please tell me positive stories about meeting someone in your 40s

[MadgeMidgerson]

i’m 46 and have separated from my husband after an 18 year marriage, the last ten of which were arid, sexless and generally heart destroying.

i’m not looking to meet anyone seriously just yet, i know i need time to be alone and heal, but i wonder is is something that could happen? like really could, not could in the sense of sure, one day you could be outside and a giant turtle falls on your head and kills you.

if you were ever in the same boat as i am now in, please tell me some reassuring stories.

i appreciate that i may well end up alone, and i have to build a liveable, worthwhile life for myself quite independently of having a partner or not. i have been lonely for so long, first in the marriage and now out of it at last, and i just want to hear something positive, if anyone can tell me that.

I met someone last year after at 48 after about ten years of being single. I'd done the internet dating thing in my 30s and hated it, and just concentrated on me - nice hols, decent career, interesting pastimes, did a couple of courses and GSCEs just for the hell of it. I completely wrote off ever meeting anyone ever again.

Guardian Soulmates were closing down and emailed all their old accounts to say that it was free for the next couple of months, and in a moment of madness reactivated my account. Got the usual pensioners chat up lines, but also got a message from a guy about 20 miles away who was into some of the same stuff I was. Nearly didn't respond as he has kids (I don't), but something he wrote made me reply. That was June 2020 and he's still around. It's nice and easy, we see each other once or twice a week, not met the kids yet but in no rush to. I still can't quite believe it.

It's a massive cliche that you have to "love yourself first", and that "someone will come along when you least expect it". I used to roll my eyes until they almost fell out of their sockets when people spouted this at me. I think for me, I was so happy and content with being single, and finally come to terms with not having kids, (which can skew your judgement sometimes) that I didn't put much hope into this attempt at OLD, and so didn't get my hopes up, didn't get too down if people didn't respond etc, because I already had a nice life and wasn't losing anything. You are absolutely right - work on yourself, build a worthwhile life just for you, and make sure that anyone you might meet in the future isn't an essential, just a really good bolt-on. I already had a nice life before I met him, and he's enhanced it, but if it all goes tits up, then I'll dust myself off, wipe away the tears, and get back to my nice life.

thank you; that is cheering. the marriage wrecked my sense of worth and it is incredible to me that i would ever meet anyone who fancies me again.

funny, it seemed effortless in my 20s, you were always meeting people. i don’t know how to do it anymore, and now that i am older, cannot imagine being seen in that way even if i did

Me too op.

Oh @MadgeMidgerson I remember talking to you ages ago, I can't remember if you were trying to find your way out or already had??? But it's great that you're moving on, and remember, better to be free and single than miserable and stuck. Go, woman!!!

I actually found it much easier to date in my 40s with online dating. Was similarly out of a long marriage and not feeling great about myself.
I wasn't looking for anything serious but found someone I really clicked with 6 weeks into OLD. It is a bit of a numbers game and there are some weirdos on there but just maintain your standards and keep looking. It sounds odd but it was sort of like looking for a job. I set up one date per week as long as the chat was reasonable and took it from there.
Definitely don't despair at 46!!

Just to add, I had the same feelings of a lack of self worth due to a previous relationship where I put in a lot more than I got back, and was very bruised for several years. I started with my finances - got them back on an even keel, started eating better, went on courses, and went on a couple of short holidays with Exodus, which are really good for solo travellers. That gave me the confidence to do a couple of city breaks on my own, first in the UK, and then abroad. I also started riding a bike and made friends through the Breeze cycling network and through walking. I just started to like myself, and time by myself a lot more.

Don't get me wrong - dating is different when you're older, but in a good way. My biological clock has stopped ticking, so there isn't that pressure, and I'm 3stone heavier than my fighting weight. We aren't in a rush to move in together, if we ever will be. Things aren't so heady and exciting as they were in my twenties. It's better - it's on my own terms, it's happy, it's easy, and he's like a pair of comfortable shoes. Plus if we did split up, I've got a good foundation to go back to. Start small and see how you get on, and good luck xx

I could have written your original post. 2 years after my marriage broke up I went on an online site. I met the man who became my second husband there. We have been together for 15 years and married for 8 years. He is a kind and considerate man and I am happy.

It can happen. All the best. x

I'm 45. I'd been with my husband since I was 17, and we split in 2017 due to his alcoholism. We hadn't had sex for 13 years. I didn't look for anyone, had a brief look at tinder, but couldn't figure out how you're supposed to choose someone just by a picture!

Last February a man I knew (we volunteer at the same place and I'd fancied him for months) asked me out. Shocking! We've been together since, and he's pretty damn wonderful.

I'm not looking for someone to live with etc (still have kids at home, they're teens, but I don't want to be disrupting their life) but it's so nice to see someone regularly, have dates, weekends together, sex!

thank you all so much for sharing your stories. it is so hard, and i have been lonely for so long that i’m not quite desperate but i ache.

I could have written your post 6 years ago, age 46 I separated from my husband after an 11 year marriage. My decision, I finally had the courage following years of his womanising , gaslight and mental abuse. I could put up with anything however I have two teens who I did not want to see their parents marriage as the example to follow.
A man came into my life 6 months after my split. We became friends first as I was not looking for a relationship however it turns out he had always held a torch for me, I only knew him to say hello to in passing.
He is honest, kind , trustworthy, loving and to me everything I lacked in my marriage. I have trust and respect and kindness. I truly would struggle to say find one negative thing about him. He has fitted in with my family , and myself to his.
My old life now seems unimaginable now. I look back at times and it is so hard to imagine how unhappy a difficult a life I lived.

There are good ones out there, I am living the best life I have ever had. Fulfilled and happy at 52. Still young at heart and with much to do and experience. My partner is 46 and has the same outlook.

You only have one life and whether you are alone or with a partner, do not stay in an unhappy marriage.
You deserve a happy life , best wishes to you x

Similar story to you op. Single in my late 40s after 20+ years of increasingly toxic marriage. Two years of happy singledom followed where I learned to be me again. Out of the blue got together with an old friend. Wasn’t looking, it just happened - and its great. Good luck op, just live your life and see what happens…