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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I need to leave my alcoholic husband, but I don't know how. Please help me.

23 replies

Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 17:23

Some of you may have seen previous posts about him, but I'm at breaking point, emotionally, and physically. I've put up with this for 2 years, and I think my love for him has gone, he repulses me, but we've been together 25 years, he's all I've ever known, and I don't know how to cut that tie.

When he's not bingeing he's fine, not brilliant, but ok. He's been out of work for over 2 years, but got a brilliant new job 3 months ago. Unfortunately, one of his colleagues tested positive for Covid 3 weeks ago, and he was told to isolate, of course, a couple of days into it he reckoned he had symptoms and felt 'the illest he's ever felt in his life' he had tests, they were negative, he basically used it as an excuse to drink.
He hides it from me, is clearly completely drunk, but blatantly denies it.
He's due back in tomorrow, ( how he's still even got his job, I don't know, his isolation was only 10 days, but he's been telling his boss he has symptoms) but this evening he's clearly smashed again, and I'm terrified he won't go in, then he really will lose his job.
We both own the house, mortgage free, I don't want to leave my home, I grew up here, and I have cats. Where do I stand? Anybody been through similar?

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 18/07/2021 17:25

I think you need to speak to a solicitor op Flowers

Mamamamasaurus · 18/07/2021 17:27

No practical advice re house, divorce etc but I've been where you are. The binging. The denial. The lies. The constant knot of worry in your gut, not knowing what next.

The only reason I am still sane / alive (yes, seriously) is that I left. Was it easy? Nope. Was it worth it? Every damn second of gut wrenching heartache.

I wish you strength OP Flowers

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 17:31

Thanks tired.
@mamamamasaurus YES that's exactly how I feel, constant state of anxiety, constantly watching him to see if he is 'normal' I wake up with my stomach turning, it's awful. My mental health is terrible anyway, but this is finishing me off.
We've just had 2 months of him being sober and loving his job, I really thought it had fixed him. I just keep crying, I don't want my life to be like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 17:33

He was even hospitalised over a year ago for tonic clonic seizures

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 18/07/2021 17:37

Let this be the catalyst to get of his rollercoaster for good. Speak to a solicitor and go from there. You aren’t stuck, you have choices, which start with one step.

spinningspaniels · 18/07/2021 17:40

We all have a breaking point, OP. You can't spend the rest of your life on this knife edge, you need to have a level of calm and control to function.

His addiction isn't your problem to solve. It will take strength and courage, but you will find a way forward. I think legal advice and Al-Anon would be good starting points Flowers

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 17:46

That's it exactly. A knife edge. That's how it feels.

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 18/07/2021 17:48

Nothing can fix him, except himself.
He may well lose his job, you need to accept that.
Have you come across the 3Cs?
Whether you can come out of this in your home depends on so many factors and you need to discuss with a solicitor.
You do need to separate, it will feel so much better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2021 17:49

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a heavily drinking parent?.

The first step out is the hardest one to take because you have to do that on your own.

The only person here who could have fixed your H is his own self. He does not want to and uses you to keep drinking. His thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. His primary relationship is with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

It was never your job to fix him, not that you ever could have done this in any case. He has never wanted your help or support and where did all this thinking you could fix him at all come about?. That is codependency and its been highly damaging to you. You have been as caught up in his alcoholism as he is and you have certainly been his codependent partner, provoker and enabler.

Would urge you to get off the merry go around yourself and start divorce proceedings. Rebuild your life without him in it, you've been dragged down with him long enough. If you really do not want your life to be like this then you need to leave because if you stay you will be in for more of the same old shit. Do not furthermore get bogged down in your sunk costs; this is what the 25 years together and he is all you know comments are really all about. Contact Al-anon also as they are very good re people affected by another person's drinking. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not started yet and it won't as long as you and he still cling onto each other.

HappyintheHills · 18/07/2021 17:49

And well done for having decided to leave.

0DETTE · 18/07/2021 17:49

YY. Al Anon and a solicitor .

You are fortunate that you have equity in your house and a good job.

Do you have friends / family / colleagues who will be supportive ?

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 18:10

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a heavily drinking parent?.

No, my parents had and have a VERY close relationship, the sunk thing is interesting, I'd not heard of it before, I've just googled it.
You're also spot on with the co dependency

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 18:11

ODETTE I have my parents and my adult son who will help me. My daughter 17 won't have anything to do with me, she's too angry, rightly so :( I also don't work due to my mental health

OP posts:
0DETTE · 18/07/2021 18:44

I’m glad you have close family to help you.

17 is a difficult age, perhaps she will come round in time.

I’m pretty sure that your mental health will improve when you are no longer living with addiction. Al Anon will help more than you can imagine although it can be hard working through your own issues.

pointythings · 18/07/2021 19:31

I think your DD will come round in time, if you leave your husband. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is incredibly hard. I stayed with my alcoholic too long - co-dependent and afraid that breaking up the family would damage my DDs. All the while, living their dad was damaging them.

The first thing to do is get support for yourself. It will give you the strength to do what is necessary. here is a list of organisations you may find helpful. Your DC will find NACOA very helpful.

You may have to accept that your house is a goner and that you will have to sell. Console yourself with the prospect of a life without that anxiety about what you're coming home to, how bad your husband will be, how much worse it's going to get. Life without an alcoholic in it is amazing - I speak from experience.

I hope you find your strength and manage to get away so you can start mending your relationship with your DD.

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 20:21

Thanks so much for answers. I need to be stronger. I need strength to cut this tie, I know I need to do it. My heart is just shattered tho

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/07/2021 20:28

It is heartbreaking. That's why I suggested you get help for yourself first. By joining a support group, you will learn that you are not alone and you will be able to take advice from people who are further along the road than you are. Attending a group gave me the strength to take some really difficult decisions - not just divorcing him, that one was easy, but making him leave our home because of the impact his behaviour had on our DDs, pushing him to hurry up his house search and finally calling the police on him when he threatened to kill me and then not letting him back. You can't underestimate the power of support from your peers.

Meanwhile, feel free to pm me. I have been there and done that. Any advice I give you will be hard core and you may not like it, but it will be the truth.

0DETTE · 18/07/2021 20:33

That’s a very kind and generous offer @pointythings.

pointythings · 18/07/2021 20:34

@0DETTE

That’s a very kind and generous offer *@pointythings*.
OP won't be the first I've supported through this, nor the last. It's all about paying it forward.
Downton57 · 18/07/2021 20:45

Stop worrying about him losing his job, as he is going to lose it at some point and the consequences will be his to deal with. You need to take the focus off trying to save him and just concentrate on sorting practical things out for your future and repairing your relationship with your DD. Phone a solicitor tomorrow and get the ball rolling. You'll feel so much better. And ignore all emotional blackmail. He won't drink because you've left. He'll drink because he's an alcoholic.

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 20:57

Pointything, I'm very grateful for that offer, I'll pm you tomorrow, thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 18/07/2021 20:58

Downton I'm loving the end of that message, I'll make it my mantra

OP posts:
fedup078 · 18/07/2021 21:00

I've been here too op and life is a lot less stressful not having to worry about how drunk he may or may not be at any given time of day

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