Difficulty with parents

[confuseddotcomma]

I'm having a really tough time with my parents.

For some context, I thought our relationship was normal as a child, but once I had my own children my perspective on it all changed. I don't think they were particularly bad parents but I think they just resented being parents and wanted time for themselves. So my mum didn't work but we were looked after always by nannies and au pairs, and they always went on holiday together without us, or we went with grandparents who would look after us. When we left home they basically withdrew from us, I had very little contact with them during university and afterwards, very superficial conversations and essentially they were uninterested in me and my life.

My mum was always quite emotionally manipulative as well. I remember as a child if we did something she didn't like she would go to her room and cry loudly until we came to apologise. She would give us the silent treatment quite often.

Their behaviour towards me totally changed when I had my own children. Suddenly they were desperate to spend time with us and messaging me all the time. It feels a bit like maybe they realise how much they missed out on when we were children and they want to try again. But at the same time they have done nothing to try to build a relationship with me - no real interest in my life, and no effort to do anything that I have said would be helpful.

A few times a year now my dad will phone me up and tell me how my behaviour is making my mum cry and I need to be more available to them, spend more time with them, and let them take my children out by themselves.

I realise they are my parents and they did the best they could when I was young and maybe they just didn't want to be parents and found it overwhelming. But I really resent the way they are trying to be so involved in my life without actually making any effort with me. It makes me feel really sad. I have actually said this to them and given examples of how they could make an effort with me - e.g. asking about my life, and they acknowledge it but then nothing ever changes.

Do I just need to suck it up and be kinder? Accept that they struggled with us but maybe have more to give to my children? Or is it ok for me to feel sad and resentful?

they did the best they could when I was young

Um, I really don't think they did.

It sounds as if they did as little as possible, ignored you, palmed you off on hired help, emotionally manipulated you (your DM sounds like a real piece of work) and are still doing to same via emotionally guilting you into allowing them to spend more time with your own children.

It is totally up to you. But I think you would be entirely within your rights to tell them exactly what you've written in your post. Tell them that they can see your children on YOUR terms. And they can suck it up or fuck off.

And yes, it's OK to feel sad and resentful. It's also OK to be very pissed off!

Just say that you did not really take much interest in me as a child or young adult - back this up with instances as outlined in your OP - and you cannot suddenly change the dynamic because they have had a change of heart.

"Do I just need to suck it up and be kinder?"

No

"Accept that they struggled with us but maybe have more to give to my children?"

No. You were but a child at the time; how did they struggle with you?. They seemed to have just packed you off to be raised by other people like your grandparents, au pairs and boarding schools. They were and remain completely self absorbed. They have not changed since your own childhood and your dad remains very much her willing enabler as well as secondary abuser.

"Or is it ok for me to feel sad and resentful?"

It's more than ok to feel sad and resentful about your childhood; they were the ones who did this to you after all. Your childhood experiences amounted to both emotional abuse (silent treatment) and emotional neglect at the hands of two people who likely did what was done to them as children too. They had a choice when it came to you but they repeated the same old crap that was dealt out of them as children. They never sought nor wanted to seek the necessary help.

You may want to look at and indeed post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. There are also book resources at the start of that thread which may be useful to you.

A good rule of thumb too is that if a parent is abusive, otherwise toxic or too damn difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your children as well. If the other set of grandparents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then concentrate your efforts on them. Your parents should not be given any further opportunity to mess up the next generation i.e your children because they will attempt to given time and opportunity. They could certainly try and steal their hearts and minds through gifts amongst other things.

And no your parents did not try their best with you, not even close. They are and remain lacking as people and that is not your fault either.

Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no you would not. They are no different.

I could have written this post myself. I have a very selfish mother who sulks when she doesn't get her own way and who wanted very little to do with me until grandchildren came along. Your mother knows she is being unreasonable, That's why she gets your Dad to call you and doesn't speak to you directly (my Mum does the same). I'm still struggling with it to be honest, but trying to let things go so my DC can have some kind of relationship with them. I'm trying to set clear boundaries (such as they can't announce they're going to visit on a certain day and then get upset if we have other plans - they need to ask and arrange a suitable time). As the other poster said, it's OK to feel annoyed and resentful.

Nobody who was horrible to me would get access to my children when they were little. Not out of pettiness or revenge, but because I wouldn't trust them, they'd have to work hard to build a relationship with me first, and then maybe…

Now DC are older they can make those decisions for themselves and I wouldn't try to influence them or persuade them either way. But when they were small and impressionable? No chance.

Your mum is still manipulating you to do her bidding by crying; time to step back.

Your mother is manipulative and your father is her flying monkey.

They’ve washed their hands off their children and now want to do “parenting” again with your kids. No chance.
You and your kids come as a package,they can’t demand access to your children and bypass you.

This is classic example of “you reap what you sow”.

You have kids and love them unconditionally, spend time with them and not palm them off to relatives.

I have 2 kids,one with ASD. I’m overwhelmed sometimes but don’t have a chance to palm them off to anybody so I suck it up. It’s hard work but I love them to bits and would do anything for them.That’s what parents do.

You don’t have to be nice or bend to your parents very unreasonable demands. Resist the manipulation and ignore any attempts.

Relationship goes both ways and givers need to have very strong boundaries as takers have none.

I am another poster who could have written this...

You have summed up better than I ever could how your parents behaved towards you as a child and how it made you feel. I experienced the same childhood. @AttilaTheMeerkat also has provided an excellent and accurate response - like yours, my parents didn't try their best with myself and my two brothers - they didn't even attempt it. Too self absorbed and narcissistic. My mother would try and palm us off on her brothers and mother at every opportunity...and then bitch about them in front of us. She wanted their help (including financial) and used her 3 children as bait.

Neither myself or my two brothers have had children of our own. Like @FrenchBoule says "You reap what you sow".