Trial seperation... calling time on the marriage

[Mynameisbetter]

Married 5y currently going through a trial seperation with my OH. We have had hardly any contact for 3 weeks apart from child care arrangements. They stayed in the family house with our child and I moved in with my sister.

I was totally against this at first and absolutely devestated by it. As time has gone on I have gone through heartbreak through to resentment and anger about being put in this position to now feeling more and more that I was not really getting much out of the relationship recently and that my OH has turned into not a very nice person recently.

I've moved from thinking about my OH all the time... wondering what they are doing and how I could save things to thinking more about the possibilities and potential of a new life outside this marriage.

I have asked my OH their thoughts on how things are going but it is like getting blood from a stone.

I desperately wanted things to work out. Now, I'm not so sure. Anyone have experience of this? I'm just sick of being in limbo.

It's not at all uncommon for the one instigating a separation to regret it, and the other partner to grow in insight, strength and confidence.

Can't imagine how the last few weeks have been, but keep on your path...sounds like you're going somewhere and he is a bit lost.

Who suggested separation and why? What is not working? Is it fixable?

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step by Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship is a good book about this, and goes through numerous causes and eventualities chapter by chapter so that you can make your mind up in a more structured way.

I think the longer the lack of contact goes on for, the less inclined you will be to care, which is what you are discovering.

If your OH suggested that the separation is not what they want, what would your response be?

I think for me, although it’s a trail separation, I would have wanted to be “checked in on” by now. Three weeks is a really long time.

Have you not felt able to contact, or was that a boundary that was discussed?

It’s hard to answer without more info. Has the relationship generally been happy? What was the reason for the separation? I think the best thing to do would be to carry on as you are for now and see how you feel in a few more weeks/months. It seems that after the initial shock you’ve now realised that you could be happier apart.

OH suggested it. They had raised their unhapiness a couple of months before which lead to me being a bit clingy in an attempt to fix things and fear of losing them. This only made things worse.

What were they unhappy with though? If it’s something small that can be worked on then it’s worth trying again rather than breaking up with family. If it’s something irreparable then obviously it’s best to stay apart

Would you both consider relationship counselling? It would give you both some neutral ground to discuss the difficulties in the relationship. Give you both some perspective.

As a woman I would never leave my kids.

She isn't leaving her kids. She is sharing custody.

It’s probably a man since they are avoiding he/she for their OH

@DamnShesaSexyChick

It’s probably a man since they are avoiding he/she for their OH

I was thinking the opposite, as a man leaving the family home is pretty standard. I was wondering if the op was female but didn’t want to say that in case she was judged for leaving the kids. Could be talking out of my arse tho

Sounds like you might be mentally moving on. It might be worth talking about things or even having some counselling together. But the window for this might be closing, from your point of view. If your OH refuses to talk about things then it doesn't leave you with many options. You can keep trying, or set a deadline in your mind. You can't wait around indefinitely.