Dad is controlling, don't know how to speak to him about it

[allthetimex]

My DM, DSis and I planned a girly day for the three of us. Nothing extravagant, just lunch and shopping. We asked my DF if he wanted to come, we knew he wouldn't but we always ask to try and minimise him getting annoyed at us going out without him.

The morning comes for us to go and he is in the garage repairing his bike. I mention that me, DSis and DM are leaving now in a casual way but I'm bracing myself for his inevitable bad reaction as I know it's coming. He immediately starts up "Oh great. So I'll just have to stay here then". I remind him that he can come too and that we won't be long anyway. He then starts an argument saying we never do anything with him, we treat him like sh*t, etc. He expects us at this point to not go and previously we wouldn't have, but we just put on a nonchalant act and say "ok well you were invited, we are going now" and we go. On the way I get a text implying he will smash things up in the house and writes "you'll see when you get back". We know this is just his typical pattern of behaviour so we ignore it but it ruins our day anyway as we all just feel really down.

We get back and everything is fine and normal. He acts like nothing happened. Later that evening when I see him in the kitchen he accuses me of ignoring him and not speaking to him when I hadn't seen him since we got back anyway. He apologises for the argument and I stupidly accept it. That's how it always goes. But I know this isn't just an argument, it's awful treatment but I don't know how I can tell him that it's just not acceptable.

You tell him this shit is not acceptable by telling him this shit is not acceptable.

You are not a child, op. He can't control you anymore unless you allow it. It's time to cast away all the fear you've had because of this bully and tell him this bullshit will no longer be tolerated. You all have been controlled by his tantrums long enough. If you live in his home I strongly suggest you get out, and I would encourage your mother and sister to do the same.

He foolishly forgets someday he will be old and need help and he will look to his darling daughters to caretake him and the daughters will say, "You are on your own, buddy...." - Very short-sighted on his part to be a jerk to you.

How old are you?

He's really lacking in self confidence aside from being a controlling bully.

Doesn't he have anyone he can go out with?

Or is he out all the time with friends and just doesn't want you all going out.

Where do you all go with him when you all go out if ever.

What DDIJ wrote. He actively enjoys the power and control he has over your mother and in turn yourselves. This is also why you ask him to go along with you. Do you realise that controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour?. Call this what this is, abusive behaviour from your dad rather than mere awful treatment.

I was wondering how old you are as well and if you live with your parents.

Your mother has also remained with her controller husband for her own reasons and has also taught you damaging lessons about relationships.
I would be reading “why does he do that?” written by Lundy Bancroft and keep posting on here too.

My advice is don’t even bother to try. He’s an adult is making a choice to behave in this way there is nothing you can do to make him change, he won’t want to change because this behaviour works for him and gets him what he wants I.e you all bowing and scraping to keep the peace. He sounds like a giant tantrumming baby the only thing he needs is a dummy and blankie.

I think all be you can do is grey rock him. He's doing these things for a reaction so don't give him one.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to him either. If he's always been like this he's unlikely to change. I'd keep very low contact with him for the sake of your Mum and ignore his tantrums

My sister and I are both in our early 20s and living at home at the moment (I'm moving out in a few months).

I just find it so upsetting seeing how abusive he is, particularly towards my DM. I don't understand how he can be nice one minute and horrible the next.

When he implied he was going to smash the house up I nearly turned the car around to go back home but my DM and DSis convinced me not to and that he was just saying it to upset us. It brought back all these horrible memories of childhood where he would threaten to smash things up or commit suicide whenever there was a disagreement like this.

:(

Leave home as soon as you can, go as no contact as possible with the abusive Prick and try and support your mum and sis as much as possible from a distance
No point in trying to speak to him about it - do you think he will say “you are right, I’m so sorry” and totally change?
He won’t and don’t expect your mum or sister to back you up, they still have to live there.

What an absolutely vile man! I'm glad you're getting out of that hideous environment soon and hope your mum and sister can too!

