Dealing with partner lusting on other women

Deadringer · 21/07/2021 01:13

A quick glance is one thing, staring is rude. I would pull him up on it every time, and if he keeps it up i would dump him. Some men do this on purpose, to make you jealous/keep you on your toes imo.

DeeCeeCherry · 21/07/2021 01:18

Pick your self-esteem up from the floor, is what you do. If you worked on yourself and your boundaries and practiced self-care, you wouldn't be seen dead walking next to a creep like that. If you're staying with him you can beg him to stop. He won't, but what else is there to do really as he doesn't respect you in any event

therocinante · 21/07/2021 01:21

A "Christ she's fit" glance - fine, you don't lose your ability to appreciate someone good looking when you're in a relationship.

Extended staring and a bit of eyefucking is weird I think. Especially if you're there - if DH wants to have a flirty eye-exchange with a woman on the train cos she's good looking and he is and who doesn't enjoy a moment of two people mutually just like "yep, you're gorgeous", I've no issue with that (although I'm sure many would and that's fine too!).

But doing it in front of your partner is deeply weird and disrespectful in my opinion.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2021 01:23

I trust him and don't have any doubts about him cheating. I just don't know what to think or do.

Really? You trust a man who flirts with other women right in front of you? Who stares at women right in front of you? FFS. Stop lying to yourself.

therocinante · 21/07/2021 01:24

Also if he's actively hitting on someone in front of you that's horrible. Is he flirty with everyone?! Because if it's just women he's actively made clear he fancies then no, I'd be mega pissed off. There's a world of difference between a quick glance and chatting up, nobody deserves that.

Onthedunes · 21/07/2021 01:35

Don't trust a man that disrespects you by staring at women when out.

If he's not fully present with you then what's the point, you may as well be walking alone without the pain.

Original poster

Candyfloss45 · 21/07/2021 01:38

@therocinante

Also if he's actively hitting on someone in front of you that's horrible. Is he flirty with everyone?! Because if it's just women he's actively made clear he fancies then no, I'd be mega pissed off. There's a world of difference between a quick glance and chatting up, nobody deserves that.

I don't know if I would call it flirting, he doesn't smile or talk to them.

He definitely looks at other women but it's a lustful look.

That time when they were both hitting on each other, it made me feel like cr*p.
I told him about it and he said that he noticed she was looking at him and found it weird. But that didn't stop him looking back at her.

He is a good boyfriend apart from that , very caring etc.. But at the same time I want to make the right decision.

OP posts:

ElizabethTudor · 21/07/2021 01:41

Any bloke who constantly stares at other women would be shown the door.

ElizabethTudor · 21/07/2021 01:44

I tell you what Op - you try it next time you’re out. ‘Lustfully’ look at the eye-candy whilst you’re out, staring them up and down, in their shorts and (probably no) tops.
See how he likes it.
Or, just dump the disrespectful fucker.

Roomonb · 21/07/2021 05:59

Openly doing it would make me feel he’s a bit creepy tbh, it makes most other women feel uncomfortable and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who gives out those kinda pervy vibes. Sorry to be harsh but honestly in this day and age men are still so good at making women feel uncomfortable with even a look. It’s just not right.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 21/07/2021 06:03

One time he was staring at another woman and she was staring at him too. They were both hitting on each others while I was right next to him

I trust him and don't have any doubts about him cheating. I just don't know what to think or do

These two comments don’t match up.

He’s not a ‘good boyfriend’. If he’s doing that when you are sitting right next to him what do you think he’s up to when you’re not!

nancywhitehead · 21/07/2021 06:10

If he has a high sex drive then he might not even really realise that he is doing it sometimes.

This is a bit controversial but I do think some women have slightly unrealistic expectations that they will be the only person their partner ever even glances at or finds interesting/ attractive in any way.

I find lots of people attractive - out on the street, in movies, on TV etc. My partner knows. He does too. It's natural. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a part of being human. It can be hard to accept that and be honest about it, because it puts you both in a vulnerable position.

