My husband is lazy, I'm exhausted!

[LostMum18]

Hi ladies I'm really stuck and I don't know what to do.
I wan't to leave my husband and I'll explain why, we've been together for 8 years and have 2 children under 5. I work fulltime (nights) and my husband works part time mornings. He sets off for work early meaning I get just 2-3 hours sleep each day. When he is at work I am expected to do all of the washing and housework all whilst looking after our youngest (he does help cook). As I am the main earner I pay all of the bills including the Mortgage. He claims there is no his/my money (we still have separate bank accounts) and he judge's my spending. Every day I am exhausted, he gets moody when I'm too tired or not in the mood for sex. Over time all of this has made me resent him. Although I still love him dearly I just feel I deserve better.
I have tried to have these conversations with him time and time again, and he may help out a little more for a short while but that doesn't last long. I guess this is just who he is. He spends all day sat on his phone and doesn't do anything that I ask (he "forgets") I am so Drained, physically and emotionally. What should I do ladies?

Jesus woman, stay in your bed, get a decent amount of sleep. That's psychological torture.

When you can think straight, sort things out...

Oh, the even shorter answer, is tell him to fack off somewhere.

Refusing to help you, while watching you exhausted mentally and physically from doing everything….is actually a form of abuse.
I didn’t realise this until recently. I thought it was just typical male laziness. But no, it’s actually abuse.
Your health and vitality are suffering and does he care? He’s choosing to do this to you.

Tell the cocklodging lazy sex pest to fuck off! I'm serious. Apart from donating sperm and being their while the dc sleep what actual good is he? What exactly do you love about him? his supportive, caring nature? The fact he is a full partner in your life? The fact he is a great father who interacts and cares for his children equally? He's none of those things. He's a 100% arse!

He offers no benefit to your life whatsoever. What a fucking useless creep. Get rid of him and you'll be so much happier.

You pay ALL the bills including the mortgage...what does HE pay for? Ask him how he thinks this is fair, or just see a solicitor and get rid of this stingy, entitled lazy waste of time.

So leave?

Why have you created a pattern where you do more work and more housework and more childcare and you pay for everything and for some reason you also don’t sleep? And you’re made to feel guilty for also not being ready for sex at any given moment?

And then you’ve ‘tried’ talking to him about it?
No.
There’s no ‘attempt’ at discussion about this, there’s literally no world where this is acceptable.

You tell him what’s changing. If he doesn’t do it, you go.

You’re paying for everything and doing everything as it is? What difference does it make? At least you may get a break from childcare if he takes the kid’s every other weekend post divorce and you don’t have to live with someone who clearly doesn’t give a shite about your well-being, whilst they nag you for sex.

I'm sorry. There is absolutely nothing loveable about him AT ALL.

Get yourself to a solicitor and start taking steps to getting him out

I'm not seeing you get anything from this relationship

You can't survive on 2-3 hours sleep! You'll do yourself real damage.

You need childcare - your husband can drop the kids off while you sleep

What is there to love about this man?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Divorce him and rebuild your life without him in it.

Ltb, honestly you will be better off

Thank you ladies. I guess I love how he was before we had children, it's the memories I'm clinging on to. I have always been the higher earner so it made more sense for me to continue to work fulltime whilst he dropped to part time. Since this is when he got lazy. Not helping around the house etc. He doesn't get how hard it all is for me, I've suggested I drop to part time whilst he goes back to work fulltime for a while but he refuses because Financially we'll be worse off. He currently pays for the food shopping. I can't afford childcare for my youngest as there's only so far my earnings will stretch and obviously he doesn't earn enough either. If I leave him he'll have no-where to go, he has no money. The children will have to stay with me and I won't be able to work. Then what do I do?

Where he goes is not your problem. Perhaps he should have considered the consequences for treating his wife like utter shit. I couldn't possibly muster up an bit of sympathy for him.

Get rid of those memories, get your act together and get your life back together without this loser.

It is important that you keep your job. You have to consider how you will cover childcare if your dh was not around. Currently, how much do you depend on your dh to look after the children and how will you cover that?

If you did not have to pay for your dh, do you save enough for childcare? Can you wait until your youngest is a little older - your older one may be in school and the childcare costs for the younger one a little lower.

Can you live near your family. Since you work nights, you are theoretically in during a part of the day. Obviously you need your sleep and much more than you are now getting.

Blueshoes, my family live 200 miles away so without quitting my job moving closer isn't an option :( we do have a spare room so I suppose dh could stay there whilst he sorts his shit out.

Thank you all for your support, it's great to know that I'm not being unreasonable for wanting to leave and to know it's not normal to be treated this way. I guess it's just hard to see when you've been in the same routine for such a long time. What probably isn't normal just seems to 'feel' normal

As he is currently your night-time babysitter whist you work, you will need savings to cover 2-3 months worth of bills before you tell him to leave. This will cover the mortgage whilst you leave your job and get a day-time job.
Sorry but working nights when you have children is only viable when you have a fully supportive partner, so you will have to change hours and/or jobs. You cannot carry on working nights - even if you got a night-time child carer, who would look after the children in the day whilst you get your (essential) 8 hours sleep?

Alternatively, bite the bullet: kick him out, stop working immediately, and let the mortgage go into arrears pending sale of the property. Perhaps going off sick might be an option to tide you over before you hand in your resignation? Do you have holiday pay owing?

In the long term, you may need to sell your current property anyway if you can't afford the mortgage plus childcare.

Please take action ASAP, before you make yourself really ill.

I will probably be flamed for this but just want to throw this out there. Since family is too far to move to, you need to find live-in childcare. If you have an extra bedroom in your house and your children are closer in age to 5/school age, then a live-in aupair is a possibility.

I appreciate an aupair is not always a realistic solution.

I think it's the right time to speak up on lazy husband, it's so tiring.

It's depressing how nobody seems to work at marriages anymore. The most trivial little things seem to justify divorce these days. Difficulties communicating walk away. Ill health walk away. Doesn't earn enough walk away. Has a hobby I don't like walk away. Doesn't change the bedding enough walk away. Wants sex more than once every 5 years walk away. Everyone seems to forget they didn't conceive all by themselves. Are men just sperm donors to shag then dump a few years later now? Jeez it's depressing. It's like people just repeat marriage vows back to the vicar with their fingers crossed behind their backs or something. Why doesn't anyone take marriage seriously anymore? It's not just a big get together for a good party.

I find it hard to believe that you are only sleeping for 2/3 hours a night.
Any normal person would cease to function after 10 to 12 days of this.

Zombie thread