I know the title sounds incredibly childish - "I don't want to talk to/see you but I won't tell you why" - but bear with me! I've been put into an impossible situation and I wondered if anyone else has been in the same boat...
Basically, my DH was pretty LC contact with both his parents. No major drama so to speak, just had a tough childhood and they're not particularly close. We found out some horrible things about MIL a few years ago from BIL, about the way he was treated as a child and the abuse he suffered (including one particularly abhorrent incident that was inflicted on poor FIL that I can't describe as it's too outing). My DH had no idea, he was always his DM's favourite and was so sad and shocked to hear these things. We were ready to support BIL in cutting off MIL but he then sort of swept things under the carpet and said he couldn't do that to his kids - oddly he still believed that the kids deserved to have a relationship with their GM. Couldn't get my head round this but we respected his decision not to call MIL out on her past behaviour (including the pretty horrific instance of abuse toward FIL aforementioned). At first, I had misplaced anger toward BIL - he opened up Pandora's box then shut it again, and left me and DH confused about what to do with this information. But I realise he's a victim so I got over that feeling.
To this day, MIL is blissfully unaware and I think even if we were to call her out, she'd deny it or say she doesn't remember (some of the abuse occurred when she was pissed, not an excuse, but thought it relevant to mention). We spoke to FIL later about it and he confirmed that things had been really shitty when they were married but did not want to drag up old issues and also asked for us not to pull up MIL about said incident as he thought it would only cause more hurt.
Fast forward to today and MIL is in more contact now that ever because I've just given birth so she has a new DGS. She visits weekly and loves to see my DS. The problem is, I cannot stand her being in my home or around my baby - she's never did anything to me personally, or given me cause for concern that she would harm the baby, but it's like a switch has flipped. All I can think of are the horrible things that BIL confided in us all those years ago. I've tried to keep busy and go off and do other things round the house when she's here but a couple of weeks ago I could barely contain my disgust and my DH and MIL noticed it (although DH played it down to MIL and said I'd just had a bad day).
I know some people will say I have a DH problem and not a MIL problem but we're in an impossible situation - both BIL and FIL haven't confronted her and have asked we don't open the closet full of skeletons. My DH is incredibly understanding (he'll never let her be alone with our DS) but still wants to see his mother and, like his brother, believes we can't keep the kids away from her without a reason.
So how the hell do we handle this?! We've came up with some ideas like my DH meeting MIL alone in the park for a walk or making a point of dropping into BILs when we know MIL is there so she gets her weekly fill of DS but there's other people around to take the pressure off - I find it easier to handle her when other people are around. I really struggle to not show my contempt now and would rather not have to see her at all but know this is unlikely - could probably put up with having to see her monthly and make small talk for an hour. I accept that I'd need to see her at big family occasions like Xmas etc.
Any other ideas? Not looking for solutions to the bigger problem (which frankly, I don't think exists unless BIL or FIL confront her) more just practical tips on managing her contact with us... I guess it's not really about reducing contact (since she seems happy with short weekly visits and never asks to take the DGC overnight or anything like that) so it's easier in a way. Thank you, sorry for the novel, was trying not to drop feed.