DH smoking driving me mad!

[GSD20]

DH has always smoked. It’s annoying but it’s something I just accepted. He promised to stop when we had DC1 and didn’t, again I just accepted it and secretly seethed but never said much as it causes WW3 and he is extremely defensive about it.

Anyway we move house last year and finances are a lot tighter (not to the point we can’t live but less luxuries) We needed to move for various reasons and had to buy a complete wreck to be able to afford it.
He promises to cut down smoking as we need to tighten our belts and I also give up an expensive hobby in order to free up finances a bit so we didn’t feel the pinch of new house as much. I did notice him spending a fair bit of time outside but didn’t realise how much more as I’ve been working a lot of late nights etc to save for renovations.
In this time I also fall pregnant with DC2 which is probably impacting my anger as I’m hormonal as hell.
We have been trying to decide for months whether to spend money on a new roof and boiler, calculating costs and seeing where we can save some money to go towards it etc. Discussing things like fewer days out, less eating out etc. All perfectly reasonable things I am on board with and I thought we were working together to get things done.

Today I needed to check something on the bank account, admittedly I’m not normally one to check the accounts much as I am frugal and know what’s there but I did and can not believe how much he has spent on cigarettes. He is spending £16 every 2-3 days on average and almost £200 last month. He always told me it was something like £15/week which is annoying enough but it’s actually double this if not more. I’ve never noticed before as we have two accounts and he usually pays for cigarettes from account 1 which I never check but he has had to use account 2 this month due to an unexpected bill wiping out his usual pot.

I confronted him and he has gone ballistic saying I am financially controlling and that he earns the lions share so can spend what he wants. He has also said we can afford it so what’s the problem and as I’ve never noticed it before surely it can’t be an issue as if it was effecting us it would have flagged up.
He has also said he would never stop or cut down and would rather not have a new boiler and smoke instead and that I’m not to speak about it again. He also said he would rather not eat all month than give up smoking
We then argued and he has left to stay with his mum for a bit as he can’t be controlled in this way any more.

I don’t know if I’m being utterly unreasonable to be furious about this. I’ve given up my hobby, cut back my cloth wherever I can to help get the house into a more livable standard and also have done less with the children and all the time he is puffing away on £15 worth of cigarettes every 2 days
I wouldn’t mind so much if we were rich but we absolutely are not. It’s not even the money as such it’s more the fact he’s happy to spend so much on himself when myself and the children are cutting back and he clearly isn’t!!

Am I just being a hormonal arsehole here or am I justified in being seething about a man smoking who I knew smoked when I met him?!
I’ve grown up in the past 10 years, had kids, sacrificed a lot and yet he seems to get to just say live with it because I won’t change and there’s nothing I can say about it is there?!

He won’t quit unless he wants.

Too late now to say this should have been a deal breaker for a long time ago, certainly before ttc DC1.

So up to you what you do next. If you can’t live like this you’ll have to look at splitting up.

I wouldn’t bother with ultimatums either as he’s addicted and you can’t argue with that.

I think rather than just having a go at him, you need to help him look at ways to cut down or give up.

As a former smoker, it’s incredibly hard to give up for a lot of people and just angrily confronting them to demand that they must give up will only make them hide it or more determined to do it.

I don’t think you’re wrong, but clearly there has been a breakdown n communication over this particular issue and rather than being determined to take opposing positions, you need to try and work together to address it.

This being MN, a load of people will post that he’s a selfish cunt and you have to LTB and eurgh smoking is soooo disgusting but it’s not quite that simple.

I would never get in a relationship with anyone who smoked if I didn't smoke, so I'm not going to be helpful here but it seems you have two options.

1. Leave him.
2. Suck it up.

He's not going to quit. He's addicted and isn't interested in quitting.

I would also start putting the equivalent money aside into your own account and when he starts noticing you're short of money you can either show him how much he is wasting, or just use it to get yourself something.

Addicts are quite selfish sometimes, sadly.

I totally see why it's annoying when you want to save money, but yes I think you're being (a bit) unreasonable given that he smoked when you met and it can be extremely difficult for some people to give up.

From experience, kicking up a fuss about it will if anything have the opposite effect from that desired.

