Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if the issue is me or not

12 replies

IseeitIwantIt · 17/07/2021 09:51

Sorry this is probably going to be long.I have been with my Oh for 12 years now, and a lot has happened in that time. He has had several affairs and has been emotionally abusive,and I really thought I could forgive him,but as time as going on the wounds are still very raw. In other ways he is the perfect partner now and he has changed a hell of a lot since the last affair ended nearly 3 years ago. He ended that final affair because I attempted suicide because of all the stress and since then he has become my biggest support.
However I feel that I will not be able to get over it at all, even though I previously said to him I would. To me it just still feels so toxic in the background.I just don't know what to do tbh. I personally feel that we should just go our separate ways now.I am not going to change the way I feel, he has said and done too much in the past.However when it comes down to it,he always guilts me into changing my mind.When it all first started I will admit that I was mentally a mess and probably would have agreed to anything for a quite life.But the past year I am mentally a million times stronger than I was.I have no idea what the point of the post is I just needed to get it out there.Ending it is not going to be easy,any tips to try and make it a little bit easier?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 17/07/2021 09:56

Well the best tip I can give you is not to discuss it at all with him. Just start planning. Then when you're ready, just end it. The question is though...how are your finances and living arrangements? What's the housing situation? Any kids?

Original poster
IseeitIwantIt · 17/07/2021 10:05

@FortunesFave

Well the best tip I can give you is not to discuss it at all with him. Just start planning. Then when you're ready, just end it. The question is though...how are your finances and living arrangements? What's the housing situation? Any kids?
The house is In my name and we have 3 kids between us 16,13 and 11. I have my own business,which is doing very well,so financially We would be ok. I think you are right I should stop trying to have conversations with him about it.He always just accuses me of living in the past and as it was 3 years ago I should just move on.But it doesn't work like that l.
OP posts:
litterbird · 17/07/2021 10:10

Agreed, do not speak one more word to him about it. The relationship was over from the first affair. Just make sure you are mentally ready to leave. Have support from all around you and maybe a professional therapist to unravel the wounds and support you in the feelings that will rise in you when you leave. These are the difficult feelings which result in women returning to their abusers. If you can break that chain you will be free.

FortunesFave · 17/07/2021 10:14

Is the house bought or rented? Do you think he will kick up a fuss about leaving? Or will he leave if you tell him to?

Original poster
IseeitIwantIt · 17/07/2021 10:30

@litterbird

Agreed, do not speak one more word to him about it. The relationship was over from the first affair. Just make sure you are mentally ready to leave. Have support from all around you and maybe a professional therapist to unravel the wounds and support you in the feelings that will rise in you when you leave. These are the difficult feelings which result in women returning to their abusers. If you can break that chain you will be free.
Thank you. You are so right it was over then. It has been just going around in the same old cycle. I have been seeing a counsellor for a little while who has really helped and I can see for as long as I need.
OP posts:
Original poster
IseeitIwantIt · 17/07/2021 10:36

@FortunesFave

Is the house bought or rented? Do you think he will kick up a fuss about leaving? Or will he leave if you tell him to?
It's housing association rented and I pay the rent he just pays towards utilities at the moment and shopping etc. He has been furloughed so over the last year I have taken on the lions share.I don't think he would once he realises it's over,he has left before but crept his way back in.it's just getting to that point. He will try and creep back in I just have to ensure I am strong enough to say no.
OP posts:
FortunesFave · 17/07/2021 11:16

That's great that it's HA....get shut of him asap. You can be much happier by the sound of it.

FinallyHere · 17/07/2021 11:39

He always just accuses me of living in the past and as it was 3 years ago I should just move on.But it doesn't work like that l.

He has a bit of a cheek, doesn't he.

I agree with PP, stop talking to him about it. He thinks he can get round you, no matter what he does, and would should just get over it. Make you plan, surprise him and get rid.

No one should get to treat you like that.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/07/2021 11:57

Keep seeing your counsellor because they are giving you more strength to do what is right for you.

Well done for having your own business.

You will be much more yourself when you get to the next stage without him and have had time to heal.🌺🌷🌸

layladomino · 17/07/2021 13:10

Well done you for getting stronger, and for realising that you aren't willing to put up with him anymore. Well done on your business success as well.

You don't need him at all do you? And he's just an unpleasant person who's had numerous affairs and been emotionally absuive - the cheek of him to try to guilt-trip you in to staying! The only one who should feel any guilt is him. He has caused the current situation by treating you so badly. You are responding to it, a little delayed, because you weren't strong enough before. But now you're strong, and you are doing the right thing.

Be proud of yourself. You will be so much happier without him.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/07/2021 14:23

“Layladomino
He has caused the current situation by treating you so badly. You are responding to it, a little delayed, because you weren't strong enough before”

That point hits the nail on the head Layla.

Original poster
IseeitIwantIt · 18/07/2021 13:54

Thank you everyone for you replies ThanksThanks
It's definitely over for good.I told him last night that it was and that it was not up for discussion. He left this morning and all numbers are blocked, for now. Obviously I will have to talk to him at some point for the kids, but they can contact him themselves at the moment. I just need a few days space

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page