My Hindu Boyfriend

serenstar89 · 2021-07-18T18:52:21+00:00

I am in a relationship with a guy I really like. His family are practicing Hindus. My family are not religious. This guy says he does class himself as Hindu but he is not as strict with his practice as his parents are. We've been together for 8 months now, we really get on and I would like it to continue. He reels me he feels the same way. However, by this point in past relationships I have usually introduced a boyfriend to my family and vice versa. He never really mentions his family and the few times I have (tentatively) brought up meeting them or suggested he meets mine he changes the subject quickly or makes some jokey comment to avoid answering seriously. This is the same for any mention of remotely serious future events really. In the future I would like to get married and have children with the right partner. Obviously we need to have a conversation some point but its quite difficult to bring up marriage after only 8 months together without sounding a bit intense. It's not something I would naturally do at this stage but I can't help wondering if religion or cultural differences might be playing a part in his reluctance here and I would like to know before I fall in love (might be a bit late [blush]). So I wondered if anyone else has been in my situation (or a similar one) who might have some experience I could benefit from?

Jesskir89 · 18/07/2021 20:03

Not a similar situation op but I would strongly suggest the future talk. After 8 months you do need to know if youre both on the same page etc. Does his family know about you?

Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 20:06

I am half Indian (my dads family are hindu) but we are not close anymore.

This is only my experience. So please don't take it, that this is what will happen.

But he won't introduce you. His family likely don't know you exist and they will think he is far more religious than you do. At some point there will be a breaking point where he will marry someone of the same religion or finally introduce you and marry you.

As I don't know his family, I can't say which it will be. But I would guess the former. I am guessing that he he doesn't talk about them much because he wants to keep you in the dark about anything about them and keep you separate.

But I, genuinely, could say 100%. What I would say is do not get pregnant, with him unless you get married.

Original poster

serenstar89 · 18/07/2021 20:07

Thanks for your reply. This is the thing, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I'm not even sure if they do know about me or not. There's a couple of pics of us together on sm so I assume at least some of his family (cousins etc) know, but I don't find it easy to ask directly as he's so evasive. Just need to grit my teeth and have the convo I guess

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Original poster

serenstar89 · 18/07/2021 20:10

@Whiskycav

I am half Indian (my dads family are hindu) but we are not close anymore.

This is only my experience. So please don't take it, that this is what will happen.

But he won't introduce you. His family likely don't know you exist and they will think he is far more religious than you do. At some point there will be a breaking point where he will marry someone of the same religion or finally introduce you and marry you.

As I don't know his family, I can't say which it will be. But I would guess the former. I am guessing that he he doesn't talk about them much because he wants to keep you in the dark about anything about them and keep you separate.

But I, genuinely, could say 100%. What I would say is do not get pregnant, with him unless you get married.

Thank you for being honest it's helpful to hear your point of view. Do you think the reason will be mainly related to the difference in religion then?

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fallfallfall · 18/07/2021 20:14

Is he the eldest? How many generations have lived in the UK? Any other family members married outside of their culture. Are the sisters allowed to date?
Maybe some of these indicators might help you assess the situation.

sergeilavrov · 18/07/2021 20:15

For what it’s worth, ensuring you’re on the same page in terms of life goals isn’t too intense. My DH was clear on our first date (when I was 90% sure I didn’t want to see him again!) that he wanted marriage and children, and the general timeline and approach he took. It actually granted a lot of clarity and I suspect meant he didn’t waste time pursuing things that wouldn’t work out for him on previous dates!

Definitely have the conversation. Not doing so costs time and anxiety on your part: better to have all the information.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/07/2021 20:16

No skin in this game but if you haven’t met his family yet, I really doubt you will. More so if he is determined to joke it away without discussion.

You need to have the talk.

You could be wasting your precious time on a man who has no intention of spending the rest of his time with you.

Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 20:19

Thank you for being honest it's helpful to hear your point of view. Do you think the reason will be mainly related to the difference in religion then?

Religion is likely to be major factor, yes. Occasionally, it could be skin colour (I obviously don't know your skin colour).

Is really difficult to comment further as MN love to puke on people talking about a group of people badly. Even when you are from that group.

But my fear here is that his Facebook friends have seen a photo. But if it's family members his own age they will also likely have relationships. In very religious families it can be very much a case of 'don't ask, don't tell'.

