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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mens sex drive after 50...

26 replies

Lan2020 · 17/07/2021 09:35

So, I was going to post this on the 'sex Board' but there is no option to post.

I was just curious, mostly if you're a man but experience from women who have any insight is also appreciated.

So, I know literature generally states that after 50 a man's sex drive starts to decrease but I'm wondering what peoples experiences are. If you're a man (or with a man) after 50, have you found desire in sex has declined? What about frequency?

The reason I ask is because I'm a 33 year old woman in relationship with a 51 year old man (been together 4 years and have a child). Generally have sex around 4 times a week, can be a bit more or less depending on illness/tiredness (have a 2 year old that doesn't always sleep well).
In the past he made a comment that he'd be happy with sex twice a week but we have always had sex more frequently. I'm someone who is very insecure. If we go more than 2 days without having sex I actually start to feel low and worry he doesn't want or love me. It's not even about me wanting or desiring sex. I don't actually need to enjoy it but I feel I need to do it, otherwise I worry he will want someone else. I want to make it clear he has never, ever made me feel that I have to have sex with him, so this issue comes from me not him.
I think I'm worrying that as he gets older, his desire may reduce and I may interpret this as lack of interest in me.

OP posts:
OomphRidden · 17/07/2021 09:54

Everyone is different OP. My DP is 52 and is up for sex all the time, but he always has been. My XH always had a lower sex drive.

You sound horribly insecure. It's not fair to make him 'perform' for you just to reassure you.

Original poster
Lan2020 · 17/07/2021 10:11

@OomphRidden thank you, yes I appreciate there will be individual differences and I know there will be 20 year olds with no interest in sex and 60 year olds who want sex every day.

Sorry, I should have made it clear...I NEVER make him perform or pressure him to have sex, ever! I've never said we need to have frequent sex or I'm insecure. Also, I pretty much always let him initiate (because he has a bad back and I don't want him to feel he has to have sex to please me).

OP posts:
Hanger0n · 17/07/2021 10:19

But the point you are missing is that he might 'feel' under pressure to perform regardless if you 'make' him perform. He's already told you he'd be happy to do it just twice a week. That's a pretty big clue he may be doing it more often to keep you happy.

litterbird · 17/07/2021 10:23

Have you spoken to him about this? I think it maybe time to just let it all out to him and open up about your insecurities. In my experience when I was single from the age 50, I had some encounters with men in their 50s and 60s who had terrible problems with ED. My current partner is completely the opposite, he is mid 50s and has the sex drive of a teenager. Thankfully our drives match. If your partner is initiating and there is no pressure your end then bobs your uncle its all ok. He may slow down in his late 50s and 60s. Can you go and seek therapy to unravel why you feel you have to have sex to feel secure?

Dillydollydingdong · 17/07/2021 10:27

His sex drive is likely to reduce as he gets older. My dp is 69 and he's really not able to dtd any more Shock

GidgetGirl · 17/07/2021 10:41

It varies massively. My partner is considerably older than me - 61 - and would have sex twice a day every day given the opportunity. It’s currently 5 or 6 times a week on average.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 17/07/2021 10:44

I'm a 57 year old woman and have dated a fair bit. The men I dated who were over 50 all had strong sex drives - several times a day if we could. But I don't think it's about age, lots of people are happy with once a week.

BG21031 · 17/07/2021 10:48

At least you have identified the issue OP.

If you love him, you have time to flick that switch in your mind before the relationship fails. When you kid is older and you get your mojo back and he is older and less interested in sexual intimacy, what will happen then? Will you feel so insecure you run into the arms of a work colleague, the local builder or your neighbour three doors down.

You have the information so just use it.

Sundancerintherain · 17/07/2021 10:51

Mine is 10 years older than me ( so mid 60's ), no decline at all.

Wherearemymarbles · 17/07/2021 12:08

Rather than worry about his libido, you should work on your reaction to it.

Everyone’s libido is different.

Wombat36 · 17/07/2021 12:11

You'd not cope with my DH...

Definitely think about sorting your anxiety.

Nonmaquillee · 17/07/2021 12:12

Why are you framing your insecurity as a potential problem with his libido? Poor man. You need therapy to explore this.

TrueRefuge · 17/07/2021 13:13

Yeh, this is not about libido. You need to explore why your self-worth is so tied up with your sexuality. It cannot be healthy for you to feel that way, and he must feel like a performing monkey who has to do it just to keep you happy. Seriously, for both of you, do some work on yourself and explore this part of yourself.

