DH and his change of porn preference - help

[WellItsAnotherNameChange]

I've name changed for obvious reasons!

I discovered this morning that DH has been watching ‘shemale’ porn (the terminology used for the titles of the videos/gifs - I apologise if that actual word is offensive!).

Our DC’s play with DH’s old phone which is synched to his current phone, so anything he searches for, still shows up on his old phones internet history. One of the DC’s was jabbing at the phone this morning, and had managed to fire up the internet - the phone itself can’t be locked in to kids mode so there are some things that they can still access.

Obviously once I noticed they were on the internet instead of the CBeebies based apps, I took the phone away to close the internet app. But in this moment, something came over me, I don’t know why but as I was looking at all the internet tabs, I decided to have a little scroll through the history. Yes, yes, I know, I shouldn’t have and I feel guilty - please don’t berate me for snooping, I’d rather get advice/comments based on porn rather than my stupid moment of weakness!

Anyway, over the last 5-6 weeks, DH has watched shemale porn 3 times! As soon as I spotted this, I typed in the internet search history filter for ‘shemale’ and a further 4 more hits came up spanning back to November last year. I’m quite confident these won’t have been the only times, I can only assume that other searches have been cleared. I'm also aware that he uses Reddit for porn, so again, I know he'll have been viewing it on there too, as Reddit is generally where he'll go to first to view it, as opposed to the internet.

However, the porn based internet searches that came up since November, were all shemale based ones. No ‘regular’ porn in sight at all.

I’ve caught DH looking at porn before throughout our almost 8 years together, and up until now, it’s always been your run of the mill, man with a woman, or a woman by herself, etc etc - nothing like this has ever come up before! Nothing too kinky, or 'out there'. This is entirely new and now my head is spinning!

To make it worse, DH appears to be looking at porn more or less 5-10 minutes after he gets in to work! It’s like he says goodbye to myself and the DC’s in the morning, gets in to work and thinks ‘right, time to look at some shemale porn before I have my coffee and talk to my coworkers!’

I don’t know whether I actually have anything to be worried about, but bottom line, I am worried. Where has this new found taste for shemale porn come from?

I don’t think he’s gay, I don't even think he's bi to be completely honest. But my head can’t make sense of any of this. I’m not a massive fan of DH watching porn, but over the years we've watched some together and I’ve also worked hard to accept the fact that him watching it on his own will happen, but when I had that in mind, I assumed I was signing up to a DH that watches ‘regular’ stuff.

Do any of your dh’s/male friends watch this kind of porn, and can you offer any insight as to why this particular type of porn seems to have sprung up from nowhere, and seemingly taken such a hold that it's now his go to choice?!

I’m climbing the walls trying to understand it.

I would straight up ask him.

It's going to become a thing between you both if you are left with questions.

As long as you ask in the right way it should be okay. Ask out of curiosity rather than shame.

I'm pretty open in my relationship so we know most things (I presume)🙈

@overtherainbo I agree that the delivery of all of this is key! I certainly don't want to put him on the spot and make him feel awkward or embarrassed, I just want to alleviate some of my fears really!
My biggest concern is that he's started watching this type of porn for errr, lack of the better word, the penis, and if that's the case, we will obviously run in to some problems what with me not having a penis and everything

I hope it's a case of curiosity, mixed in with being bored of watching regular porn.
I'm going to give it another few weeks, and keep an eye on whether any other 'shemale' related videos/gifs come up, or if any 'normal' porn starts cropping up again.

On the whole, there have been around 8-9 searches for it in 9 months, which isn't a lot, but I'm aware that the actual number could be bigger, but at the same time, there is still a chance that those were the only times he's viewed it. So I really don't know the extent of how often he's watching this kind of porn, and that's another thing I need to get to the bottom of!

At the moment it doesn't seem to be affecting our sex life, despite me having had 3 c sections and being left with a rather grotesque overhang, he still adores my body and touches and hugs me whenever he has the chance - so that's one positive at least!

Given that he's searching for it at work, could it be that he's watching it in the staff room with a group of colleagues for a laugh/ shock value? I worked in a factory for a few years and this happened all the time, especially on the nightshifts.

@BaronessBomburst Oh god, absolutely not, I do however wish that was the case though!

He has one colleague who he works alongside day in, day out, and he doesn't get on with her at all. The other colleagues he doesn't really have anything to do with. He eats his lunch in his office or heads in to town to grab something. I can tell he's looking at it before he's logged on to work system, so the likelihood is, he's watching it before he's even seen/spoken to anyone properly, I'm talking within 15 minutes of getting to work. It's all so bizarre.

That is indeed bizarre!

@BaronessBomburst not to make excuses for his awful work etiquette, but I can, on some level, understand why he's choosing to view it there. My one 'porn rule' is that he's not to watch it while I'm at home with him. My ex before DH used to watch porn so much that it impacted on our sex life in a big way, so much so that he'd reject me for sex, wait until I'd fallen asleep then would watch porn in bed next to me - that happened more times than I could count and it crushed my self esteem, my confidence and made me feel awful about myself. I'm still struggling with it years later.

Because I'm at home with the DC's all the time, DH doesn't really have the 'opportunity' to watch it alone at home, and I do feel bad about that, however, we all have our boundaries, don't we.

So many times he's told me that he doesn't mind, he understands the impact of what I went through with ex - he's even said that he couldn't believe ex would rather watch porn than have sex with me - and that he 'doesn't really watch it all that often anyway', but I'd argue watching it three times at work within a month and a half doesn't exactly constitute as 'not that often'

Is his phone automatically connecting to his work WiFi? If so he must be insane.

