Should I be angry?

[Leemay32]

Is keeping a secret from your partner different from lying?

I am 34 and my partner is 54 we have been together on and off for the past 13 years.

On Monday I was looking for some documents when I stumbled across my S/O bank statements. I realised he was transferring money to a particular female 3 or 4 times between ending May-June. On the bank statement I realised he borrowed money from me and transferred to her two days later. I held it in for several days then asked him if he knew someone by the name of Laura name changed. He said he knows several person by that name. Then I said the full name “Laura Brown”! He looked at me and said “why what happened, where did you get that name from and why are asking about her. Yes I know someone with that name” We had to change the conversation because our 9yo entered the room.

Whilst he was as dropping me to work I brought the topic up again. He seemed more interested in where I got the name from he later said “yes I use to sleep with her many years ago but we aren’t together” I could sense there was more to it so I pressed for more information. I asked him why are you sending her money? He asked how did I know he was sending money to her then later said she called me and begged for some cash and he transferred it and that it was only a one off. I asked him if they had a child together or if she claimed he is the father of any of her children. That’s when the deep sigh came and he said “14 years ago she had a baby but I don’t think it’s mine however the child is registered in my name but I simply don’t feel any connection with the child” I was heartbroken and hurt it’s like history repeating itself 2-3 months ago he casually told me another woman told him her child was his the child is about 15yo (no DNA done). He’s keep telling me that I should let the past stay in the past because we are now a family and he isn’t interested in the women. I am upset heartbroken that he hid this from me then have the nerves to say I always judge him and he can’t tell me anything. As a mother I wouldn’t want to know that these children are his and he isn’t living up to his responsibilities because no children should grow up without their parents if they are alive.

His son passed away 4 weeks ago in a car accident and this is his second child that died in 2 years. I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday however he is begging me to stay and also support him because the funeral will be in 3 weeks time. I have had enough because he cheated on me and left me for another woman then he made he disrespected me. He later found out she was sleeping with someone else and begged me to take him back. I was foolish to🙁 I really don’t know what to do. I am just sick and tired of his behaviour and way of thinking as he thinks he done nothing wrong. I believe I have all rights to be upset. We have a 9yo he moved in with me. Please give advise on how you would handle the situation.

You have all rights to be upset regardless of what anyone else thinks. You don't have to convince anyone else what your own feelings are and that they are acceptable.

I understand this is your life, but it reads like an Eastenders storyline. Sounds like an awful amount of drama and hurt.

Initial thoughts, is he lying about the children passing so you don't 'nag' about him not doing enough?
Why only 4 payments in recent months for a child he has known since birth?
Why is he involved in a funeral for a child he has had zero contact with?
He had to be present to sign the birth certificate, so why would he do that believing it wasn't his?

You deserve better, and you need to seriously consider what kind of message it gives to your own child that their father can behave in such a dispicible way.

End it and send a strong message to your child that their mother deserves respect. You will teach your child to have strong boundaries on how they should be treated in life.

Could easily fit in with the Mitchell’s lol. T son that passed I knew him quite well. The woman on the bank statement “has a supposedly has child with him”. I had no idea about this child.

I'm a bit confused about what's going on here.

You have a nine year old that's move in with you. I assume that's one of his many children from some other relationship.

He's lost two children.

He has two children with other women that he is not in contact with.

How many children does this man have? Do you have any children with him?

He sounds like a complete tool OP. He has affairs, has secret children, lies and is twenty years older than you and still that's not enough for this moron. By the way, since he evidently doesn't use condoms, make sure you get tested as he's obviously been cheating on you.

You're well aware that you shouldn't have take him back as he very evidently, can't keep it in his pants. (Wondering if it's Boris) You need to finish the relationship OP and work on why you don't deserve anything better than this.

You were 21 targeted by a 41 year old who has dragged you along in a toxic, controlling relationship for 13 years.

Was he your first adult relationship?

Regardless, I think you might benefit from doing the Freedom Programme course and/or having therapy to help you understand what a healthy relationship should look like and how someone who loved and respected you would behave.

Do you want to waste the rest of your life in this toxic cycle?

Does your 9yo deserve to grow up surrounded by toxicity thinking this is normal behaviour? No.

Should I be angry

There are no 'shoulds' with emotions. A 'should' would suggest that the emotion can be controlled. Emotions can't be controlled. Otherwise we would all choose who we fall in love with, and we'd make ourselves love the gym.

With any emotion in a relationship, all you have to do is calmly state it. 'When you do x, I feel angry/upset/irritated/sad/anything'
Then you watch to see if they keep doing it. If they do, then that behaviour is more important to them than respecting you and your feelings.

Don't question your feelings. They are pure, pure, pure you. Disrespecting 'pure you', is a surefire way to... well, Eastenders-style stuff.

Love, if I'm reading this right, you were 21 when you first got together and he was 41. It's been on and off through 13 years - your whole adult life - with all these secrets and lies (who cares what the difference is?? This is your LIFE, not dictionary definitions, and you've been kept in a bubble of unreality by the man who should be honest with you). Absolutely you should be angry, but you should also be over it and get practical and get rid. You have your home and your child and you really don't need all his shit to deal with. You can start afresh and live a life free of affairs and secret love children and your money being hived off to fund strangers' offspring with this man who has zero moral fibre. Leave him to deal with his 54 years of messy shagging, shoddy parenting and deceitful relationships. You deserve better so go get it!

So many worries here.

Having one person claim he's the father of their child is unusual, having two starts to sound like he's made a habit of leaving women while pregnant, or at least had a LOT of short term girlfriends and been careless.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who isn't interested in his children.

Then on top of that, he hasn't told you any of this. He's paid money (that you loaned him!) to another woman and not told you about it. He may have other children out there and he hasn't told you about it. He asks you to leave it in the past - but it isn't in the past. He potentially has children, now, who he has shown no interest in.

It's tragic that he has lost children. Noone deserves that. But please don't stay with him out of some sort of guilt. That wouldn't be a healthy relationship. And I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again, as he thinks it's OK to lie to you / not tell you vitally important things from his life / to ignore his children.