Selfish final act of control from a covert Narcissist

[judgejudyrocks]

This is LONG, sorry.

My sister is (I now realise), a covert narcissist. She is passive aggressive, outright aggressive, she lies about everything and is, in my opinion, unwell.

I left home 30 years ago, and moved away to be with my husband. She has never forgiven me for this "crime" and I have endured 30 years of unreasonable behaviour (as have my parents). This has been interspersed with good behaviour, she is generous for example, but the bad times have outweighed the good, because the bad times are so horrific.

To give some examples for context:

She says it's my fault that she married her 1st husband - he was an alcoholic and the marriage didn't last. She says that when she had last minute nerves (on her hen night), that I should have cancelled her wedding. She says I just went home without a backward glance, and that she was a vulnerable 23 year old. The truth is, that the next day, I didn't go home, I actually spent the whole day cleaning her home as it had been trashed by the Stags. Also, she was 26, not 23.

She tells people that when her 1st baby was born, that "I never even came". At this time, we lived 350 miles apart, and what I did do was close my business for 4 days around her due date, my DH got leave from work, and we and our 2 kids drove the 350 miles the day before her due date to see them. This was on my DH birthday, so he drove for 6 hours on his birthday. Baby actually came 3 weeks early, so (imo) it worked out well, as we spent 3 days with baby), but she tells people that "we never came".

She ruined my Mum's 70th birthday, by getting drunk, insulting my Mum, screaming at everyone who was trying to calm her down and the whole evening was chaos. She blames me for this, because I was also trying to calm her down and rescue some kind of evening for our Mum. She has stated in black and white that "she will never forgive me". Mum has told her in no uncertain terms, that the argument was started by her.

She tells people, that when she had a miscarriage, my response was "Oh well, summer babies are better anyway". This makes no sense, I said nothing of the sort and my babies were born in winter, so I have never had a summer baby. So this is just a made up lie, rather than a twist on a half truth.

I stayed at hers once with DH & kids, and she got drunk and screamed at me for several hours, because I had a cider with my lunch, which must mean I am just like her first husband. She wouldn't let me go to bed, and finally at 7am, I had to bundle the kids in to the car and leave. My DH and her DH did nothing to help me, which believe me, I took DH to task for afterwards.

She screams at people in the supermarket if they don't wear masks.

She has had at least 2 tribunals at work, she has been accused of threatening to punch work colleagues. She was also considering accusing a colleague of sexual harassment that did not happen (I know this, because I have seen e-mails between her and my Mum where it is all in black & white).

She upset her husbands Aunt so much (not sure of the situation), but her DH Aunt has gone NC with her.

She told me after her DD was born, that in their Will, they had noted that if something were to happen to her and her DH, that their DD was to be looked after by a friend "because you moved away, so DD won't really know you".

Lastly, when my Mum was really sick, I had to go and stay to care for her. My parents live near my sister, so one night my sister invited me over for a break, but then got really drunk and the evening ended in another argument. The next morning, as soon as I got up she started screaming all sorts in my face. I could feel my heart racing and my blood pressure soaring, so I started to pack silently, trying not to retaliate. She then switched to a super soft voice and asked me "why are you doing this?" I left, and went back to my parents. Dad used his BP machine on me, BP was thru the roof, ambulance was called, the paramedics were not happy with the state of me and I was taken to hospital. They told me I had had a severe panic attack. There has been no apology for this.

Anyway, so much more than this, millions of things, but you get the drift.

Anyway, our DF is in a retirement village now (Mum died last year) and in January he wanted to suspend his cleaner, as she wasn't wearing a mask, and he was not jabbed at that point. She was sending me multiple messages a day, demanding that I insist he keeps the cleaner, because there was no way she would clean his flat for him. I said that I could see Dad's reasoning though, and this resulted in her accusing me and my DH of being "very happy to see Dad live in a sea of filth". At this point me and DH snapped and I reduced contact for the 1st time in 30 years.

Shortly afterwards, she sent me a message asking me to please zoom her kids, as they couldn't lose me on top of losing their Nan. I texted her DH and said I'd love to zoom the kids, and his answer was No. At this point I felt like a mouse in a cat and mouse game with them.
Obviously I wasn't going to push, so since then I have sent Easter presents and (facilitated by my Dad) I've had one phone call with them.

