What does "getting your ducks in a row" look like?

[CatNamedEaster]

I have a relative, in their 70's but very active and mentally well, who we have suspected has been living in a controlling situation for a while, but no idea of the extent until now (felt like the spouse was just a bit too much of a critical dick).

Now that something has brought it all into the open we are trying to ascertain our relative's financial situation so that we don't just rush in in 'rescue' mode as an emotional response but make sure we help them to be in the best possible position to leave and not go back due to them needing belongings/not having access to finances etc.

So I assume the basics are passport, bank statements, pension details of anything in single and/or joint names: we fear all the money they brought to the relationship has been put into the spouse's name, that only the spouse is named on property deeds and that our relative no longer has accounts just in their name so it might be that pensions are being paid into a joint account instead of their own.

What do we need to try and advise them to sort out/make changes to before making a plan?

Thank you for any advice. I might not answer straight away as this is a short break between too many fucking meetings.

.

I would speak to an FA or divorce lawyer to find out what you need to do if substantial money is involved.

Sorry what's FA?

I'm not sure the relative is bothered about making sure they get their fair share in that respect, they are at a point where they would walk away with nothing but we want to try and make sure they don't end up impoverished (at the least). They receive good pensions so I suppose we need to make sure that is paid into an account that only they can access as a first step.

I don't know if they have the mental strength to contest anything so I don't know what we can do to make sure they aren't walking away too quickly if a bit of admin/preparation could make their life more comfortable long term.

It's difficult, they accept they need to leave but feel as though it is entirely them at fault so not sure they would fight for a fair share of finances anyway.

FA= Financial Advisor

FA - financial advisor

I think my first step would be a solicitor.

Establish status of house ownership - this can be done via land registry . But as a spouse, even if house is in other halfs name solely it will still be split with a starting point of 50:50.

Establish whereabouts of other assets and paperwork.

Consider any benefits relative might be entitled to.

Is house big enough to allow separate living ( at least for the time being?)

I'd standby for a lot of fall out from this, much changing of minds, taking sides by friends and family, disbelief etc etc. Especially if a long marriage and enmeshment .

Thanks for the replies.

House is interesting as it was originally the spouse's but our relative has put huge amounts into work done on it. We are in the process of checking online 're the deeds. That gives me hope that they could potentially have a claim to part of it anyway.

Good idea about checking 're benefits, I hadn't considered that.

I suspect that you are right about the fallout. The spouse has seemingly decided on a course of divide and conquer, cosyng up to some people and saying they are just trying to help our relative, but then hitting out at others with awful, critical phone calls and texts blaming our relative and us for everything. As if we wouldn't then compare and say "wtf?" to eachother.

Are they legally married? That’s your first issue
Does your friend want to stay in the house? Can one person afford to buy the other out?
What country do you live in? You’ll get better advice if people know that

There's a way to put a charge on or register an interest in house so it can't be sold until everything is worked out or until a court lifts it. Which would expect to be on financial settlement in a divorce case.

I would encourage relative to get copies or originals of as many documents they can safely access, balances on debts, savings, any other bank accounts, passports, bank account numbers, marriage certificate, birth certificate. Copies of any documents relating to other assets like shares, pensions, any other property. Weekly income streams from pensions.

Collect treasured possessions one or two at a time and get them out of the house if safe to do so.

If there is a chance he may escalate I wouldn't encourage your relative to change account pension is going into before leaving. Better to just leave and tell him later. She could then contact the people managing her pension and change address and account to deposit money in. If she has somewhere to go better to get out with the information and those sentimental things she most values and deal with pensions and telling him after she is safely away.

They are in UK, they are married. I don't think the spouse would move, without adding too much detail it has been in their family for life. So there was no mortgage when our relative came into the relationship but I have no idea if relative paid 'rent'.

Thanks for the comprehensive list of things to find too.

She needs to open a bank account in her own name now. This can take a few weeks as you need ID.

Could she pretend that she wants to clear out the attic / spare room / garage and have a younger relative come into the house to help her do that ? That way she could smuggle out many of her precious possessions / legal paperwork / out of season clothes and other items.

Your relative needs to not worry too much about the savings / pensions / house that are all in his name now. As long as they are legally married they are matrimonial property and she will get a share.

But it will help if she can get details of pensions , savings etc . Any kind of paperwork will do, like an annual statement. Just something with the name of the company and the policy / acount number. She can take photos and email them to you or another trusted friend / online account.

Make sure she doenst keep copies on her phone or other device .

She needs to make all her plans first and not tell him anything. Try tp keep everything normal or have plausible excuses for any changes.

Good excuses -

Taking unwanted items to the charity shop

Taking old clothes to be recycled

Niece is taking some old family photos to make copies

Close friend / relative has bad news about their health so she has to go and visit them.

If they go back it won't really because they need belongings etc it'll be because they're not yet emotionally ready to leave and may never be. It has to be their decision whatever the circumstances. Otherwise they're just swapping one controlling person for another.

Which country you're in - inc which part of the Uk can make a HUGE difference. Eg Scots law is very different to English on such matters

This is in England.
I do worry that they won't leave. They believe that everything is their fault.
I suppose I want to try and have a conversation with them about what to "in case" they do decide It's finally time: eg have a bank account, maybe send some documents to us so we have things here if they need access to them.

You are right, I don't want to tell them what to do, I just want them to know what steps they can take to make sure they feel in control of the situation and their decision.

It’s hard to leave a controlling relationship at any age, let alone 70s. It’s good they have you for support.