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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Breaking free...will I ever find love?

14 replies

Waitthenwhat · 18/07/2021 21:54

Trying to break free from an abusive relationship. Too much happened in the 15 years with my husband to recount here! Too many bad memories and put downs. I have 2x boys and I don’t want them growing up with him. He is not nice to them, not a good example and not a good father. My biggest fear is that I will never find love again! I don’t want to grow old alone... I know stupid as logic says staying alone is better then bad company. I am almost 40... any support/experiences of finding love after an abusive relationship will be much appreciated! Thank you!

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Waitthenwhat · 18/07/2021 22:06

Also, how painful was the divorce process itself?

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TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 23:18

My biggest fear is that I will never find love again! I don’t want to grow old alone

This fear is what's landed you in an abusive relationship, and will mean that luck will decide if your future relationships are abusive or healthy, rather than you deciding for yourself.

Wouldn't you rather choose for yourself whether your next relationship is abusive? If so, learn how to be happy on your own. Life isn't a romance novel. A relationship isn't the only way to be happy; find others.

Waitthenwhat · 19/07/2021 04:46

Very true! I met my husband while my mum was dying with cancer. He was a v different man back then (as most abusive men are pre marriage).

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2021 05:00

Finding love again should be very low on your priority list. If it happens, it happens, no one can predict your future.

Your priority needs to be getting your children and yourself away from this abusive man.

tortoiselover100 · 19/07/2021 05:34

I've just found love at the age of 44. I think it only happened because I decided to fully love myself, flaws and all.

Xztop · 19/07/2021 06:53

I'm 42 and I would like to meet someone one day but for now my priority is me and dc! I'm getting my life back and I love it! I always think love happens when we dont actively seek it...

Waitthenwhat · 19/07/2021 08:31

Just to clarify: I a not looking at meeting anyone atm. And I think I will still be traumatised for a while after all this ends before I can trust my judgment again. Thank you all for the reply!

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updownroundandround · 19/07/2021 08:34

At 'almost' 40, you're definitely not too old to find another partner to share life with, but as a PP said, you need to worry less about 'growing old' being 'lonely', and more about learning what you need and want from any 'relationship.

You have spent years in an abusive relationship, and it may take years for you to fully understand yourself, the things that make you happy.

You don't need to be in another 'relationship' to be happy ! But I think you need to learn this, before you even consider dating again.

After you're divorced, focus on your home, your DC and your happiness. In time, you can build a better relationship with yourself.
I say that because too often women seem to 'define themselves' by what they are to others, rather than what they are to themselves.

i.e Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife.................but in reality, you can either subjugate yourself to be 'defined' by these 'roles', or you can be true to yourself first, and 'define' these 'roles' to fit you.

In time, you are very likely to meet someone new, and when you do, you need to have already worked out, what it is that you want from any new relationship.(so that you only continue with any relationship because it's right for you)

Does that make sense ?

Waitthenwhat · 19/07/2021 09:13

Yes, it does! Thank you. Agree I need to work on myself so I can move forward...doing counselling now, but I had anxiety for as long as I can remember and having an abusive husband just doesn’t help the healing process...

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TheFoundations · 19/07/2021 09:26

@Waitthenwhat

Just to clarify: I a not looking at meeting anyone atm. And I think I will still be traumatised for a while after all this ends before I can trust my judgment again. Thank you all for the reply!
I'd bet my piano that your judgment is fine. I'd bet that you saw all the red flags. I'd bet that you clearly spotted every instance of abuse, down to a tee.

The only reason you stayed with him was because you ignored your judgment, not because your judgment is poor. It might seem like a small distinction, but it's really important to recognise that your issue isn't recognising 'When he does x, I feel bad', but 'When I feel bad, I don't respond appropriately to get my needs met'.

The reason it's important is because it means the solution to the situation (and any similar in the future) is in your hands, rather than that of a potential abuser. And if you're not relying on somebody else behaving well, and choosing instead to walk away if they behave poorly, that's a lot more certainty. You know there will not be abuse in your life, because you will make sure you stay away from it. That's very helpful for anxiety, because you realise that you are in charge.

Mermaidwaves · 19/07/2021 11:25

I'm in the same boat OP, nearly two years separated after a long abusive marriage and I'm 40. The first year I was like you, worried about finding love and being alone, I was OLD and it was a disaster, I attracted more abusive men and I can see now I came across as desperate.

I have now given up on that and in the last few months I've been massively focusing on getting fit and healthy and not about finding love. I'm feeling calmer about being single and am coming to the point where I don't care if I meet someone. This will come for you too but I totally understand where you are coming from.

updownroundandround · 19/07/2021 16:51

@Waitthenwhat

I'm sure your counselling with be far more 'productive' once you have actually left the twat.

Until you do, I fear you're only going to be 'treading water' counselling wise. But if it helps you take the final 'step' to leave him, then fantastic.

It seems to me that your 'anxiety' about 'being lonely' is only ever going to improve once you have left him, because what I actually expect you to feel then, is actually relief.

The huge weight that you're constantly carrying on your shoulders because of him, will lift. And, like many of us, you'll actually be surprised by that being your overriding emotion.

You're a strong woman, I think you'll surprise yourself Flowers

Waitthenwhat · 20/07/2021 15:57

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and experiences. Much appreciated! Indeed, I am left with no choice but leave and look after myself and the boys.

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Waitthenwhat · 20/07/2021 17:44

Can anyone please link me to good recourses/threads about divorce? Steps and costs involved? Thank you!

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