What AnneLovesGilbert says. He’s promised to cut down, you’ve kept your side of the bargain by giving up an expensive hobby, you’ve discussed ways in which you can save elsewhere - and he’s basically sticking two fingers up at your agreement and is prioritising smoking over you, your family and your home. I really feel for you, that sounds awful

If he’s really not prepared to budge on this issue and has huffed off back to his mum’s (who I hope has told him to get himself sorted ASAP) then it all depends whether you think that you can put up with the smoking without it driving a wedge between you both in the future.

@AnneLovesGilbert your absolutely right. I should have said this years ago!

When we met I didn’t really care. We had separate finances and to be honest I wasted money myself on a lot of silly things (ponies, mainly )
I presumed like lots of people he would see sense and get his priorities right. Not the case though.

However here I am years later, grown up and taking things seriously and I feel like he is still acting like a selfish 18 year old arsehole with not a care in the world- only he’s a father and husband with a serious job and a massive mortgage and he’s spending a large chunk of the family cash on himself. I suppose it’s not even that it’s smoking, it’s that he’s taking that money away from us being able to decide on a day out or whatever and choosing to spend it on something only he benefits from. I would never spend huge chunks on myself without thinking if it was better spent on DC or a family activity etc.

I’ve left it way too late though, going to have to just bury the anger aren’t I

Would he try patches or a combination of quitting products? Or switch to hand rolling tobacco? £2000 a year seems a lot when your facing big bills like a new boiler.
Has he calmed down yet?

You got with him knowing he smoked.
You had a baby with him knowing he smoked.
You then fell pregnant again knowing he smoked.

I really see both sides here. I'm am a former smoker and switched to vaping as I simply couldn't afford it anymore. It has been the easiest transition and I don't miss cigarettes at all. I am hoping to be able to cut down with the vaping as I don't seem to need that as much as an actual cigarette. Could you encourage him to try that? He is an addict. It's horrifically difficult to quit smoking and he is going to be defensive about it. You have every right to be annoyed at the money it is costing though given your circumstances. I was spending 200 a month on cigarettes and vaping costs me less than a tenner once I'd bought the equipment. It's not ideal but a compromise at least.

I'd leave it for now and perhaps try abs approach it when you're both not so angry.

I don’t think he would try vaping because he said he enjoys smoking and does not want to quit I don’t get it when we could spend that on other much better things but then again I don’t smoke.
He already smokes rolled tobacco…just a lot of it!

@blinkthreetimes I did! However he lied about how much he smoked and how much it cost. I thought it cost a third of what it does!! He also has increased his smoking since we had DC, not decreased as promised. I never never smoked nor bought cigarettes or checked up on his spending so had no clue it was anywhere near that much.

He is normally a very calm and rational person, probably the more sensible of us both particularly where money is involved which is why this is so much more infuriating as he considers other bills to the penny but is happy to literally burn cash at the same time

His anger isn't really at you. I know that it feels like it is. What it really is is fear. Fear that he cannot give up. Knowledge that he is letting you all down. Shame that he is so weak.

I know because I am a smoker trying to move to vaping. I have never felt so controlled by anything in my life. No one single smoker actually wants to smoke. They will have tried to stop and found it overwhelming.

I'm sorry that you are both struggling with this.

@Megasausagehead interesting you say that as he has said tonight he loves smoking, it’s his hobby and also that he would rather eat less/not eat out/not get a new kitchen etc and smoke instead.
I just don’t get it!
I understand it’s an addiction but he is unwilling to even try and I know I can’t force him so I’m stuck living with it instead!

I would leave the selfish, disgusting fuckwit, but then again I would never have gotten together with a smoker. It is absolutely vile and a horrible example for your children. Your resentment is only going to grow, and I don't see you just forgetting about all the money he's wasting.

£200 x 12months x 10 years = £24,000

Quite amazing really. Imagine if you were addicted to burning £200 of candles each month. Just a crazy concept.

He does sound as if he really loves smoking though, far more than he loves you or his children.

As a smoker, I can tell you he's angry with himself. With the fact that he is controlled by it and is letting himself and his wife and children down.

It's such an awful addiction. Any addiction is awful really. But it does take over you. And quitting is so incredibly hard. And it's only possible to quit if you want to.

