Workaholic DH

[hanketypankety]

Anyone else married to a workaholic? It's slowly driving me mad. DH is self employed and takes on so much work that he works 7 days a week and huffs and puffs the majority of the time. Mainly about how busy he is/he's in a rush/how he hates what he does. I know he's doing it because he wants me to think that he's wonderful for being such a hard worker and pushing himself to limit. He's desperate for someone to tell him he's amazing for taking so much on but no one will. I work part time and have a great work/life balance which means I get quality time with our DD which is what means the most to me. I've got to the point where I literally just ignore him when he starts saying things like "I've got such a busy day ahead, don't know how I'm going to fit it all in". Off you fucking trot then. I'm going to have a lovely day! I've got good friends and family and enjoy spending time with them. It doesn't stop me feeling down about it though. I do love him and he is a good father (when he's around) but marriage shouldn't be like this, surely?

So he works 7 days, and you work part time.

Does his work bring in the majority of the income that allows your choice? Or is he working hard but not earning loads?

At first glance your post could look like you reall don’t like your hard working H, don’t appreciate it or support it but are happy to allow him to work so you can have time off? I presume that’s not the case?..

I was thinking along the same lines as the above post. How much do you earn, say last year. How much did he earn last year. Are you going to increase your hours once dc go to school? What’s the mortgage position, do you have one?

Have you had the chat with him about how much money you need to survive and how much work is appropriate for him to take on to achieve this, with a view to him being able to work less so you can be together more?

Are your expectations unrealistic (birken bags and five grand holidays) or are you able to manage a household quite happily on less money if you can just be together more? Or if you don’t earn much and have a high running cost could you take on more paid and thereby allow him to work less?

I wonder if he is the guy posting on here that he is killing himself with work while his wife swans about having a lovely time working part time but he worries for their future and is trying to basically pick up her slack financially. You might want to check out the replies on that one to see the other side of the coin. Can’t remember what it was called sorry.

Yes I can see how that could've come across but far from the truth! I worked full time until we had DD. I now work part time with a decent wage. He earns a very decent wage but we also have a lot in savings. He never wants to touch this money and the vibe I get from what he's said in the past is that he hasn't really got any plans to live a great life later on using this money. He basically likes it to sit in an account. His mum is the same. I've begged him so many times to reduce his workload. I've told him I want us to have more quality time as a family and that we already are in a good financial situation and would continue to be if he just lessens his workload. I would hope then his health would improve (physically and mentally). He just really doesn't need to work as much as he does

He definitely doesn't need to pick up any slack! I have a deputy managers job and contribute equally to our household. I pay my half for all holidays and he chooses where to go a lot of the time so he never has to feel like he needs to work more to pay for that. I buy everything for our child out of my own account, not the joint one. I've checked finances and we can definitely still have a fulfilled life if he dropped his hours a bit

Yes I am. DH works 7 days a week, always swamped, always preoccupied with work, too busy to plan ahead, sort stuff out, cook a meal, do the washing up etc etc etc.

Very difficult to deal with bc any suggestion he could cut down is seen as a lack of appreciation and naivety about money.

I've come to accept he's got an addiction, which, like any other, serves the purpose of avoiding feelings and life. He's must get something from the adrenaline of constant looming deadlines and being a martyr. But as compulsive behaviours go it could be worse.

He's always been like this but pre children it wasn't so much of an issue.

However I love him and we get on well most of the time. I've accepted that trying to get him to change is a futile waste of effort so I've made a conscious decision to stop, and feel better for not banging my head against a brick wall.

Ideally, marriage shouldn't be like this but then again there's all sorts of odd things going on behind closed doors...

Sorry, this is a bit depressing but you are not alone.

