'Your dad spent Xmas alone' and various boll*x from stepmum+possible gaslighting

[me4real]

I was going to write a longwinded thing but basically that. My mum and dad split up when I was about 18 and my sister was 16. I'm 44 now and my dad's been married to my stepmum for about 11 years, since my early/mid 30s. We had no problems with the idea of having a stepmum and she was nice as pie before they married.

I was staying there a while back for a couple of nights and she drunkenly stormed up to the room I was staying in and went on about how our dad used to spend Xmas alone (he spent it with his side of the family, whereas our mum genuinely didn't really have anyone to spend it with reliably except us, which it why we spend it with her- he was already spending it with other people.) He chose to move 150 miles away from us to live near his sister, or maybe we could've seen them both on the day sometimes. It's only recently I realized that his choice to move down there effected the things he supposedly moans about such as us not seeeing him much etc.

She also said that I never tell him about my life. I just wouldn't tell my dad stuff in case it made him worry (they claim he worries anyway but for all I know he could worry more if he knew what was going on; not that there's usually much drama in my life anyway) and we were never a communicative family. He's quite a reserved person. If there is anything going on in my life I might talk to my mum about it nowadays, but it would just be stuff like my relationships, which I think a lot of women wouldn't tend to talk to their dad about in any detail.

Anyway, 18 months on and I finally replied to her in more detail with these details above. We were never a family that argued and so I've never been good at handling confrontation or anything in the immediate moment; it's like I'm struck dumb- I can know exactly what I want to/should say but don't.

I'm talking to her about it now as I'm maybe a bit closer to her as we share similar opinions about current affairs etc.

But I think she's trying to deny what she did entirely, IDK.

Just letting off steam really.

You're fine to answer her points. It's likely she was emotional with the drink anyway and had only heard the 'poor me' story from your dad. You'd have been equally at liberty to tell her just there's two sides to every story and to wind her neck in.

Sounds like he was hurt but having less contact with you but that he also had a part to play in what happened with moving away and you were barely an adult.

I think it’s healthy for you each to hear each other’s experiences. Unless there was abuse, usually these things are complex and no one person has the whole picture. Perhaps for example he didn’t think about how moving away would feel for you or change the likelihood of seeing you. On the other hand maybe he had to move away to a cheaper aware for financial reasons? Dialogue is good and could even bring you closer.

Not sure your SM as the go between is a good situation for any of you. So cut out the middle man and chat to your dad directly.

I’m guessing she had too much to drink and having heard your dad’s side of things, felt you maybe needed to hear it as well.

People can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely. Just because he had people to spend Christmas with, doesn’t mean he felt hurt you didn’t spend it with him.

Unless there was abuse

@Topofthepopicles He was occasionally mildly abusive and also had an explosive temper, but I didn't want to write the long-winded thing I started writing the first time.

Also things like 'he spent christmas alone' are objectively inaccurate, that didn't happen.

I think the only reason he would've moved down South was because his sis and best mate were there. I won't give the proper towns but think for instance he moved to 'Witham' (commutery Essex) whereas we lived in Tamworth (slightly northern/midlands industrial town.) So I think it probably costs more to live there really. I only thought about the impact of his choice to live there on the ways things turn out and the things he (I hear!) moans about, fairly recently. I don't think he did think it through any further than wanting family around.

Just because he had people to spend Christmas with, doesn’t mean he felt hurt you didn’t spend it with him.

@BlueSurfer The reason we didn't spend it with him is mostly that our mum might've spent it genuinely entirely alone then, so it wasn't an option as far as we were concerned.

It's likely she was emotional with the drink anyway and had only heard the 'poor me' story from your dad. You'd have been equally at liberty to tell her just there's two sides to every story and to wind her neck in.

@Whatonearth07957 Yes, I've thought that recently, that maybe he sort of lied about this when they were first dating? So it's kind-of not her fault if that's the case. I can see that I might do the same in her shoes then. Or maybe it was just hyperbole from her. But yes, she doesn't know anything about our childhood or anything (except whatever she's been told- probably not what he was like.)

He didn't do any sort of work that living nearer London wouuld've helped with or anything.