The Fallback Girl support thread

[MarylinMonrue]

Having just waded out of the self-esteem swamp that was yet another anxiety-ridden waste of time with an emotionally unavailable man, and hearing how there's a few of us who keep doing this to ourselves, I just felt like starting a little digital rage room for those of us trapped in the hateful cycle of trying to get disinterested men to love us! Yay!

A PP on my other thread @silveroe was so right in saying it keeps coming back to unwinnable wars in our pasts - I don't mind laying out my dirty emotional laundry so I can share that I am definitely looking to fill the void left by my dad who abandoned me as a child by getting clingy and desperate with older guys who are dysfunctional and ambivalent. 100%. Thank god for therapy , even if it hasn't had that many concrete results in my love life yet! Onwards!

I'll join in. I'm bisexual so I can't necessarily say that it's a male/ father thing as I've done my fair share of falling for unavailable women too. Have just come out of a classic situation where he was never going to commit to me but I stuck it out for over 3 years feeding off the scraps and even though I know that it's the right thing to do to be no contact now, I'm scrolling on Mumsnet at 2 am to avoid texting him to say I miss him.

Fearful I'm a lost cause.

I have...a horrible experience

My father didn't abandon us physically but he was a waste of space. I never wanted to get him to love me or change. I wanted aliens to take him away and bring me a proper dad.

I’ve just started to read this book. I was married to an emotionally unavailable man for over ten years & it’s only now starting to make sense, after reading the book

How do people balance emotional unavailability and love bombing though? I think I confused love bombing with emotional availability as he was so affectionate and committed, which bit me in the bum... its such a hard balance!

Ooh can I join? Just called time on a five year relationship.

I’m proud of myself in the sense that the connection was off the charts (absolute classic!!). But it’s five years. I also feel disappointed with myself for doing this again. Couldn’t resist in the beginning even though I knew he was trouble. I’ve had therapy. Been divorced. And done it again. The struggle against myself is the hardest one!

If anyone feels like joining me in a club for the Lost Causes please get in touch!

Am also happy to share that the guy I’ve just left is SO like my dad.

My dad came round this week. I’ve a shoulder injury. My dad is now offering to help me with the gardening due to being back on my own.

I’m like: bugger off this is all your bloody fault! Haha!!

Alcohol not allowed due to temptation to text…..

Every time I have a glass of wine I want to contact him. I haven't been in touch since I told him that I'd tested positive for glandular fever and assumed I'd got it from him in early June. No communication either way since. Trying to stay strong.

Great idea for a thread. Can I join? Sending love to everyone else.

I think we need to value ourselves more. Early experiences, eg unavailable Dad (my own had diagnosed personality disorder, alcoholism, DV, many women, not around a lot etc), have left some of us feeling on some level that we’re not worth much more. Then there’s the tantalising effect of how exciting and gratifying it can feel when the partially available man is present or interested for a bit. The allure of that stokes the eternal desire to have him, not let him go…

I’m so sick of it!! I married a man I thought was the opposite, but turns out that though he was ‘available’ in terms of commitment, he was emotionally abusive. I’ve quite recently split from him. Since then I’ve had a relationship with a man who grew up in social care after his mother tried to kill him, who not surprisingly has major attachment trauma, and who, though obsessed with me, was also extremely ambivalent about having a relationship with me and kept pulling me to him then pushing me away. So painful and I let it go on for far too long, thinking he was the love of my life. Then in the last weeks I allowed myself to get interested in an old friend who, 17 years ago, couldn’t decide if he wanted a relationship with me or not. Since he heard I split up with STBXH he’s been inviting me to some lovely things, and I got my hopes up then realised I’m back in the ambiguous friendship of 17 years ago.

When will someone lovely come along who I fall for, who is actually fully keen and available??

Let’s support each other in making/letting this happen and getting past the complex time-waster men…

@JulesRimetStillGleaming well done for staying strong!

Thanks. I instead went on OLD and 'met' a man who repeatedly told me he had a huge penis, think 'Pringles can'. Not thinking this man is a step up.

I'm really struggling today...he's met someone else i think.

In typical fallback girl style I waited for him for over a year to get his shit together and listened to his future faking.

When he gets sorted he's got a new lady!

I feel a bloomin mug for falling for this and being kept hanging on by his words.

I'm here feeling hard to move on whilst he's fine. He's caused me sooo much hurt and I'm soooo stupid

I probably should join this thread. Recently out of a relationship with a complete time waster still crying over his ex wife - and who no doubt is once again love bombing the next person to fall for his schtick… though I do wonder whether he’ll think to reset the clock with his classic line “I haven’t felt this way about someone for 20 years!” used on me 6 months ago. I’m joking of course.. Do these people ever stop and think “damn, can’t say that now as I used that one recently…”? Never.

The key for me is - why do I ignore the early red flags? WHY? I do feel as though I’m making progress but fuck me is it slow

I need to remember that no relationship is better than the emotional entanglement of a wrong relationship, and that even in the giddy days if I don’t say NOPE - NOT GOOD ENOUGH early on, I’m signing up to guaranteed misery eventually.

I'm the ultimate fallback girl...always left for exes. Forever trying to prove my worth in relationships. In fact I'm in one now with someone who has only ever said he loves me when he's pissed and most of the time seems ambivalent.
Trying to get stronger 🙏

I'm reading this book at 2 o'clock in the morning!

I'm the stupidest fallback girl. I end relationships but they come back and I give them another chance. I wouldn't say my boundaries are off but my trust is. I know what I want and have no problem expressing that and congratulate myself for breaking up with anyone who falls short. It's not like I cling on in the hope they'll change. BUT something makes me let them convince me they've changed. Is it a power thing for them?

This is an interesting thread.. I've had difficulties in my relationships all my adult life, probably due to dysfunctional family dynamics and all and I do see the connection with falling for emotionally unavailable men. But do you know what? I know people from healthy familial backgrounds who have the same sort of experiences we do, so it's not ALL on our faulty thinking. We shouldn't be berating ourselves or thinking we are broken quite as much as we do. At the end of the day there are LOADS of emotionally unavailable men out there. They tend to flit from relationship to relationship and use women as 'sticking plasters' for their emotional sadness, so if you look at it this way, the probability ANY WOMAN could end up with an EU man is pretty high without factoring in anything else! Yes I think it's important to learn about our vulnerabilities and recognise red flags with EU or bad partners but it's also important to acknowledge thats it's not all OUR FAULT for getting involved with one of them. Sorry for the shouty capitals, I should probably work out how to do italics instead. But these are my thoughts and (maybe wisdom) for the day.