We are going to visit my Dad next weekend, and my Dad has approached my sister saying that me and DH would love to see the children & take them out. The answer is No, "because they have forgotten about me now"

This is yet another form of her being in control, isn't it? Or digging in the knife? I am pretty sure that she will tell anyone who listens that "Judge visited last weekend and didn't even see the kids", which will be true, but it's a twisted version of the truth.

Dad wants to push her to change her mind, but I have told him not to do this.

Anyway, there is no answer, I just wondered if anyone else has lived through anything similar.

You need to fully disengage from her. And grey rock if you bump into her. I think you also need to stop trying to have a relationship with her dc if you haven't one with her. She is using them to control you.

I don't understand why you waited till 7am to leave her house if she was having a screaming fit at you? That must have been awful for your dc to witness. You need to keep this woman away form them.

Let it all go.

Takenoprisoner

I won't bump in to her, we are 350 miles apart thankfully. I agree she is now using her kids as another control thing.

My children didn't witness her screaming, as she started after they were in bed. I didn't want to leave without my children. I couldn't drive as I'd had alcohol, so I basically waited until I was safe to drive, then carried my children to the car and left.

You need to stop being a doormat and go low contact with her.

This mean unless it is a wider family event you have no contact with her at all. This is to protect your children and yourself.

She sounds fucking unhinged. You live 350 miles away from her? Not far enough in my opinion

PersonaNonGarter

I have let it go. It's such a shame though, that now her children are not allowed to see me. She isn't acting in their best interests. Mind you, this is a mother who has thrown cold water over a crying child.

RedMarauder I am completely No contact with her. My own children are now adults.

Justcallmebebes She is very unhinged. Her DH enables this by agreeing with anything she says, no matter how preposterous.

Just remembered, my Dad told me the other day, that she is currently recording all phone conversations between her and her boss, so there is a new drama on the horizon. No idea what of course.

I just finished reading the rest of your post and saw her DP saying no to a Zoom call and her saying no to seeing them when you got to see your dad.

Step away. Honestly, they are both nuts and the more you engage the more they will fuck with you. It's shame you can't have a closer relationship with your nieces/nephews but i would accept that and stop any contact whatsoever. Block them on everything

Anyway, there is no answer

The answer is to disengage. You are allowing her to create drama for you - that's why your post is so long. Everything you wrote is still 'alive' for you, nothing is resolved in your mind.

You're right that there's 'no answer' in terms of her behaving better, but there is an answer for you, which is to pull back from any contact with her and her kids, and find some closure. The drama in your post isn't happening anywhere in the world right now except in your head. Find a way to come to terms with it, so that if you posted again, you could simply write 'My sister was not good for me, so I left her behind.' and that will be all the story you want to tell.

I would keep yourself well away from her for good now and try to seek some counselling as she is clearly suffering from a personality disorder. Her poor children. Unfortunately you should not see them either as this would bring you closer to her. Time to completely step away.

Sounds more like overt narcissism

Justcallmebebes Thanks, I agree this is the way forward.

TheFoundations To be honest, I was thinking about this every day when we first went NC. Now, I am enjoying the peace (I used to get 20+ texts a day), however, I guess this recent refusal to let me see the children has just made me angry again, especially as my poor Dad is so upset about this, and keeps ringing me about it, asking me if he should try to change her mind - I have said a firm No to this, and to let sleeping dogs lie.

I think the hardest thing about this, is to know that there is another person in the World who absolutely hates your guts, based on lies they have made up about you. It's the most bizarre and discombobulating thing that has ever happened to me.

She's beyond narcissistic she actually sounds like a psychopath and how her husband allows their children to be around her is mind boggling! I say that because I cannot imagine how awful she is behind closed doors. Maybe it's codependency. Nevertheless for yourself and your family,keep your distance.

ScabbyHorse Thanks. I will still send gifts for the children. I send them via my Dad, so I know they get them - I can imagine her binning them and then telling them that I had forgotten them! I will google overt narcissism, thanks!

EKGEMS I have no idea how her DH copes, to be honest. I think he knows she's not right, but is too scared to suggest this, so instead he is constantly fire fighting, trying to calm down whatever drama is on the go. He's very calm. But I think it is enabling her. Because if he won't challenge her, it's like he's saying she's in the right, iyswim. On one occasion she did something (don't know what) that really angered one of his good friends, and he didn't back her up. He paid for this dearly.

Just thought of something else. She wrote an e-mail to my Mum, bitching about the fact that she had attended every single birthday party my children had, whereas I hadn't attended all of her children's parties. Now, on the surface, that sounds terrible right?