As in his family suspect he has a girlfriend, but he won't tell them outright. In which case he is likely to marry a girl of the religion.

The problem is that he could be genuine and telling you the truth as well. But, if I was betting money I would say, he is holding off introductions because he feel sit will cause problems with his family.

Original poster

serenstar89 · 18/07/2021 20:30

@sergeilavrov

For what it’s worth, ensuring you’re on the same page in terms of life goals isn’t too intense. My DH was clear on our first date (when I was 90% sure I didn’t want to see him again!) that he wanted marriage and children, and the general timeline and approach he took. It actually granted a lot of clarity and I suspect meant he didn’t waste time pursuing things that wouldn’t work out for him on previous dates!

Definitely have the conversation. Not doing so costs time and anxiety on your part: better to have all the information.

Thank you, you're right it is better to find out

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Original poster

serenstar89 · 18/07/2021 20:33

@Whiskycav

Thank you for being honest it's helpful to hear your point of view. Do you think the reason will be mainly related to the difference in religion then?

Religion is likely to be major factor, yes. Occasionally, it could be skin colour (I obviously don't know your skin colour).

Is really difficult to comment further as MN love to puke on people talking about a group of people badly. Even when you are from that group.

But my fear here is that his Facebook friends have seen a photo. But if it's family members his own age they will also likely have relationships. In very religious families it can be very much a case of 'don't ask, don't tell'.

As in his family suspect he has a girlfriend, but he won't tell them outright. In which case he is likely to marry a girl of the religion.

The problem is that he could be genuine and telling you the truth as well. But, if I was betting money I would say, he is holding off introductions because he feel sit will cause problems with his family.

I understand, that's the last thing I would want and thank you for your helpful comments so far.

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IHateFlies · 18/07/2021 20:40

In some Asian families, a boyfriend or girlfriend is introduced to the family when the relationship has become serious and marriage is on the cards.
I don’t know if that’s the case in your situation, but it’s worth having a chat about it.

GrumpyTerrier · 18/07/2021 20:56

Hi OP, Hindu here! Depending on how traditional his family are, there could be a couple of reasons for this.

It may be that he thinks/knows that his family won't approve. Many Hindus still do arranged or loosely arranged marriages, or their family at least would prefer they married within the community.

Or it might be that when he introduces a girl, it is as his future wife, so he wants to be sure before doing that.

So don't necessarily be down about it-- things with romance/dating/marriage can work very differently from some indian viewpoints.

I would just ask him again. Make sure he knows that you will (try to) understand even if he says he knows his family will never consent to you marrying or that it might be difficult so he wants to be sure-- or that he knows they will immediately assume you are marrying him and you are quite a new couple so he wants to wait. At least then you will know.

Bbub · 18/07/2021 21:02

Like a pp said, even if you were Hindu yourself it wouldn't be a rush to introduce to the folks straight away. I know 8 months is not straight away to some but in some Asian cultures, unless you're getting engaged, boyfriends and girlfriends wouldn't be discussed or introduced anyway.

I dated a Hindu guy who introduced me to his parents eventually (we weren't getting engaged or anything though), it just depends on the family situation.

I'd ask him outright "do your parents expect you to marry another Hindu?", and don't let him weasel out of it. if he's still evasive I'd be tempted to pull away. He may have no intention of this being long term and you'll end up hurt. Mixed marriages are more and more common, and I'll bet there's others in his wider family who have married "out" but it takes a lot of guts for someone to break the mould, and be the first one. He's probably avoiding thinking about it at this point.. But I know you just want to know if the rship has legs.

Sorry have rambled. Good luck OP.

Reallyreallyborednow · 18/07/2021 21:08

How would you feel about conversion to Hindu, if that’s what it took for marriage etc?

I agree with pp though. Ask. I’d be doing some stalking of his family members on sm though as well to get a general idea of their outlook

fedupwiththeguy · 19/07/2021 00:47

My friend has been dating an Hindu man for 6 years and he has not introduced her to his family yet. They live together and she has to hide and be quiet when he calls his family. She wanted to buy a house... she bought it on her own. She wants to have children... she is 39 and waiting. He is 26 so I guess in o rush.

