Can't hear a bloody thing

[aawcmon]

Totally prepared to be told i'm being unreasonable, particularly as i have zero patience these days as a result of being in perimenopause and suffering from mild depression.

My DH and i have had a rough few years. We've had counselling twice and both times the different counsellors told him he needed to step up (he's very apathetic, doesn't talk about anything deep or meaningful and generally just drifts along not interacting. He has taken depression medication on and off over the past 10 years but i couldn't say if he's on them right now as he doesn't tell me (part of the problem).

Anyway, now to my question (sorry for rambling)....He's always been very quietly spoken, but over the past year or so I've noticed it getting more and more pronounced. Its so bad, i honestly can't make out a word without having to say 'What?' every single time...it's not just me either, anyone he talks to its the same thing, they always have to ask him to repeat what he's just said. It's driving me absolutely nuts ...i've asked him time and time again to speak up but he doesn't even try to project his voice despite knowing the person won't be able to hear...I'm not asking him to be Brian Blessed for goodness sake, i just want to be able to hear without having to ask for a repeat every single time....i suppose there's not much you lovely people can help with, it just helps getting it off my chest!

It's very annoying. Just stop answering. If you can't hear just ignore completely until he says it a little louder.

That's what I do anyway.

My father has a hearing aid. He can't be bothered to put it in mostly. His wife enables him by bellowing, but I just say clearly to him, if he can't be bothered putting his hearing aid in I can't be bothered speaking. He puts it in.

Same principle. Tell him if he can't be bothered speaking at a reasonable volume, you can't be bothered trying to interact, then just ignore him if he speaks and you can't hear. Encourage others to do the same. Don't enable this anti social behaviour.

And if it's linked to his depression but he won't even tell you if he's on medication or not, then I'm afraid that's his problem to solve not yours.

I think you're right, i'm going to have to just ignore...i have tried this a couple of times in the past but the kids shout 'Mum, dad's speaking to you...' and then i'm classed as the bad one because i didn't answer...he has a habit of doing that, putting on the 'poor me' face so the kids feel sorry for him...really rips my knitting.

There is something about some middle aged men as they progress in age. My uncle was like this - used to be softly spoken but perfectly audible. Now is practically mute and when he speaks its no more than a whisper. Don't know how my aunt copes.

OP, have you had your hearing checked? The RNID have an online hearing test you can use here: www.nuheara.com/hearing-check/?av=3&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_YPzrNDt8QIVLQIGAB0hwwg4EAAYASAAEgLT_fD_BwE I can tell you, as someone who started losing her hearing in her teens, thinking that other people are talking quietly or mumbling is the first symptom you get. That and the feeling that people are deliberately leaving you out. I'm not kidding. It might be something as simple as wax build-up in your ears.

Fangs it's not the OP's hearing, other people have the same problem.

he has a habit of doing that, putting on the 'poor me' face so the kids feel sorry for him

Just say, "Is he, I can't hear anything, he'll have to speak up" then move away and do something somewhere else. I think somehow you're going to have to get across to the kids that he's being a complete tool and is best ignored until he starts behaving like a grown up.

Am interested in who else he does this to.

So did he "step up" as advised by the counsellors, (whatever "stepping up" entails)? Do you want to remain married to him?

Just throwing this out there: I know someone with Parkinson's and they speak quieter and quieter as time goes on. Obviously there's plenty of other symptoms too.

My mum had alzheimer's this is a trait from start to present (later stages). They know they don't have the confidence of their own speech and tend to mumble.
Hopefully this is not the case but only a possibility.

I have nothing of real value to add but kudos for using "rips my knitting".🤣
nice one.
I'm a knitter too

Someone I know has problems with ear wax which makes them deaf every now and then. When it's bad they actually speak more quietly, it's how we know to tell them to get checked out again or use ear drops for a few days. It's one thing you might like to rule out? It sounds frustrating and would really test my patience, I know it's more complex than this but might be worth looking into.

@SixesAndEights - does it with everyone, friends and family from both sides. Interestingly enough, doesn't do it with work colleagues on the phone.

@AmberIsACertainty - he absolutely did not step up unfortunately. Apparently if you ignore something, it goes away all by itself, that's always been his motto. He carries on in his own wee world, doing his hobbies, sitting on his phone and pottering about. He does help out in the house to a minimum extent but it is me that does the vast majority of the housework, organising, sorting kids, etc. I don't plan on staying here long term, no.

Apparently if you ignore something, it goes away all by itself

💀

Do you think he'll notice when you've gone?!

Haven't you wasted enough time on a man who simply doesn't give a shit? Every minute spent with him is a minute too long. This marriage simply doesn't work and it's never going to.

It could be attention seeking, particularly if there is a history of mental health issues, I've seen that before. It forces people to pay extra attention to the speaker, or ignore them completely, either unintentionally or through annoyance, reinforcing the idea that they don't matter. Could it be that? If so, be sympathetic but careful not to enable the behaviour.

I'd give him one chance to repeat himself, but without doing anything to assist, like moving closer, and if you still can't hear him just go about your business. That way he knows you're not ignoring him, and the kids won't worry. If it's important enough he'll make sure you hear him.

I totally get your frustration but when I read your story I felt really sorry for him. The history of anti depressants, the inability to engage with the world and you. He's now so withdrawn he can hardly talk.
It sounds like he's dying inside.
I'm not saying you have to fix him. Sounds like you're worn down by it and empathy might have left the building.

does it with everyone, friends and family from both sides. Interestingly enough, doesn't do it with work colleagues on the phone

Surprise bloody surprise - not 🙄

particularly if there is a history of mental health issues, I've seen that before. It forces people to pay extra attention to the speaker, or ignore them completely, either unintentionally or through annoyance, reinforcing the idea that they don't matter.

I seen this happen in a family member during a depression/mental break

This is who he is, the balls in your court.

Sadly I'm not surprised he doesn't do it with work colleagues, whatever the anti sicial behaviour many men display away from the workplace it's never replicated there, they'd be out of a job if it were.

I'm glad you're not staying long term, just make it as short term as you can though, you've put up with him long enough.

He's now so withdrawn he can hardly talk.

He's fine at work and with work colleagues on the phone so don't feel too sorry for him.

@FangsForTheMemory I tried it last night and still haven't got the results through

My ex did a bit of this. Partly to make me think I was going mad I reckon. And to show me how uncouth I was with my audible voice. He was forever shushing me for my 'loud voice' whilst using his tiny voice. I think that ignoring might work if you stick with it. Or a hearty 'speak up. I can't hear you'. When it comes to it though it's all about the control.