challenging. We've lost parents (mine particularly traumatically) had job challenges and at times things have been very tough financially, a health scare...all the types of things that weigh heavily on people and cause stress. We allowed the struggles of life to distract us, the DC got older, we both became unhappy, I feel I was suffering with my mental health after losing my parents the way I did, DH was having his own struggles. Instead of pulling together we drifted apart, we didn't support each other or even recognise the each other's feelings, we both carry blame. Our sex life suffered and during that time there was lots of bickering and a few huge fall outs, we felt bitterness to each other instead of kindness.
I had my head in the sand, I felt we were rock solid, I was still devoted and in love, I chose not to really accept our problems and if I was forced to do so I told myself we were in a 'rough patch' and we'd get through like we always had. There were always enough great times peppered in amongst the bad for me to cling to the hope that our foundation was still really solid and the love was still there.
DH on the other hand began to decide he was leaving me, the marriage was over for him. He never once talked to me about this decision or thought. He started a new all consuming hobby, started going out more, spending family money on his hobby, he stopped helping me out with things, was grumpy and unkind, picking arguments, but generally very selfish. Eventually he went to see a counsellor and poured his unhappiness out to her, told her it was over for him. She told him to tell his wife how he felt.
After some time, in another big argument he finally blurted it out, he wasn't in love with me, he couldn't bear the thought of growing old with me, he wanted out. I was absolutely blindsided I didn't see it coming.
I came out fighting for our marriage, I loved him I wanted to work on us, get counselling and see if we could fix it. He says he recognised in me that night a love and passion for our marriage he hadn't felt in a long time.
He immediately agreed, it seems when he saw a flicker of hope he wanted to save us.
Since then we have been on a rollercoaster for two years, and working very hard on our relationship. There have been stages throughout that time of happiness and progress, but with some more details unfolding and more honest revelations in counselling our progress hasn't been smooth, there have been some awful bad patches too. He has moved out twice, but soon returned.
I feel like we are always get back to square one though.
His idea of working hard is spending lots of time together, we do so many lovely things as a couple (mostly the things we do are his idea of fun, I enjoy them too but we'd never do something I'd like, I feel I've made a lot of concessions, by his own admission he is a selfish person)
There are lots of things about my personality he doesn't like, he's very judgemental about the way I perform tasks. I have tried very hard to cause less conflict and give in more, his life has become a lot easier and the home is much happier (but I feel I'm always on eggshells to be a better person and help keep him happy, he openly compares me to the women in his family and I am not like them)
The main issue that keeps damaging us is in many disagreement or upsets (sometimes even something small unrelated disagreement) he will escalate things to a whole different level...he will shout and scream uncontrollably at me, that he can't live with me, his feelings have changed, he still wants to leave, he's still unhappy. He seems to have a personality transplant in these moments. He will cry and sob like a little child, he will apologise for his feelings about me changing and be inconsolable or he will rage and call me mean, manipulative, sneer at me, mock me and say awful things about my parents death or my job (both things that are my biggest hurts and insecurities) and ALWAYS tells me the marriage is over. In the heat of the moment He'll say I make him this way and it's my fault (he's never lost his temper with another single human being - ever. It must all be my fault)
When he finally comes down from the outburst he is mortified, regretful and begs for another chance, professes undying love for me, complete commitment. Takes all the blame. The next while is filled with grand gestures of love, words of kindness and promises of a brighter future. I can tell he's under great pressure to fix what the hurt he's caused, he always promises it will never happen again. It always does.
In these moments he will act as destructively towards our marriage as he possibly can, he has no regard for who witnesses the outburst and our DD is damaged by witnessing some of these.
But I am always left damaged and hurt, my mental health has suffered greatly, I feel useless and unlovable and I have had thoughts of self harm and suicide. I feel he's chosen the wrong life partner, and I've failed to live up to his idea of a wife. Anything other than complete serenity in the home takes him back to thoughts that the marriage is broken.
He has admitted (with shame) that when saying those hurtful things to me in an argument he us trying to break me. (I feel he only stops when I have no fight left in me, and then agree that the marriage is over and I am the cause). The 'about turn' he then does would make your head spin! Begging to hug me and wanting assurances that I still love him etc
I am exhausted, I love him very much and I hate seeing him so distressed and tormented, but I'm losing faith in our marriage and relationships in general, I can't see myself ever feeling strong enough to ever leave, and I'd worry too much about him without me anyway as he needs me to navigate his emotions, he doesn't have anyone, no friends he isn't close to his family. I just don't want to leave, I want to find a way to fix him.
Re-reading this i worry I've made myself sound like an innocent victim. Please rest assured, dear reader, I can be very fiery and opinionated and very stubborn too! I am a good person, fiercely loyal and competent devoted and committed. I have had my fair share of blue ups and melt downs. I am flawed and have been rather difficult over the years. Less so now, but I feel my past mistakes are always hanging over me and used against me regularly.
I'd be very interested in peoples opinions, I know MN are a harsh jury and I don't want to just hear LTB. He's a good man, but obviously quite troubled. I'm just so exhausted by this....