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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fallen out of love with DH

6 replies

ILoveTheOcean · 20/07/2021 11:32

Hi ladies - I'm in a bit of a pickle and wondering if anyone else has experienced this - falling out of love with DH? Our relationship has felt quite strained for a long time. I won't bore you with the details but he's had some really narcissistic traits and tendencies over the years which has chipped away at me over the years. But after having our son who is now 3yo something in me changed, I somehow felt stronger, my son comes first and DH opinions and demands just mattered less and less and I came to see it for what it was. It was emotionally abusive and narcissistic. Lockdown didn't help the matter either because his incessant complaining and negativity considering circumstances just pushed me further away. I still have a very demanding job, my own mental health and a toddler to see to and uphold, there is no time for me to mope around about petty things, and I also don't want to. I expected him to hold his own too, like a grown up. I don't feel he did. He tried to make his negative feelings my responsibility and I just pushed back. I'm not responsible for making him feel worthy of something, I'm also not the person I was 10 years ago who would believe that I am responsible for his happiness. Anyway, I feel like I have outgrown him, but I don't know how to tell him. I feel like I've grieved the relationship already, I'm not even mad at him or angry with life or anything. I just feel like we've outgrown each other. I think he feels this from me because he has been very loving and I can see he wants the affection etc, I don't think I feel the same. If anyone has been through this sort of thing? Is a bit like the 7year itch? Is it temporary?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/07/2021 11:38

If he’s emotionally abusive then you should end the relationship and marriage

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/07/2021 12:19

This does not sound like a 7 year itch to me. It sounds as though you have realised he is emotionally abusive and manipulative, and that you are strong enough to leave him and enjoy a happy life with your son.

I think he feels this from me because he has been very loving

Yep. He can sense this too, so he has his 'nice guy'mask back on.

Don't fall for it.

Please make plans to leave as soon and as safely as possible. And don't tell him until you have somewhere else to go. Something tells me the wheels will come off when he realises he's lost you.

ILoveTheOcean · 20/07/2021 13:58

Thank you for your messages, I really appreciate your time. I have been thinking about how to move on for quite some time now. I need to figure out the feasibility of supporting myself and my son on a 28k salary. If it was just me, I'd be gone by now.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/07/2021 14:06

Do you have any family who could help you get started?

Also don't forget you may be eligible for financial assistance.

Really glad you are thinking about it though. It will be the best thing you can do for your son, even if things are tight financially. Otherwise he will grow up thinking that this is a 'normal' way to treat someone. And honestly, it's not. Can yo speak to someone in real life about this?

ILoveTheOcean · 20/07/2021 14:17

I don't have family in this country, no. But speaking to someone who could advice on any financial/other aid would be really useful. Thank you.

Also, re your previous message, maybe he has his 'nice guy' face on, not sure. DH has changed a lot over the years, for the better mostly, but I feel it's a bit too late now to fall back in love. He has also always provided well financially, and he will never be physically violent towards us, it's just mentally/emotionally I've never felt secure with him at all. We've been together for 12 years, it's a long time. It was only during lockdown that he said to me, 'how have I never known your favourite colour is blue'. I know it's a simple example but if you don't know someones favourite colour after 12 years then you're not really paying attention, are you?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/07/2021 14:55

No and that's a pretty good example.

Do you have local friends you could chat to? Just for moral support if nothing else.

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