Firstly, I'm so sorry for the long post!
I'm 31, and have been with my DH for 6 years, married for 3. We have one DS who is 2, and one dog.
In the time we've been together, we've done an awful lot together. We've done a lot of travelling, gone through a renovation. we've moved house multiple times, (most recently last month). We've worked in demanding careers in different time zones - both working in the U.K. but a lot of my calls are with teams in the east, and he works with the west coast, so will work well into the evening.
We parent together well; he's a great dad, very hands on. He's great around the house and helps out a lot. We get on really well - same sense of humour. I know I'm very lucky in many ways. We're best friends and a good team. But emotionally there is nothing in our relationship- and zero effort from him.
When I met him, he was divorced. He's 5 years older than me, and had been with his ex wife for several years, but married for a very short period. She had met someone else shortly after getting married. She told him that they felt that they were more like friends. Because the first few years of our relationship were so passionate, I thought nothing of this. But now I can see that our relationship is absolutely following the same pattern - and he seems absolutely fine with letting it.
Since getting pregnant 3 years ago, I've felt a real shift in our relationship. He used to be incredibly attentive and affectionate. He had a lot of respect for me. When I got pregnant, I noticed things began to shift. He stopped asking how I was, he stopped being affectionate. He was 110% there practically, but the emotional side of our relationship just disappeared, and was left to me to drive.
When our son arrived, things obviously got worse and they've just never improved. For the last 2 years our intimacy has decreased (once every other month). He never kisses me, touches me. I always instigate affection. I've tried to get through the last 3 years by telling myself it's largely down to having a young child and feeling tired.
The last couple of years have been tough. On the surface we look happy, but I'm lonely and miss intimacy, affection and love. I miss feeling loved. I miss hugs, kisses- and being considered. We've spoken about this countless times- I've been very open about my feelings and I've really tried to work with him to identify the root cause. We did counselling last year which helped. He seems to understand that I need more, and he wants to give it- but has yet to put any of this into action. I haven't really seen any effort to invest in our relationship in anyway.
I'm finally back to my pre baby weight. In the last few months I've been getting some lovely compliments from friends about my appearance. But my confidence is taking an absolute beating. After 3 years of this, it just feels soul destroying to continually have to drive this. It's soul destroying to always initiate intimacy, to feel rejected frequently. I've tried everything... I've taken the passive approach of just gently reassuring and giving him time. I've tried to be more open and communicative. I've really tried everything, and I'm just not getting it back.
I think for him his priorities are 1) baby 2) dog 3) work 4) his bikes 5) me. I know I'll never be no. 1, but it would be fantastic to be no 3!
Is this normal? What more can I do? At what point do I say "enough is enough"?
I really struggle with the idea of separating a happy family unit for the sake of my own needs. My son is so happy. I just feel so selfish