But...when my kids were small, we lived 40 minutes apart. Parties were always on Saturday's. She was single. She had no children of her own. She did not work Saturdays. She had her own car. She was able to attend the party, stay for half an hour or whatever afterwards, and then be home in time for whatever she wanted to do that evening.

Her children are now small, but we live 350 miles apart. I work Saturdays and Sundays. For me to attend a party, I have to close my business, drive for 6 hours (or fly) and obviously stay over, as it's too far to drive there and back in one day. I have done this a few times, which costs me a few hundred in lost wages and about £100 in fuel, plus the cost of the gift, plus take outs/meals out. I always send a lovely gift and facetime on the day to sing happy birthday.

So, it's not as simple as "I went to her kids parties but she doesn't come to mine", and yet, this is the story that is told.

She sounds like an utter psychopath. Grey rock and forget about seeing her kids for now.

Its not your fault that your sister is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. NPD is a cluster B personality disorder and she certainly has some forms of untreated - and untreatable - personality disorders (note plural). One or even perhaps all her children now will likely grow up behaving very similarly to their mother as adults. A weak enabling father and a dominating mother make for a horrible combination and their relationship is dysfunctional as well.

You absolutely have to disengage here from all of this. For your own self cease with the sending of gifts to her children; I doubt very much your sister says they are from you in any case.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what are and have been your roles here?. Both your father and late mother played out roles too in your family unit within this wholly dysfunctional dynamic; your dad seems to further want to try and appease your sister.

You need to drop the rope entirely here and find a therapist who is well versed in narcissistic abuse and recovery from same. I would also suggest you look at the Out of the FOG website.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thanks for your reply. I have read your posts for years, and always agree with what you have to say.

I have disengaged with her, but don't want to cease acknowledging birthdays and Christmas with the children. They can read, and will know the gifts are from me.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what are and have been your roles here? Both your father and late mother played out roles too in your family unit within this wholly dysfunctional dynamic; your dad seems to further want to try and appease your sister

This is very interesting. My upbringing was dysfunctional. My Dad was an aggressive drunk, with some violence thrown in, not hitting Mum, but throwing things across rooms, or getting out of the car in the middle of nowhere late at night (on the way back from the pub), and striding off in to the night, leaving my Mum and us terrified that he wouldn't make it home. He would openly threaten my Mum in front of guests when he was drunk "If you don't do this, I'm going to throw you out of that fucking window".....no one ever said anything, no adults stepped in. My Mum would argue back a little, but largely tried to keep the peace.

My sister is similar to my Dad, and I have for the past 30 years tried to be the peace keeper (like my Mum). But I just can't do this until the day I die, hence going NC in January after a particularly nasty message I just snapped.

I will look at that website, thanks.

Disengage from the storytelling. You're telling us all because you want validation. Validate yourself. Everything you feel is right. You are right to feel the way you do, because feelings are never wrong. You are being yourself, and having your own emotional response, and it's the right response for you. Nobody can query that, it's yours. No question.

Your response to your feelings is what's keeping you stuck. All the storytelling, re-hashing, going over and over. Stop the stories as soon as they start in your head. You are doing yourself harm and spoiling your own mood.

I should say, that now Dad is old, he has mellowed somewhat. I cannot and would not want to go NC with him. He needs support now and I give it. He is mostly now a nice person to be around. But he's a very old man now.

All the storytelling, re-hashing, going over and over. Stop the stories as soon as they start in your head. You are doing yourself harm and spoiling your own mood

Yeah, I know what you mean. Had my Dad on the phone earlier really upset is all. I don't think about this all the time, far from it. I'm off work today, with nothing to do, and just thought it would be interesting to post this and see if others have experienced similar. In half an hour DH will be home, and we won't even talk about this (whereas 6 months ago we would talk about it a lot!)

There doesn't sound anything covert about your sister and her behaviour, she sounds pretty out there really.

Maxiedog123 I think a PP was probably right when they said Overt Narc rather than Covert Narc. She can be very passive aggressive. Will send pages and pages of text, which paint her as the victim. On other occasions she can be outright aggressive and will sometimes threaten violence. She thinks that the world is out to get her. She will look for the bad in anything. For eg. I once sent her a beautiful big bouquet for her Birthday, but she told my Mum how "all she wants is a sister who sends a thoughtful gift instead of just flowers".