The problem comes when there is jealousy and you don't/ can't have a very open and honest discussion about it. It sounds like he is denying it, either because he's not aware he's doing it or because he feels attacked by you or because he doesn't care.

If you genuinely feel he is not going to be tempted then you have nothing to worry about, but maybe part of you is unsure.

Maybe you need to be with someone who has a lower sex drive/ lower desire in order to feel secure - there's nothing wrong with that at all but it's important to admit it to both yourself and him.

If you can't both have a mature and honest discussion about these things then that doesn't bode well for the relationship.

girlmom21 · 21/07/2021 06:14

I agree with the others. Looking is fine. Staring is not.

If I was out with my DP and he was staring I'd ask him what he was staring at though rather than letting him continue to eye fuck a stranger.

I don't think he is that trustworthy or lovely if he's happy to do that and make you feel the way you do.

PartridgeFeather · 21/07/2021 07:03

Never been with anyone who did this, but years ago I knew a girl whose fiancé stared at women/commented all the time, right in front of her and all of us. She was so crushed, it was really horrible to witness.

He was also a sexist pig in many other ways.

pilates · 21/07/2021 07:03

It would make me think what are you like when I’m not there

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2021 07:23

Everyone notices beautiful and attractive people. Noticing and mentioning attractiveness is normal. Why would he not just comment to you, in whatever style you usually talk e.g. 'wow!' or 'she's fit!'?

Only because you're not equal partners or on the same page sexually. He thinks his sexual desire is his alone, different from yours and that you don't have an open dialogue on the subject.

Yes, constant comments would become wearing but then you'd know where you stood.

Given the way he keeps his sexuality to himself and doesn't involve you, feel the need to talk to you, or involve you in the way he expresses it, you have no way of knowing whether he'd cheat. You hope he wouldn't. That's all.

EmRata95 · 21/07/2021 07:29

My OH loves and respects me and would never want to hurt my feelings. I've never noticed him looking at other women. Other women stare at him though which annoys me!

Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 08:52

I absolutely hate this. My DP used to do this. He was a great partner in many ways and exactly what I'd been looking for. I hadn't been short of offers / experiences and I also enjoyed being single and independent so being with him was not out of desperation.

I really did not like the openly eyeing up other women or commenting on their appearance. He never does it anymore. I'm not saying he doesn't notice good-looking people but he doesn't eyeball them ever in a noticeable way.

I dealt with it like this. I said I often see men (usually older) eye me up, sometimes with a woman beside them. This is the case for me and most women. I find it horribly unattractive, assume they have no manners or respect for their partner. Why are they looking at me in a way that lets me know they are looking? Do they think I might express some interest back? what idiots. I like intelligent, well-mannered, respectful, considerate men. Not all men do this. Most do not. I find it extremely unattractive and I don't know if the things I do find attractive about you will continue to outweigh this. I'm just being honest with you.

In short, I explained it in a way that was about him so he didn't have the comeback of 'you're so insecure'. He did argue initially saying he would walk around with his eyes closed and other stupid stuff. I shrugged and said "if I can notice, they can notice. I notice with other men. I feel sorry for their partners and wonder why they settled for men like that. I don't intend to be a hypocrite."

Thankfully he stopped so it's possible.

Shellady · 21/07/2021 10:12

@Bridezillamaybe

I absolutely hate this. My DP used to do this. He was a great partner in many ways and exactly what I'd been looking for. I hadn't been short of offers / experiences and I also enjoyed being single and independent so being with him was not out of desperation.

I really did not like the openly eyeing up other women or commenting on their appearance. He never does it anymore. I'm not saying he doesn't notice good-looking people but he doesn't eyeball them ever in a noticeable way.

I dealt with it like this. I said I often see men (usually older) eye me up, sometimes with a woman beside them. This is the case for me and most women. I find it horribly unattractive, assume they have no manners or respect for their partner. Why are they looking at me in a way that lets me know they are looking? Do they think I might express some interest back? what idiots. I like intelligent, well-mannered, respectful, considerate men. Not all men do this. Most do not. I find it extremely unattractive and I don't know if the things I do find attractive about you will continue to outweigh this. I'm just being honest with you.

