Hi, if you're not seeing any real life change with therapy, I would have a think about getting a new one. You could contact the BACP helpline 01455 883300 for a chat about it.
Your pattern doesn't just cover your ex, it covers your brother. That's a sign of codependence but at heart, co dependence is about power. If you think about it, when you're the one fixing others, taking care of others, putting others first - it achieves several things.
- You don't have to look at yourself or focus on yourself. Your sole focus is others.
- You're the one in control. You're the one managing others and their lives.
- Self esteem is gained through being 'needed'.
- You are the 'good' one, you are the 'martyr', you are the once sacrificing yourself for others.
The Karpman triangle is an unhealthy dynamic in relationship and, if you think about the relationships where you have put your own needs aside and 'rescued' others, you'll see how caught up in the dynamic you are. You want to get to a place of 'I'm OK, you're OK'. When you're caught up in the triangle, the dynamic is 'I'm OK, you're not Ok.' This is power at play, I'm OK (I'm your sister, I'm taking care of you, I'm doing my best, I'm sacrificing myself for you...) - You're not OK (You're an addict, you're a mess, look at yourself, you're inferior...)
Transactional analysis looks at the games people play in relationships. Take a look at the book as it's really interesting: Games People Play by Eric Berne.
Check out the four life positions, developed by Frank Ernst:
southcottpsychotherapy.co.uk/transactional-analysis-life-positions/#:~:text=I'm%20OK%E2%80%94You're%20not%20OK%20is%20occupied,'re%20not%20OK%E2%80%9D).
The triangle moves around, so you don't always remain in the same place.
Victim
Persecutor
Rescuer
At the moment, you're the victim, - poor me, I'm beaten down, I've sacrificed for others, done everything I can and look where it's got me. Sometimes you're the rescuer (which is where you may feel most comfortable), rescuers feel resentment towards those they are helping as they sacrifice their own needs for others. They tend to be co dependent and enablers. Persecutors tend to be authoritarian and unpleasant in order to mask their fear of becoming the victim.
You can read more about it here: lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/
Whenever you find yourself caught in a pattern, reflect on what YOU are getting out of it. Let's take your brother for example.
Brother - bum, loser, addict, mess, irresponsible, immature, dependent...
You - the 'good' one, the martyr, the responsible one, the one people rely on, the 'rock'.
Quite the pay off in terms of status in the family and self esteem. Cookies for YOU. On the surface, you were doing your best, trying to help someone you loved but there are other motivations at play here. The point of reflection on this, is not for me to persecute you and point the finger, it's for you to reflect on your behaviour and make some changes in order to improve your relationships. That's the work.
It sounds as though your therapist is of the tea and biscuits kind and isn't challenging you enough. If you want to make changes and get out of these patterns then you need to focus on what is motivating you to make these choices.
You need to stay away from relationships until you are making healthier choices for yourself (although there is a counter argument that you can make changes through relationships). The most important thing in therapy is not the type of therapy you have, but your relationship with your therapist as that's how you learn and grow.