Can anyone signpost me to the thread that a previous poster suggested? Would be interesting to read

I had one of these. I left him in the end as I was fed up of me and the DC coming second to a job. He was never home, and when he was home, he wasn’t ‘present’.
Since leaving him, he’s become much less work-focused, spends proper quality time with the DC. I’m happy for them that they have their dad back and I’m much happier now too.
I’m not suggesting you leave him! Just telling you how it went for me. He took me for granted and knew that I’d do everything so he didn’t have to. Got the shock of his life when I left!

Some people are simply programmed this way. My ex was like this, he could turn any job into a 14 hr day. He used to change jobs about every 3 years, because he'd get so stressed with the amount of hours he had to put, and the amount of work he had, in he'd end up leaving, blaming the job. After years of this it became very apparent that it wasn't the job. It was him! His colleagues who did the same job didn't have the same issues or work the same hours. It was because he'd get involved in things he shouldn't, or didn't need to. I used to joke that he could turn a 1 hour job into a 5 hour job. But this was what he did.

It meant that holidays were spent with him taking his laptop. Work calls were made in the car with the dc whilst we were on our way out. Christmas plays were spent emailing on his phone. It was awful and really impacted everyone. The kids still remember him getting told off for him being on his phone during the xmas play.

That’s great you both pull your weight and it’s fair. I can totally see why you’d be pissed off with him never being there to have a meaningful relationship with you and the children.

You need to work out why he’s working so hard. What is it that drives him. Is it because he feels excluded from family life ‘my wife and kids don’t get me or love me’ type shit, or is it that the mother had no money back in the day and he has been trained that am as place is to work seven days a week or he’s not a man. Or is he having an affair. Or does he no longer love you but just wants to be away from you and the kids? Or there are problems at work or he’s a gambling or secret coke addict. Do you have access to his bank statements?

You need to talk. And if he won’t cut back his hours you need to consider if it’s worth being in a relationship with the invisible man. Coz that’s what he is to your family. You’re effectively a single mum with money. You signed up to be a wife of a family man. He needs to change.

Thanks for updating and yes it sounds like you both pull your weight financially.

On the savings, I have been self employed in the past and whilst it can pay well it’s precarious. I felt the need to save a decent buffer just in case. The pressure is there to provide even if you lose your income so that might be part of the reluctance to live off those savings.

How would you feel about upping your hours so he can reduce his? Both do 5 days?

@Elieza

That’s great you both pull your weight and it’s fair. I can totally see why you’d be pissed off with him never being there to have a meaningful relationship with you and the children.

You need to work out why he’s working so hard. What is it that drives him. Is it because he feels excluded from family life ‘my wife and kids don’t get me or love me’ type shit, or is it that the mother had no money back in the day and he has been trained that am as place is to work seven days a week or he’s not a man. Or is he having an affair. Or does he no longer love you but just wants to be away from you and the kids? Or there are problems at work or he’s a gambling or secret coke addict. Do you have access to his bank statements?

You need to talk. And if he won’t cut back his hours you need to consider if it’s worth being in a relationship with the invisible man. Coz that’s what he is to your family. You’re effectively a single mum with money. You signed up to be a wife of a family man. He needs to change.

Really? He works hard so could be having an affair or spending on coke?

Perhaps he’s pissed off with unequal work effort. Perhaps he signed up to be an equal partnership, not working 7 days while his wife is part time.

The only thing you’re right about is the need to talk

I’m case I wasn’t clear Bill, I meant that the OP is bringing in money to the household and is pulling her weight. If he chooses to be away more -why? Is he working or is it something else he is doing that would explain his absences.

Good point you made re self employment though. That could be relevant OP, he just worries for the future?

Sympathies , and to carrotv

This rang a bell...*Yes I am. DH works 7 days a week, always swamped, always preoccupied with work, too busy to plan ahead, sort stuff out, cook a meal, do the washing up etc etc etc.

Very difficult to deal with bc any suggestion he could cut down is seen as a lack of appreciation and naivety about money*

Have a Dh just like yours. It was v good to hear you describe it as an addiction.lt bulb moment. Think it’s bought on by high achieving and showey off father.