He needs to start by cutting down.

If he's smoking 30g of tabaco every 2-3 days he's smoking around 30 a day.
Which is an awful lot. I only smoke 10 and that feels extreme!

When he's calmed down tell him he needs to cut down a bit. Then go from there.

I agree with a previous poster you should check the account every week and take the same amount of money he is spending on fags and put it into your own separate account for you to spend on you, or on days out with the kids (and not with him!).

If he questions this explain that marriage is a partnership and if he is spending £200 on fags then you get £200 per month to do what you want. There isn't one rule for him and another for you. It actually doesn't matter who earns the money. You guys are married so you are one financial "unit". I assume you do the majority of the child care which is saving you both, as a couple, thousands per year- that's part of your financial contribution, in addition to the work that you do outside the home. Perhaps he needs to be reminded that nursery fees are £1000 plus per month?

I don't think that there is much else you can do; you can't change him! Only other option is to leave.

[quote GSD20]@Megasausagehead interesting you say that as he has said tonight he loves smoking, it’s his hobby and also that he would rather eat less/not eat out/not get a new kitchen etc and smoke instead.
I just don’t get it!
I understand it’s an addiction but he is unwilling to even try and I know I can’t force him so I’m stuck living with it instead![/quote]
They're just excuses for not even trying. He is terrified of failing.

I mean everyone knows it kills you. It also gives you nothing, no high etc.it costs the earth and nobody wants their children to do it.

But if he were honest with himself he wouldn't be lying about the cost etc. He knows it is ridiculous, he just lies to himself to cover the shame.

Hes an addiction and addicts are totally selfish and protective of their habit.
My husband is the same. He would definitely choose fans over food if he had to choose. I fact I think he would smoke camel shit rolled up in used toilet paper if that's all he could get his hands on.

Yes it is a selfish addiction

I'm still not convinced how much of a choice it is.

If you can't live with it, give him a deadline and leave him. Or accept him as an adult human being. But pressuring him will make him smoke more, not less.

I agree with a previous poster you should check the account every week and take the same amount of money he is spending on fags and put it into your own separate account for you to spend on you, or on days out with the kids (and not with him!).

This is a frankly bizarre, counter productive and needlessly confrontational way of addressing it. How do you imagine this would pan out in real life with real people as opposed to coming at it as a keyboard warrior?

You want to encourage (not force, because controlling) your DH to give up an expensive and unhealthy habit. Based on the OP, shouting and having a go at him isn’t doing the trick, why would depriving the family of even more money then belligerently declaring that you will take the same money he spends on fags fix it?

@itcouldhave

I agree with a previous poster you should check the account every week and take the same amount of money he is spending on fags and put it into your own separate account for you to spend on you, or on days out with the kids (and not with him!).

This is a frankly bizarre, counter productive and needlessly confrontational way of addressing it. How do you imagine this would pan out in real life with real people as opposed to coming at it as a keyboard warrior?

You want to encourage (not force, because controlling) your DH to give up an expensive and unhealthy habit. Based on the OP, shouting and having a go at him isn’t doing the trick, why would depriving the family of even more money then belligerently declaring that you will take the same money he spends on fags fix it?

I would defo do this! It's only fair!

Needlessly confrontational her partner has left the home, because if this.... expecting equality of finances is not confrontational.

No one single smoker actually wants to smoke

I don't think that's true - I know smokers who genuinely love smoking and have no intentions of giving up. They're not afraid of failing, they simply don't want to do it.

It sounds like you have a simple choice, OP. Stay with an addict who is pissing away the family’s money on his addiction, while wrecking his health and role modelling this behaviour as normal to his children.
Or LTB.

@AnneLovesGilbert

He won’t quit unless he wants.

Too late now to say this should have been a deal breaker for a long time ago, certainly before ttc DC1.

So up to you what you do next. If you can’t live like this you’ll have to look at splitting up.

I wouldn’t bother with ultimatums either as he’s addicted and you can’t argue with that.

I'd put it as 'He can't quit unless he wants'.

I think you have two options

1. Put up with it and back off him.
2. Leave him

You have tried the talking to option and it’s not working.

How is your relationship other than this ?