Original poster
Lan2020 · 17/07/2021 13:40

Firstly, I'm not saying he has an issue with his libido nor stating that it's an issue. I'm thinking more about the future and how things may hypothetically change.

We were having a casual discussion about sex once and he kind of jokingly mentioned being happy with twice a week. He will often initiate sex and I will actually say I'm tired and want to sleep etc. So I'm in no way pressuring him. He's also said he would like me to intitiate more. In fact, I often try and put him off to ensure he doesn't feel we have to have sex. However he's very tactile and initiates kisses, touching etc.
I absolutely have never said to him I need sex a certain amount of times a week and that I feel insecure without it.

But yes, I agree and am aware that my way of thinking is completely my issue.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 17/07/2021 14:13

I’m 51, and yes my sex drive is not what it was when I was 21, and TBH, once a week would probably be okay me.., but all men are different, as in all women are different as well, and yes you probably do need to work on your insecurities.
If a man doesn’t want to have sex, it doesn’t mean his feelings towards you have changed, it just means he doesn’t feel like having sex right now

Anothernick · 17/07/2021 14:21

You are overthinking this, if he is healthy and enjoys sex his libido is not likely to change much for many years. I'm 62 and I have been pleasantly surprised to find that neither desire nor ability has declined very much at all over the years. I would say it's probably more enjoyable now than it has ever been, and it has been pretty enjoyable before.

But as others have said, you should not be feeling insecure after a couple, of days without and you should not give him the impression that you think his libido is lacking, that is a very wounding thing to say to a man, especially if, as seems to be the case here, it isn't true.

Hanger0n · 17/07/2021 14:23

You're still missing the point.

Nonmaquillee · 17/07/2021 14:33

The title of your thread is misleading. As I said upthread, the problem is YOU, not him, but you don’t want to acknowledge this.

Honestly, if this post had been written by a man complaining about his female partner’s libido past a certain age when it was transparently clear that he just needed sex to feel validated, you would have received far more unsympathetic replies.

Fidgety31 · 17/07/2021 14:38

My boyfriend is 54 and we haven’t had sex for nearly two years because he no longer feels like it .
It’s destroying our relationship to be honest because he refuses to so anything to address the issues .

Original poster
Lan2020 · 17/07/2021 14:55

People saying I have the problem not him, yes I know. I am acknowledgeding it!

Also, I've in no way told him his libido is lacking. Ever! I am fully acknowledging that I am insecure and that I feel insecure and have also said it's not about me wanting sex but I feel I want him pleased regularly because I'm worried he will leave.

I've never once said this to him. I've not mebtione dhis libido and I've not discussed the frequency we have sex because I'm actually happy with the frequency and of course I would never want him to have sex if he doesn't want to. He's generally more keen than me but I've not given him any impression that he has to have sex with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lan2020 · 17/07/2021 14:59

I was partly just curious about the impact of me being with someone almost 20 years older on our sex life. As I said, from reading literature it seems a decline in sex drive after 50 is normal. What i was wondering is if people had generally experienced this. I fully understand that there are individual differences and no correct answer. I was wondering if in the imminent future I should expect possibly that sex witll decline as the norm and yes partly because of my insecurities which I recognise are mine. I love my partner and if we had less sex I would still love him the same.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 17/07/2021 16:29

@Lan2020

I was partly just curious about the impact of me being with someone almost 20 years older on our sex life. As I said, from reading literature it seems a decline in sex drive after 50 is normal. What i was wondering is if people had generally experienced this. I fully understand that there are individual differences and no correct answer. I was wondering if in the imminent future I should expect possibly that sex witll decline as the norm and yes partly because of my insecurities which I recognise are mine. I love my partner and if we had less sex I would still love him the same.
His sex drive will probably decline sooner than yours, that’s just natural aging and nothing to be worried about onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/sexual-health-advice/does-sex-drive-decrease-with-age
Wherearemymarbles · 17/07/2021 16:31

On average then yes it will decline for both men and women.

Sure, lots of short term dating where you may still be in the honeymoon period and see each other twice a week could easily result in sex several times on those days.

But in a ltr when you live together in your 50’s twice a week is pretty respectable. For every couple having it 6 times a week there’ll be 30 having it 6 times a month!

ContessaVerde · 18/07/2021 01:22

If you don’t use it, you lose it.

having regular sex is a really good way to maintain libido.

Often when there is a pause in sex, due to pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, illness, contraception, etc it can be hard to pick back up, so you have to be prepared for these times and talk openly as and when they come up.

HollySass · 18/07/2021 01:31

I was married to someone much older. After 50 his libido decreased hugely (not the ability, just the desire/interest).

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