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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do I feel so guilty about asking for a divorce?

15 replies

SorryAboutTheTypos · 20/07/2021 03:12

I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that I’m going to submit the paperwork for our divorce and when I did he looked so upset that now every time I think about filling in the form I’m filled with guilt and I can’t bring myself to do it. It feels like by sending it I’m saying that I don’t care when I do. I don’t want him to think I don’t care.

This is a man who cheated on me for over a year and is now living with the woman he had an affair with, so I have no reason to feel guilty, but I can’t help it.

How can I get past this feeling of guilt so I can get this paperwork submitted and move on with my life?

OP posts:

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 20/07/2021 03:17

You ask him to put you first and sign the papers already. He did this to end your marriage not you. He probably feels 'wounded' as he feels guilty. Good. Get him to sign the papers then he can trot off to the mistress for sympathy.

Original poster

SorryAboutTheTypos · 20/07/2021 03:47

He will sign them I’m sure, but I just wish he didn’t look like I was hurting him every time I mention it.

I don’t even understand. He’s totally in love with OW so surely he should be glad to be rid of me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2021 03:50

I say this as gently as possible, but give yourself a really hard slap. This man cheated on you without a single care about you and your marriage. He is only pulling these faces to manipulate you, to make himself look like a victim. He is a pathetic arsehole who doesn't deserve a second of your consideration. Submit the fucking paperwork and move on with your life.

FinallyHere · 20/07/2021 04:48

Oh please, and I mean this in as kindly a way as possible, what would you say to a daughter, sister or friend whose husband had cheated on her?

Actions have consequences and quite right to. Maybe it would help you to have some counselling to work through your feeling.

ChakaDakotaRegina · 20/07/2021 05:00

You feel guilty because you’re a nice person and you want to see the best in people and treat them fairly and get on and be respectful and make things work. He’s pulling faces because he doesn’t. He’s pushing your buttons (maybe softening you up to make financial gains?).

There are millions of lovely people in the world - get rid of this idiot and go and find some people that appreciate you.

TeeBee · 20/07/2021 05:28

That wounded soldier look is probably because he's not the one calling the shots. He's having to face the consequences of his actions and maybe that smarts a bit.

Sparklyboots · 20/07/2021 05:52

He's done that transference thing! It's where a person can't accept feelings they have, because they are too painful or whatever, so they hand them over to someone else. These are his feelings you are holding OP. Next time you are struck by them, label them as such and see if you can just observe. Somewhere, buried underneath, is what you feel! Sure it will pass as you go through the process

category12 · 20/07/2021 06:27

Guilt is entirely misplaced here.

And it's just an emotion - push through it, feel it, do what you need to do anyway.

Sit down, fill it in, post it. And done.

category12 · 20/07/2021 06:29

Oh and stop mentioning it to him, and just do it. Then you don't have to see him pull a sad face.

bullyingadvice2017 · 20/07/2021 06:30

Tell him to get a grip. Some front that... what's he want you to do? Get your tiny violin out. What a tit

dudsville · 20/07/2021 06:35

Like all the pps said, "guilt is definitely misplaced here". Also you may be struggling with the politeness that gets us into trouble so often. Divorce is a big literal act of rejection. You've really got to know someone well and on that basis decided they're not for you. That can be a hard thing to do.

Weebleweeble · 20/07/2021 06:41

You care. And are you trying to convince yourself that regardless what he did he also cares. Why would he Not want to move forward with his new relationship. Sorry but I think he is manipulating you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/07/2021 06:44

Next time he pulls that look, ask him "why are you looking at me like I just shot your puppy?"

I'd be very interested in his response! Especially if it's in front of OW 😂

strawberrydonuts · 20/07/2021 06:59

@SorryAboutTheTypos

He will sign them I’m sure, but I just wish he didn’t look like I was hurting him every time I mention it.

I don’t even understand. He’s totally in love with OW so surely he should be glad to be rid of me.

Well I doubt it's that simple as he is "glad to be rid of you".

What he most likely wanted was to have both a stable marriage AND his other woman. Many men who have affairs will do their utmost to juggle both for as long as they possibly can. They want stability and excitement at the same time.

That's not going to be viable so he has to give one up.

It probably IS painful for him, but as others have said, he brought it on himself so you need to try to remember that and don't feel too sorry for him.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 20/07/2021 07:23

He may well look upset - at a relationship ending but that's all, I suspect he's upset at now having to take responsibility for this too with all the financial implications too.

You could make life very easy for him and not want a divorce. But why should you. He wants to be with someone else which leaves you free to be with someone else. No point in staying manacled together.

Surely he understands this?

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