How to uncover cheating?

[Carrits]

I have a 'distance' relationship of about an hour away, with boyfriend of three years. He's made it clear he doesn't want to live together, we both have dc and jobs/lives in our home towns. All seemingly fine, we see each other each week.

However, recently I've had suspicions that he may be cheating. I'm not someone who demands to see his phone etc. He has had the following 'odd' behaviour though.

Three Mondays in a row he hasn't phoned or messaged me. This is despite me messaging him as usual on that day (just a normal 'friendly' message, nothing heavy to ignore...). In the past/present we usually chat on the phone most days and message, but again, if I've called him on a Monday he doesnt answer.

He's on WhatsApp late at night sometimes, not messaging me...of course, could be innocent, but seems odd to chat like that as a regular occurrence to friends/mum of his kids. One evening he sent me a message meant for another female 'friend' who I'd never heard of. He said it was a former work colleague/friend when I asked. This was 1030pm, so later than people usually chat as 'friends'. I asked him outright if it was a girlfriend, he said no, if we don't have trust what do we have etc, also that he's been cheated on in the past etc he wouldn't do that to me.

He also has some stress issues, but his behaviour seems odd and disappearing for a day at a time, then chatting lots as usual seems bizarre.

I dont feel it's right to ask again with no solid 'evidence' but equally I feel quite confused and anxious wondering whether he's cheating. Any ideas finding out what's going on?

A whole day without a message or call from someone you've been seeing for 3 years sounds extremely "distant" to me - not geographically but emotionally.

Are you hoping the relationship is going somewhere, because it sounds like he's got the reversing lights on.

What did the message to the mystery "friend" say?

What did the message to the mystery "friend" say?
This.

It sounds like like something is going on.

I've been in a similar situation and there was an OW.

@BraxtonChic I agree, 24 hours is a long time to 'disappear' when there's nothing obvious wrong happened and I've only sent a 'usual' friendly type message. It just jars in a strange way?

@KirstenBlest the message was very neutral, just along longs of "that's interesting 'insert girls name'"

How did you find out he was cheating? I just feel frustrated, as I'm not naturally suspicious, but on one occasion I asked if he still wants the relationship with me 'yes I love you' according to him. On another I asked if he was cheating and he said no, he would never etc. Yet the strange behaviour continues...I'd rather just know!

I'd say you have some red flags.

I'd turned a blind eye I suppose.
You know how it goes, we never argued, he was future faking to he end, but there were things like if ever I rang him, if he answered it would be 'can I call u back in a few minutes'.

The scales fell off my eyes wen he called me by the wrong name.

He'd had mentionitis but I thought it was 'just a phase', he's even told me about his dates with her and things she'd said about me, but he'd not said 'OW said ...' it would be 'someone said'. I can't prove some of it, but looking back I was dealing with a sick person.

Changes in behaviour. I'd noticed some lack of lovingness (don't know if that's a real word but I'm tired)

I still miss him years on when I really shouldn't, but it's not him I miss, it's who I thought he was.

He was vile. I could say more, much more but this is your thread not mine .

I don't know if he is with OW now, but god help her if he is. I went NC, and don't look him up on SM or anything.

Oh, one thing I should have picked up on was how he spoke about his friends, he didn't paint a good picture. In hindsight, was he saying some of it about himself but saying that it was his friend.

He was on the moral high ground about infidelity. Pah!

Your DP isn't my XDP.

Sorry, what I meant is I had a wonderful DP for years, then one day there was this ugly, abusive man.

It's the frog in boiling water, he hadn't been replaced overnight after being abducted by aliens.

I still miss WDP (Wonderful DP) but because of the water heating up, i donn't know how much of it was real. Headfuck stuff.

Is there a change in his behaviour? Yes
Wrong name? Yes

Has there been a change in the physical side of your relationship?

Trust your gut.

How does one accidentally send the wrong message on whatsapp?? That was a trick we used to pull as kids on social media (msn etc) to make our crushes think or fear we were talking to other boys. Sounds like he s still using it on you

I wouldn't read into the WhatsApp message, that message is very innocent. Doesn't mean he isn't cheating but just ignore that.

I don't know what you can do other than go there on a Monday and follow him but just realize if you do that it might be the end of your relationship.

I mean you could just light heartedly say "you know what, I've just been looking through our WhatsApp thread cos I'm feeling horny 😘 and I realised you never talk to me on a Monday! What's up with that!?"

It would tip your hand though and give him a chance to make up an excuse... So I'd do it in person.

How often do you meet up - you said once a week, is that just for the evening or do you stay over with him?

Just re-read your OP and realised this has only happened over the last 3 weeks.

I'm a cynical old bag and I strongly believe humans aren't meant to be monogamous. But 3 weeks of "only" messaging you 6 days out of 7 and sending a totally innocent message meant for someone else really doesn't strike me as cheater behaviour.

Have you been cheated on in the past?

I would stop writing him and see if he puts in the effort. If he doesn't notice you stopped texting then why should you continue?

