I’m done but need reassurance.

[Howlongcanthisgoon]

I finally had enough. Yes it’s been far too long.
I told him I’m done I’m out. We worked out that I can’t cope with his expectations of me and I told him not only can’t I cope I don’t want to either.
I told him that he had to accept that and be ok about it. Or it’s over.
Now he’s gone quiet. Which sounds ok in principle but it’s a tactic to get me to fix things. I hate being ignored and usually I pull out all the stops to fix problems.
Just need some reassurance that I’m doing the right thing and that giving in now will only cause problems down the line (like last time and the time before that and the one before that etc)

Please trust me in this, leave him now. Before you get in any deeper. Me and my dp of 8 years have just split up, I am absolutley devestated but I know deep down I have made the right decision. I was like you, constantly being the one wanting to fix things, hoping he would change. He never did, he only got worse . You will be ok on you're own, might not seem like it just now but you will be. You will meet someone who treats you properly x

Yes, it sounds as if you are doing the right thing.

What are his expectations of you, OP? What's he been trying to make you do?

At a surface level his expectations are fine.
Be caring and kind and thoughtful. So when he says this I sound unreasonable and uncaring.
But what he actually does is storm around the house criticizing everything I do. Literally everything. Yells at me constantly. Tells me to shut up because I have nothing interesting to say. He’s working hard and says he has nothing to give me so if I have a problem he won’t help and tells me I’m whinging.
I feel like I’m constantly trying to win his approval and I’m on edge all of the time waiting for him to fly into the next rage. He doesn’t hit but he is venomous.
He’s constantly telling me I have an easy life and can do what I want but hates it if I go out and punished me with irrational anger about other insignificant things.
He wants nothing from me but needs me to mother him and meet his every unspoken need. Of course I have to guess these because it’s meaningless if he has to ask.
He’s having a pity party upstairs.
When he was sure I was leaving he was nice. Then as he convinced himself that this is all my fault he has become moody.
I want him to leave the house.
We have 2 kids.

I don't blame you. He's got no respect for you at all

You are totally doing the right thing breaking up. IMO the scars from being a verbal punchbag run deeper and last longer than those from broken bones. The venom, it's not "nothing". It matters, a lot. That's without even taking into account the rest of it. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't manipulate you, someone you instead treats you with respect. It's always better to be happily single than miserably together. Even if you're miserable single, you're fully in charge of doing whatever is necessary for changing that. He's currently making you miserable and you can't change someone else's behaviour.

Oh boy, are you doing the right thing!!!

What's your situation (as far as getting him out)? If you own or rent jointly it's likely you won't be able to make him leave.

As far as his current behaviour, he's 'waiting you out' thinking you'll revert to 'fix-it' behaviour. It's not easy, but you're just going to have to carry on as usual and ignore him. Think of his 'silent treatment' as a 'positive' thing. If he's sulking silently at least he's not berating you. I know it's hard, but don't give in.

Howlongcanthisgoon:

You said We worked out that I can’t cope with his expectations of me and I told him not only can’t I cope I don’t want to either.

Surely that should be 'We worked out that his expectations of me were unreasonable, and it was unreasonable to ask me to continue to deal with them'.

Please do not take any blame for his behaviour. No-one should be required to cope with that.

It sounds like coercive control. Yes, you are doing the right thing, OP. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable, and you desperately need to be out of this relationship.

Good luck, OP. I hope you manage to get him out.

Do you own or rent? Expect him to go after the children next

No question that you are doing the right thing. You absolutely are. He isn't capable of having a mutually-respectful, loving relationship and there is no way you will ever change that.

So at best, he might change his behaviour temporarily, but it will always revert - and when that happens it tends to come back worse than before, because he knows he can get away with it.

The only way to stop this dynamic is to split. The only question is how you go about doing that. Maybe get some legal advice. Certainly reach out to people you can trust IRL. Maybe start by showing them the list you gave us above. Don't hesitate or pander to him sulking or begging.

There is a much happier life waiting for you on the other side of this. I feel excited for you.