In short, I explained it in a way that was about him so he didn't have the comeback of 'you're so insecure'. He did argue initially saying he would walk around with his eyes closed and other stupid stuff. I shrugged and said "if I can notice, they can notice. I notice with other men. I feel sorry for their partners and wonder why they settled for men like that. I don't intend to be a hypocrite."

Thankfully he stopped so it's possible.

Yes exactly . I e always found it incredible that men don’t understand that the woman they are with is likely to have experienced this many times herself and to notice and find it very unattractive ? Surely they can’t all be that stupid to think their wives or partners don’t get the same looks from other men and don’t find it pretty pathetic Not say all women do but certainly a lot do

Justthinkingin · 21/07/2021 10:18

Yes, OP. I think lots of men do this and most of them have learned to have a quick look rather than maintain the look. It is incredibly disrespectful to stare.
A simple 'can you not do that, please, when you're with me' should suffice. He will probably plead ignorance, but he should be able to understand that you are mature enough to recognise that men like to look at women, but that he should be respectful of your feelings such that he can refrain from looking when you are with him.

Branleuse · 21/07/2021 11:31

if my partner was doing this id assume they had one foot out the door and were actively looking.

I go off people quite quick once they start making me feel insecure

SarahDarah · 21/07/2021 12:46

@ElizabethTudor

Any bloke who constantly stares at other women would be shown the door.

This.

@Candyfloss45 you need to pick up your dignity from the floor. This so called "partner" does not respect you (or the other women he ogles as objects either).

You deserve so much more than this - stop letting him treat you like this and leave him. A man who truly loves a woman doesn't behave like this in the slightest and you're only storing up more hurt for yourself in the future. With all those creepy objectifiying stares at other women, it wouldn't surprise me if he had a pornography habit too since it fundamentally changes the way men view women. They see them in a much more degrading way I.e. not as people but bodies that are there to serve the gaze and pleasures of men.

He's gaslighting you with his denials too.

SarahDarah · 21/07/2021 12:53

@nancywhitehead

If he has a high sex drive then he might not even really realise that he is doing it sometimes.

This is a bit controversial but I do think some women have slightly unrealistic expectations that they will be the only person their partner ever even glances at or finds interesting/ attractive in any way.

I find lots of people attractive - out on the street, in movies, on TV etc. My partner knows. He does too. It's natural. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a part of being human. It can be hard to accept that and be honest about it, because it puts you both in a vulnerable position.

The problem comes when there is jealousy and you don't/ can't have a very open and honest discussion about it. It sounds like he is denying it, either because he's not aware he's doing it or because he feels attacked by you or because he doesn't care.

If you genuinely feel he is not going to be tempted then you have nothing to worry about, but maybe part of you is unsure.

Maybe you need to be with someone who has a lower sex drive/ lower desire in order to feel secure - there's nothing wrong with that at all but it's important to admit it to both yourself and him.

If you can't both have a mature and honest discussion about these things then that doesn't bode well for the relationship.

What a silly response. This has nothing to do with the OP's sex drive whatsoever. Anyone with self dignity who's in an exclusive relationship that's based on mutual respect and decency wouldn't want to their partner checking out other people, it's so disrespectful. Both to the partner and to the other women the guy is ogling like a piece of meat.

Of course everyone, man or woman, notices people who are attractive. That instant noticing is completely normal. But that's not what's going on here at all. It's what comes after that initial subconscious noticing that's important. He's consciously choosing to indulging in lustful stares of other women. That's a whole other ballgame.

nancywhitehead · 22/07/2021 07:58

He's consciously choosing to indulging in lustful stares of other women

@SarahDarah What in the OP's posts indicate that he is consciously choosing to stare? He denies that he is doing it which indicates that he is either unaware of it or lying/ doesn't care.

Your guess is as good as mine but there's nothing to actually suggest that he is conscious of this.