I hate myself for nagging

[Cally1968]

Backstory: Been together 17 years, not married. Yes, I love him and I fell in love with him because he's not a 9 to 5 sort of person, he's hard working and daft as a brush and funny. So why do I nag him to death? Can't I just let him be him and do what he likes? Everything he does, I have to chirp up about it. Watering the garden last night, I'm telling him to water the soil not the leaves. Feeding the dog, I tell him how to do it. He puts a shelf up, I tell him it needs to go a bit to the left.

The words come out of my mouth and I could kick myself. I've changed since the menopause, I'm much more anxious about everything. If something goes missing, I blame him. He's getting sick to death of it and I can understand why, I'm sick of myself. I take a little dose of Citalopram which has helped my anxiety, but I just wish I could fix my relationship because he really is fed up at the moment and I just want him to fall back in love with me.

Any suggestions people, before I end up single?

Maybe start by telling him you know that you’ve started doing this and that you’re working on it. It might make him feel less frustrated if he knows you acknowledge there is an issue and are taking responsibility for changing it.

Does he have a part to play in this too though? Does he do enough domestically. I know that I ‘nag’ DH but that’s only because he doesn’t pull his weight and I’ve got sick of asking nicely.

Yes, talk to him. Tell him you know what you are doing and ask him to tell you to stop when it starts !

This isn't just you though
If he waters the leaves your plants will get scorched and be unhealthy
If your shelf is not straight it might be hard to use
Can you have a chat with him about if/how to raise things that are important (andcommit to letting the small stuff go)

you have taken the first step by recognising and
understanding the way he is. Maybe sit down with him and tell him what you've just told us.

If this is a manifestation of your anxiety like you suggest, maybe it would help to work on your anxiety rather than on your relationship. I have experienced the same, I become critical when I’m anxious. Counselling helped (I’ve also tried CBT but preferred counselling/therapy).

Stop watching him do things.

Take a beat and a deep breath before you say anything critical to him. Ask yourself "do I want or need to say this? Does it matter?"

I used to be a bit like this I'm ashamed to say, and I still can be sometimes. I'm a real perfectionist and can be a bit controlling about things round the house. In our situation that meant I end up doing everything because I wanted it done a certain way, and then I ended up annoyed that I did everything. My husband is very easy going and secure in himself so he doesn't get too bothered by it, but I know he finds it frustrating that I still sometimes feel the need to 'supervise' him when he does things.

What I've done is try to take a step back and say 'how much does this really matter?' to myself before I speak. So if I like the bathroom cleaned in a specific way and he's doing it 'wrong' - does it actually matter? No. As long as it's getting cleaned who cares? I also try to leave the space if I feel like Im looking over his shoulder while he's doing something, I don't need to supervise a grown man cooking the dinner and I know it, so I go and do something else.

There are some things I am really particular about (beds - don't ask!) so we've just agreed that I do those and he does something else. And I never do this kind of thing in relation to how he looks after our three kids either, my way is not necessarily better and it's not fair for me to undermine him in front of them.

So, step back, walk away and give yourself some rules. Knowing that you do this is important and means you might be able to catch yourself before you start. It's all rooted in anxiety and not feeling good enough in my situation and knowing that helps me feel like it's not just because I'm a naggy cow!

Also tell him what you've told us. Trust me, he will appreciate that you know what you're doing and trying to stop.

Wow, so many replies, thank you. He's not perfect, he is just a bit gormless sometimes, which is a horrible thing to say, and so unfair. He is fabulous around the house, a bit nitpicky with me if I'm honest, but I kind of roll my eyes when he tells me I've bought too much food or something like that. He'll put the washer on - I even tell him how to load the thing and what cycle to put it on. We did have a bit of a barny at weekend, he had too much beer and was lairy and I was worried about him showing us all up in public, but that's a rare occasion and I just should have let him have a bit of fun. But me being me, I had to throw cold water on it.

My DH does this to me, it's very hurtful and makes me feel unappreciated. He isn't anxious necessarily, but he's likes to be on control of certain things (not me, just general things around the house).

What's helped us massively is to take 10 minutes or so a week to sit down and tell each other lovely/kind/ thoughtful things we've noticed about the other during that week. DH says it's helped him focus on how much I do for him, and it's helped me be less defensive when DH brings up something that's been worrying at him.

Tbh, it's getting controlling and ea when you can't let the guy load a dishwasher on his own or whatever, and make him feel like he can't do anything right.

