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Original poster

Birthday let down.

14 replies

Hairbear2 · 21/07/2021 00:23

I really hope I don’t sound selfish. Been with a guy a year and a half, had a few ups and downs recently resulting in him talking me into getting back together a few months back. He was away playing golf and drinking the weekend before my birthday, took the day off on my birthday (the Monday after) said he will sort lunch somewhere nice. He turned up with my presents which he had bought on the way, a cake,
celebrations and flowers. Nothing personal. No thought had gone in to it as he got them on the morning. Then took me out and hadn’t booked anything. Had an average lunch although he wasn’t hungry. Took me home and went to play golf with his mates, drinks after because he always does that on a Monday!
Do I mention my disappointment? As for the gift, it’s not about the money, although I spent £80 on him. I don’t want to sound greedy, but even a £10 pair of earrings would have been special. What do I say?

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 21/07/2021 00:47

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother saying anything. I would look at the amount of thought and effort he put into your birthday, (and his golf) and then think about how much he puts into his friends, etc. Does he prioritize you? Is there a difference? I’d be peeved about being ditched for golf.

Original poster
Hairbear2 · 21/07/2021 00:54

No I feel his mates/golf are his priorities. Which I’ve brought up. He says ‘I’ve always played sport’ and ‘why can’t I go out with my mates’. That’s a whole other issue. He seems to want to continue everything and have a relationship with me.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 21/07/2021 01:06

Of course he can go out with his friends, but aren't you his friend too? What's the point of being in a relationship with someone if you don't like them as a friend as well?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2021 01:08

The relationship was already going down the toilet. Just end it. If he doesn't bother to make even a little personalised effort now, he never will.

Onthedunes · 21/07/2021 01:41

You are being trained into not expecting anything from this man.

If he cannot even be unselfish on your birthday how on earth is it going to pan out forever more.

Really he won't change, he will only become worse, find a new friend.
He wants to use you, get you firmly installed, washing, cooking, cleaning whilst he plays with his mates.

Enough4me · 21/07/2021 01:51

My partner of over 3yr was telling me and my DC the other day about how surprised he is that so many of his colleagues sign up for a whole day of golf every week. He joins in sometimes when it's short sessions and I encourage him to do so, but he wouldn't choose golf for a day over being with us. My exH would spend whole days on his hobby so I know what not being prioritised feels like.

I wouldn't explain to your partner, ditch him and be free to prioritise yourself and be with others that do too.

Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 08:57

Hmmm, you're not with him many years so he may have a different attitude to birthdays. I don't think he made no effort, he took the day off work and did arrive with little gifts.

Myself and DP had different attitudes to gifts, it took a bit of communicating to see the other's perspective. There is a quiz called the five languages of love, it might help.

How's the relationship in general though? If this is how you feel generally (disappointed) then I would end it.

fuzzyduck1 · 21/07/2021 09:03

Think yourself lucky I got £30 cash from my wife one year for my birthday. Which promptly went on a karate belt for a step kid and mannequin for her shop.
Needless to say she is now my ex.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/07/2021 09:11

I can understand your disappointment in the gifts. I don't care about money spent but I do like thought. Generic flowers/chocolate/cake is ok for a friend or distant relative but not your partner.

newdaynew · 21/07/2021 09:26

@fuzzyduck1

Think yourself lucky I got £30 cash from my wife one year for my birthday. Which promptly went on a karate belt for a step kid and mannequin for her shop. Needless to say she is now my ex.
I can trump your £30 cash. I got £100 cash in a card ... from our joint account.
updownroundandround · 21/07/2021 09:48

@Hairbear2

First he didn't prioritise your birthday over a weekend away golfing and drinking with his mates............Hmm

Second, he didn't spend any time or effort buying you a personal gift....Hmm

Third, he only 'set aside' a couple of hours for an unplanned lunch....Hmm

Fourth, he then fucked off again, to play golf, again, because he always plays on a Monday.........................Hmm

I would venture to say that using a day's annual leave and spending 2-3 hours of it on you, plus a couple of supermarket 'gifts' are all you're 'worth' to him Sad.

If you stay with him until Xmas, I'd expect a 'golfing weekend for 2' as your 'gift' Sad (Which he will go on with a friend, because he knows you wouldn't like it, so after the 'row' about the crap 'gift', he'll say ''Fine, I'll take it back and use it myself !'' Hmm)

You will only ever be 4th because his life is ordered like this (and that's how he wants/likes it !)

1st - Him. His needs. His wants.
2nd - His mates. His social life.
3rd - Golf. His hobbies/sport etc
4th - You....maybe..........depends if anything else crops up......Hmm

SoundBar · 21/07/2021 09:53

You mentioned there have been "ups and downs" and that he talked you into giving him another chance.

In future, don't let an ex talk you into anything. You dumped him for good reason. People do not change.

The classic MN line applies here, in the early days of a relationship things should not be this hard. End it and don't look back

Original poster
Hairbear2 · 21/07/2021 10:35

[quote updownroundandround]@Hairbear2

First he didn't prioritise your birthday over a weekend away golfing and drinking with his mates............Hmm

Second, he didn't spend any time or effort buying you a personal gift....Hmm

Third, he only 'set aside' a couple of hours for an unplanned lunch....Hmm

Fourth, he then fucked off again, to play golf, again, because he always plays on a Monday.........................Hmm

I would venture to say that using a day's annual leave and spending 2-3 hours of it on you, plus a couple of supermarket 'gifts' are all you're 'worth' to him Sad.

If you stay with him until Xmas, I'd expect a 'golfing weekend for 2' as your 'gift' Sad (Which he will go on with a friend, because he knows you wouldn't like it, so after the 'row' about the crap 'gift', he'll say ''Fine, I'll take it back and use it myself !'' Hmm)

You will only ever be 4th because his life is ordered like this (and that's how he wants/likes it !)

1st - Him. His needs. His wants.
2nd - His mates. His social life.
3rd - Golf. His hobbies/sport etc
4th - You....maybe..........depends if anything else crops up......Hmm[/quote]
You have hit the nail on the head! I ended it before because of all the things that came before me, even in lockdown it was other things, his mum, overtime, house renovations. Now sport and mates. He doesn’t want to meet my friends and family and says what do I want to meet them for? If I suggest meeting his.
He bought me a lovely gift for Christmas, a bracelet and other things, but will never see me on Christmas Day, he goes to his mums, it’s one day he can’t see the problem! He will always do the golf weekend around my birthday because his dad books it for then, he won’t ask him to change it.
He promised to be the boyfriend I wanted, I was crazy to believe him. I know it’s over, I probably just needed to hear it from others that don’t know me or him.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 23/07/2021 00:09

You deserve o be prioritized not be bottom of the list. Think how empowering g it will be to end it!!!

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