R0tational · 19/07/2021 00:54

I am concerned about his evasiveness. Will this continue to be a problem with all serious conversations and how does thst make you feel? It seems like a power imbalance and quite unsettling?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2021 01:03

I highly suggest you make a deadline as for how long you will tolerate this. I think you would be extremely foolish to let this go longer than a year. You've wasted enough time already.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/07/2021 03:08

I'd ask him if his parents would accept you if you two got married some day. And if the answer is not 'absolutely' - then I would call it a day. Because would you really want marry into a family that don't accept you? Let alone bring kids into that. That would be a right shitshow.

Ask him. And at some point around the 18 month mark make sure to arrange a cafe/restaurant trip with him and his parents so you can get to know his family. If he says no or fobs you off with that, ditch him, because he either hasn't told them or doesn't consider you a serious partner.

Original poster

serenstar89 · 19/07/2021 07:16

Thank you everyone for your comments, seems to confirm it's likely to be due to cultural and possibly religious factors.

As much as it would hurt to end this relationship I definitely would if it would make life difficult for him, his family or me. I certainly wouldn't be up for hiding myself from his parents.

I will absolutely be having a chat with him again, as I need to know what the deal is.

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MsHedgehog · 22/07/2021 01:13

I know it’s hard to understand when you’re in that position, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. My heritage is from a more conservative and religious country, as is that of many of my friends. Whenever we’ve dated someone, and especially when they’re from a different background, we’ve had to keep it quiet from parents for a couple of reasons, namely that parents don’t understand that dating is needed to know whether you want to marry someone - they think you should only date the person you marry, so dating for a few months and splitting up is really scandalous!

If the person is from a different culture, that is a huge hurdle to overcome, so we have to be sure this person is the one before we deal with the drama that will follow.

My DH is white British, and he was a secret for two years before I told my family we had just started dating. DH really struggled with that, and it caused serious issues between us, but by doing things the way I knew would work with my family, my family are very supportive of us and treat him like another son.

So talk to this guy and understand what his intentions are. It could very well be that he tells you he wants to be with you but he’s not sure how his family will take it (that’s how I felt with DH at the 8 month mark!) and in that case it’s up to you whether you want to take that risk and see how it pans out, or just end it and move on.

Kittromney · 22/07/2021 05:54

I’m from an Asian ‘Hindu’ family. I’m 30, have had 3 serious long term relationships and have never introduced (or even mentioned) any of my bfs to my parents (the longest relationship was 8 years). It’s not because I’m not serious about them, it’s just the done thing that if you introduce someone, then you introduce them as your imminent spouse (I.e. you are engaged to marry in theft few months). Relationships which are not marriage are considered ‘cheap’ and ‘casual’ regardless of how serious they may be to you. His parents probably know their son is dating, but prefer to turn a blind eye until he introduces a future wife to them. Ask him about it.

cumulonimbus523 · 22/07/2021 06:47

Another Hindu here. Agree with PPs about cultural differences re. dating and marriage. I told my mum I was dating someone after 6 months of being with my boyfriend (but didn't introduce him). She asked if I was going to marry him and when I said I didn't know yet she said "well what's the point of even bothering with him then!" They finally met him 2 years in once we were pretty serious, though the constant hounding about when we were getting engaged started after about a year.

Having said that, you need to have a frank conversation with him as to what his reasons are. If it's something like PPs have described, then with open communication you may be able to navigate your way through. If however it's that his family is more conservative with their outlook than he is letting on, it could potentially be very difficult for you.

Pippoppap · 22/07/2021 13:45

I'm also a non religious person married to a Hindu. His family are quite traditional, he was expected to marry another Hindu, then got to his late 30s and their standards definitely dropped!

I definitely echo the idea that he might not want to introduce you until he knows he wants to marry you. You should definitely have 'the talk' to see what he thinks about it - if it's not that it's better to know now.

I would also say though to be sympathetic about where he is coming from - it's not the same as a relationship you may be used to where introducing to parents may not be as serious. He might also have to suffer some flack from his family if he wants to marry you and is steeling himself for it.

I know it's cheesey but The Big Sick for me was really similar to our relationship in its early days - watching it with DH showed that I hadn't been particularly sympathetic and slightly naive to where he was coming from. The guy in it is Pakistani I know, but I think there are some similarities.