@HollowTalk no, it isn't, and this is how I can tell that he's watching it shortly after arriving at work. You can see the porn search (which he will have viewed while using own his data), then the next thing in the history will be him logging on to the work system (which he does via the WiFi) ready to start the day

To me it is utterly bizarre that you can know what time these internet searches take place let alone how you know what network he's logging into??... And there you can determine if it's before he properly starts his work day?? That level of investigation sounds creepy to me.

Regardless if his employer were to discover he was watching porn while at work I imagine disciplinary action could follow?

I also agree with others your biggest issue here is you giving your kids a device with porn searches easily available!!!

@WellItsAnotherNameChange Your first priority is to unlink his old phone from his new one, or stop your kids from using it. That is urgent.

Anything else comes after that.

I’d imagine using porn at work would be a disciplinary offence in almost all work places… he’s clearly not being too technically savvy if he’s making the porn he’s viewing at work available to his kids.

Have you had conversations about porn use before? Would he respond well to talking about it, or is he not that type of person?

@IamThrough well, the search after the porn one comes up with his companies name, it's not investigative when it shows it there in black and white that he's signed in and is using their software.
He wakes up in the morning, doesn't use his phone, goes straight to work. Then it'll be a porn search, followed by his works company name coming up thereafter. It's quite easy to see that he's searching for it the morning, before he's logging in to their system

I have just found the same on my partners phone... a bit more searching and I found gay porn... then gay messaging sites... then a messaging app... then confirmation he'd slept with another woman when I was 9 months pregnant. He was my best friend, who also told he watched porn but not often... who touched me all the time and made me feel attractive despite 2 csections. He can't explain much if it or doesn't want to. But please talk to your dp as in my case this type of porn was an escalation- like a need for more that crossed over into real life cheating.

I'm 2 weeks post separation with a 2yr old and 6mnth old. I know your situation isn't mine and chances are he's just watching random porn. But I couldn't read and not share my experience.

So he's going into work watching chicks with dicks and having a wank and then when finished, logs onto his work WiFi and starts work? He's obviously doing it in the job as you say it's 15 minutes between him logging in to porn sites and his work WiFi.

Is there other people there? It's a bit grim to think he's pulling the todger off himself if others are near by, would this be why he does not get on with his work colleagues? They know that he has a morning wank before work, jesus whatever happened to just having a cup of coffee before work.

If he's bored with regular porn as you say, then he's using it alot more than you think. I get people are curious but when you're curious you look once or twice, not a regular thing before work. It's obviously 'doing' it for him, it of course doesn't mean he's gay etc it just means dicks turn him on.

Unless he asks you to wear a strap on, I think I'd rather not know what he's into. You could always show him how to use the incognito mode and clearing the history on the browser, although I'm sure he already knows this.

My biggest concern is that he's started watching this type of porn for errr, lack of the better word, the penis, and if that's the case, we will obviously run in to some problems what with me not having a penis and everything

@WellItsAnotherNameChange Probably he does think about what he's seeing in the videos when he's watching the videos. But it's probably just a fantasy. It'd be quite a big leap for a straight guy to track down a transwoman with penis intactus and fully functioning and shag them/get shagged by them. So they don't usually act on the fantasy at all, I don't think.

he 'doesn't really watch it all that often anyway', but I'd argue watching it three times at work within a month and a half doesn't exactly constitute as 'not that often'

I have to take issue with this! Once a fortnight is definitely not the porn usage of a dedicated wanker. God there's been periods in my life where I've been at it multiple times daily! I burned out the motors of 3 vibrators and could have bought shares in Duracell 😂

Also, gay men do not watch "shemale" porn or seek sex with trans women - so put that worry out of your mind! It's a fairly common niche for both men and women who watch porn. I went through a few films in that niche myself before something else caught my interest.

It's understandable with your history with your ex that this is a trigger point for you but I really don't think you have any reason to worry.

I'd be a lot more concerned if he was searching something yucky like "young teens" or "painal" 🤮

Reason to never shake male workmates hands.

He could have a shower wank like many instead of doing it at work.

Reason to never shake male workmates hands.

🤣🤣🤣

I too would have suggested a wank in the bathroom, but I think from what OP wrote that this would be against their agreement to never do it in the house. And she said she's there all the time.

actually OP is that something that's changed since lockdown, are you at home now whereas previously you went out more and he could have some private time at home? That could explain the work routine, if you think it's a recent change.

In fact I think that might be positive - he's struggling to find 5 minutes alone, he's not turned around to you and whinged "you're never ouuuuuutttt and I want to rub one out" - he knows that would be unfair on you and you might feel pressurised to move your boundaries, which would potentially leave you feeling vulnerable and anxious. So he's found another solution.

I don’t think it matters. Lots of people look at weird porn that they wouldn’t do themselves or ever act out, fantasy is not the same as reality.

Also 3 times a month is not often at all.

Personally I find men using transexual porn to be a gigantic turn off and wouldn't feel like snagging him.

On the related but separate topic of him using porn (even if its on his own wifi) and presumably masturbating in work - because you have a no point use in house rule - it only takes one of his work colleagues to become aware of it, and surely he could get in trouble at work. It's totally inappropriate to be using porn and masturbating in his work place.

• no porn use in house

I’m pretty sure that porn is behind a lot of marital discord. It rewires the brain.