@Divineswirls

He's really lacking in self confidence aside from being a controlling bully.

Doesn't he have anyone he can go out with?

Or is he out all the time with friends and just doesn't want you all going out.

Where do you all go with him when you all go out if ever.

No, he has no friends and is retired. He hates going out unless it is for one of his hobbies. He doesn't ever want to go anywhere with us, even on my 18th birthday when there was a big family meal he stayed at home. It's really miserable. We have sadly had to get used to doing things just the three of us (DM, DSis and me) otherwise we would never do anything as a family.

We invite him on things all the things all the time but he won't come. Even when they are related to his hobbies and things he has previously liked doing. It's not like we are deliberately excluding him or only doing things we know he would hate (like shopping). If he ever comes with us he rushes us and just wants to go home ASAP.

This is tricky.

He sounds bloody awful; abusive, emotionally manipulative and a bully.

You are making plans to leave. But is your DM?

Leave and take your mum and sister with you.
I watched my best friend growing up with an emotionally abusive father, after she left the abuse of her mother ramped up massively.

Good on moving out, move out asap and do not ever return to live there.

Your dad likes bullying his wife and their two compliant daughters into doing what he wants. This is abusive behaviour on his part and I am not surprised to read he has no friends either. These types do not want them and actively drive people away.

Please for the love of all that is good get help and support for your own self going forward. Living with people like this emotionally damages the now adult children and you will be affected by all this dysfunction in terms of boundary setting. Look carefully at what you learnt about relationships here when you were growing up. Re your own boyfriends and relationships you really cannot afford to be in a relationship with a man who is basically a carbon copy of your father. Would you recognise relationship red flags?.

Your mother is still with this man for her own reasons; their relationship remains very dysfunctional. She is also an integral part of their overall dynamic and she gets what she wants from their relationship.

Your mother is unlikely to leave him and has her own reasons for not doing so to date. Fear of him, money worries and fear of the unknown are all reasons amongst others for many abused people to remain with their abuser.

Your sister could well go onto be in a controlling relationship herself; she's been primed to do so. Do not let that potential fate become yours.

There's nothing you can do about his behaviour. He knows it's unacceptable. That's why he's doing it.

All you can do is alter your response. He's going to behave poorly regardless of what you do, right? So, really, just do whatever makes it easier for you, because it won't make any difference to him.

He may be trying to control you, but whether or not you feel controlled is your responsibility. If I tell you I'm upset because you went out with your sister and your Mum, you won't feel controlled by me, will you? Because you don't give me any power, in your mind. You need to learn to have a similar response to him. Whatever he says, he can't actually control your action or your feelings.

I don't understand how he can be nice one minute and horrible the next

You will never understand this, because it's alien to your morals. And that's fine. To understand him, you'd need to be more like him, and you don't want that... do you?

Move out as soon as you can. And in the meantime, just switch off your phone when you're out with your sister and your mum.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that is an interesting point, my best friend " escaped" her father, straight into the arms of an abusive older man.

Your mother is still with this man for her own reasons; their relationship remains very dysfunctional. She is also an integral part of their overall dynamic and she gets what she wants from their relationship. This bit.

@allthetimex whatver else you take from this store this nugget away for future reference.

I'm in a my mid 50s and have only just realised that my DM sytays with DF for her own reasons - she has told DSis, her favourite, to step away or she will cut her off. She is not the complete victim we had naively assumed she was.

Save yourself years of worrying and realise that both your parents are dmagung your self esteem. Recognise ithat and you can work on undoing that damage! I was lucky, I found DH. DSis not so much, is a single mum and wondering, at 50, what happened!

What a selfish git!

When my OH and daughters go out I relish the quiet

Next time he threatens to smash the house up say "go on then"

OP just to say this really is not normal behaviour as it's very controlling and abusive.

Dads really don't behave like this usually.

You and your DM need a future plan of a life away from him.