I only found solid evidence when I actually logged into his account for a social site he was using and saw messages.

I suspected long before that for similar reasons as you - being on WhatsApp late at night for long periods but not messaging me - also being out of touch for long periods with no explanation. A feeling that when I messaged I was "bothering" him in some way.

If he seems closed off or like he wants to keep in you in a box outside of his real life then that's a massive warning sign. Why do you think he doesn't want to move in with you, for example?

The thing is, you don't need solid evidence. When I was in your position I felt like I had to get evidence to confront him with, and eventually I did, but I put myself through a lot of heartache first.

Looking back, I realise that everything lined up long before I got evidence, and the whole situation was making me very uncomfortable. That should have been enough for me to leave.

If he's making you uncomfortable, and he knows it/ you've told him, he should be making efforts to make you feel more secure. Perhaps by being in more contact on a Monday, or telling you what he is doing late at night. Basically he should care.

If he is dismissive of your concerns, or gets defensive about these things, it's never going to be a good sign, and honestly at that point I'd be tempted to leave.

You don't need evidence. Just trust your gut and look at how he is making you feel by segregating his life and keeping you in one compartment.

What @strawberrydonuts said.

That niggling feeling of being left out.

Thanks. Yes I agree there is an intuition around this - I don't mind at all if he's busy etc, I've asked him just to mention that though and then I know he'll be quiet, it's just manners really not to ignore your gf friendly messages for over 24 hours on one day a week, when most of the time he's in contact.

@Sampafie that's interesting, it did occur to me that it's possible he's intentionally fuelling my concerns. If he is cheating, there would surely be opportunities in the 24 hours he 'diasappears' to send me a quick explanation of being busy. He knows I don't chase or pry. It does seem odd that he flips from the ignoring behaviour to keen/loving/friendly on other days of the week. Very odd.

I uncovered cheating by reading work emails between him and OW.

But, the signs were there. Always on his phone, suddenly being a 'support' to someone I had never heard of as he was going through a rough time, which required him to go off on his phone at inconvenient times (like when out as a family), being grumpy at home.

Finding the messages was almost a relief by that point.

Rather than worrying about cheating for now, his actions to you is telling you his interest is off, he's clearly got the time to be messaging other people but not you, he doesn't see a future settling down with you. This is a casual relationship or it's run it's course.
What do you want from this, are you happy to continue? If this isn't what you want don't keep yourself tied to him.

I would also say that this 'relationship' is over.

It was never going to progress anyway. He's already told you that.

I'm not even sure what you both get from this relationship, except regular(ish) sex and a daily 'conversation' by text/WhatsApp

Whenever someone says ''I get a feeling'' or ''something's changed'' in regards to a relationship, trust your gut !

You don't need 'proof'.
He's only going to continue to lie, regardless of the 'proof' you uncover anyway.
It's what these men do.
It doesn't vary.

You will only cause yourself more hurt and more distress if you continue.

Please, trust your gut, and save yourself further distress.

What percentage of your interactions (phone calls / messages) do you start?
What percetage of arrangements to meet up do you lead on?
What propostion of conversations about the future (planning a holiday / Christmas etc) do you start?
What proportion of the effort do you make (eg travelling to see each other / making plans and bookings)

If - aside from these 3 Mondays - this is all roughly 50/50 then there's probably nothing to worry about. If he wants to see you, wants to chat, wants to plan the future etc.

However if it's always you starting communication / doing all the running, then he may be backing away. If you aren't sure, try not to make the calls / send the messages / suggest meeeting up, and see how long before he does it.

I’d recommend always trusting your intuition or gut instinct. 9/10 times it will be right.

God, honestly this could be about my ex. If he’s from the Cardiff area it probably is!

I had been ignoring my gut and little signs (always on WhatsApp, switched his phone to airplane mode before showing me anything on it, having a chocolate bar in his case from a hotel in the city I lived in having never mentioned to me that he’d been there). I waited for proof for 3 years, eventually clocked on that he’d switched his ‘find my friends’ to his iPad which he left at home while he was out and about with other women. He obviously forgot to switch it back one day and while he was sat next to me in Cheltenham it was showing him in Cardiff.

I just said to him ‘I think we both know you’ve been lying to me’ without going into specifics and it all came tumbling out. It was obviously my fault because my life was so ‘perfect’ it out too much pressure on him.

@layladomino it varies, but generally I do more of the travel, making arrangements etc. I do think he wants me in his life, I'm 'useful' to him for various advice, both work and personal...

I suppose the frustration is that I've asked if he wants to end things, but he has insisted no, that he loves me.

I do agree with pp, that if I'm at the point of feeling like this then clearly the relationship isn't working.

Of course he is going to say that he doesn't want to end things. If he is currently managing to have you and also someone else and getting away with it, why would he want to end things?

You need to decide whether you want to end things. You're the one being kept in a box here and kept in the dark about things that he should be perfectly comfortable to share with you.

Think about the dynamics here. It is imbalanced. Who has the power and control in this relationship?