@category12

Tbh, it's getting controlling and ea when you can't let the guy load a dishwasher on his own or whatever, and make him feel like he can't do anything right.

What's 'ea' please? You're right. That's why I hate myself. :(

Emotionally abusive.

Don't hate yourself - you're recognising there's a problem and that you need to change it.

Thank you. He can be a bit bombastic sometimes, bellowing at me but he reels himself in when I raise my eyebrows. Nobody can be a perfect match, I'm sure. I think I can sort myself out though to make things more harmonious, I really owe it to myself because he is a really really sound bloke deep down, I am very lucky.

Maybe you could do with relationship counselling if it's that you both have unhealthy communication patterns, maybe it's possible to reset.

Him yelling at you is no better.

I agree with others.

Talk to him or write him a letter telling him all the ways in which he is wonderful and how
You love and admire him.

That your day to criticism does not reflect how you feel about him and that you are aware and working on it. And like others say-anxiety makes you irritable and controlling and a bit perfectionist and its not fair on him when he is on the receiving end of that. He also needs to understand you speak to yourself like that unkindly and without patience and that its not just him and you know you need to stop that too.

Tell him to call you out on it but also to say-you seem to be feeling anxious-whats really bothering you? And it will take the wind out of your sails a little.

Hi OP. As a man, in exactly this relationship (where I am the one being told what to do) (and I've posted before under different names and got great advice) then I think its good that you recognise it. That's the first stage.

I fully agree with @mistermagpie. Tell him, because that will build an enormous bridge across. I wish my DW would just say "I'm sorry, at times its too much but lets work on resolving it". She won't even admit it. That's a start. And then not only take a step back and maybe think about the times when it's not important but also think about the source. As some said, it might be perfectionsim or anxiety or something else. From that point you can then start to work on it a bit.

I've just sent a text to tell him how much I love him, and that he makes me so happy, he works so hard and makes beautiful things for us. I said I want to make him happy and I know I'm not doing a very good job of that and how sorry I am. I said I'm going to try my best to make things better.

I really need to change my ways and make some new habits. Thank you all so much for your help. Just what I needed. Affirmation that it's me, not him.

That's great OP. I am on my second marriage, my first failed mainly because a lot of the time we just didn't talk to each other. We weren't a team and we weren't on each other's side. In this marriage I was determined not to repeat those mistakes so we talk a lot and are always open to the other one saying 'you know what? I was really hurt/annoyed/upset/confused (or whatever) by what you said/did earlier - can we talk about it?' And on the flip side 'I'm sorry, I was a bit of a dick before and here's why' - we very rarely argue and have a pretty harmonious home as a result. I'm still a perfectionist and he still doesn't do things the way I would, be we can talk about it more.

Just what I needed. Affirmation that it's me, not him.

He probably plays into it, but it's a matter of where you cross the line - and what's important, isn't it?

Is it reasonable or sensible or kind to tell a grown adult how to load a dishwasher? Probably not.

There's ways and ways of communicating. If you're in a good place and have healthy communication styles, you can say "oh oops, I think that shelf is a bit uneven, sorry love - do you want us to try to live with it for a bit or shall we have another go?" with genuine smiles and affection - if you're in a bad place, you can come off with contempt and anger saying something similar.

It's about addressing what's underneath the jump to spikiness, irritation and resentment and trying to build/rebuild that loving and trusting backdrop to the relationship.

Well we seem to be back on something of an even keel. He didn't mention my text but was lovely to me last night and I was lovely back. He sometimes goes on a rant about things and whereas I used to let him prattle on till he'd run out of steam, but lately it's been irritating me and I think that's what causes me to fire back. I need to let it wash over.

Or ask him to offload some other way? You're not there to be his emotional dustbin.

Perhaps agree a time limit or a "filling" level - "I'm feeling a bit short on emotional resources myself, can we stop now?"

What I mean to say is it's OK to have boundaries and part of the reason that you are snappy and critical may be that you feel overwhelmed and put upon?

The answer isn't just to suck it up, but to have some manageable limits as well as trying to be tolerant.

I feel like there's a backstory here, there's more going on. The bellowing you mentioned, the ranting, the nitpicking... it really doesn't sound like this is a one way thing where you nag and he puts up with it. Why didn't he mention your text?

I just want him to fall back in love with me

What makes you feel he's not in love with you? Is he distant? Cold? Quiet?