38 and looks like can’t have anymore children, feeling down as I have only experienced motherhood in abuse.

[Fightingback16]

I’m 38 and have been having tests done and it looks increasingly likely I will not be able to have anymore children. This news has hit me really hard.

I have one daughter who is 5 who I love very much. It was not how I imagined having children. I was abused by her father and I never understood why but I didn’t want children, I thought that was in general but it turns out is was just with him. I did not have any choice in the matter and managed to put it off for years but in the end he won. It was not a nice experience at all, he became more abusive. I don’t have any feelings about motherhood as he took it all away from me, I was an anxious, nervous unsupported wreck the whole time.

Fast forward 5 years and I’ve met a lovely man. We have been together 10 months and although it’s not something I’ve made any firm decision on I didn’t expect this news. He is younger then me, 31 and although I’ve brought up the matter and he doesn’t seem phased I am devastated. My daughter and him have a lovely little relationship and I find myself thinking I love this man and he would make an incredible father. And I wonder what it would be like to have children with someone who you loved and was loved in return, not someone who scared you. It is looking way ahead but I would hate to be the one to take that away from him. Fast forward a few years and I will be 40 and in the menopause and him still really young. I’m not feeling very good about myself right now and this situation.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Try not to despair - perhaps the results of the tests won't be as you fear?

Does your bf definitely want to be a father?

Sorry Op 40 would be young to be menopausal. I hope life works out for you.

I had an internal scan the other day and she said my ovaries are very small. I’ve been using ovulation strips for months and nothing so pretty sure I have no eggs.

I feel too young for all this. My mental health has been bad, terrible fatigue and digestive problems.

I don’t know if he wants to be a father. I just feel really crap at the moment.

He can still be a loving stepparent to your little girl if that’s right in time.

This must be a lot to take in. I don’t know a lot about this, but might there be further options for investigation and treatment?

I’m glad you have a good relationship with your little girl and she is only five so lots of time to enjoy a happy motherhood

This is devastating, OP, I'm so sorry, it must be such a shock.

If your ovaries are indeed already depleted, it's possible if you both really wanted a child that you could conceive with IVF using donor eggs. Obviously this is not something to be taken lightly, but many women do go this route and are very happy. Possibly something to bear in mind, though I know it depends on many things,

I hadn’t really had any thoughts about whether I wanted more children or not but I’m finding it hard that yet another decision has been made for me just like they had in the previous decade.

My self esteem took a terrible hit and it was starting to come back and now this. I already feel old and tired.

I was told a few years back I had chronic fatigue from the stress of my marriage, I wonder now of this is some how linked to my hormones.

I’ve been struggling with my mental health this past year and I thought it was just the impact of the abuse. I’ve been very irritable and maybe this is also linked to my hormones which would explain a lot. Its an awful lot to come to terms with.

Im sorry that happened to you and that this is now happening to you.

I know it isn't much consolation atm but the majority of your parenting years are ahead of you, and it sounds like he's up for doing them with you xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience - not the same, but I found out after one DC that I couldn't have more, and my first pregnancy had been marred by stuff that I won't go in to here. When I remarried, I had a real sadness that I wouldn't ever get to experience a properly joyful pregnancy, and that I wouldn't experience it with my new DH.

I hope you will find some reassurance in the fact that, for me, the sadness passed. You can't keep regretting what might have been, and when you look at what you have (a lovely DD, a lovely DP, a safe and happy life) - that is enough to be completely happy.

I no longer regret not being able to have more DC. I'm 100% happy with my lot in life. My DH and DC and his DC are a family in every meaningful sense.

Regarding whether or not your DP might want to have children in the future. You can only be honest with him, and ask for him to be honest with you. Whatever happens you have your lovely DD and you are safe from abuse.

Bless. Tbh 10 months is nothing in a relationship. You need to fully know him first anyways. If you have known for months then why was you trying for a baby so soon. Be careful as going from one relationship that was abusive your high risk of getting into another. On a further note he moved in very quick.

He hasn’t moved in and not trying for a baby currently.

I'm sorry OP. Lots to process and it'll take time. Have you spoken with a counsellor re what the abuse took from you and mourned that?

Op can I ask what times you were using the strips?

@30degreesandmeltinghere I was using them from day 10 to about day.

Day 15

What time did you test op? Assuming you mean the cheap strips?

@30degreesandmeltinghere I was testing in the morning. Yeah I got them off Amazon. I’ve used the same before when I conceived my daughter and they were accurate then.

I had the internal ultra sound scan the other day and she said it’s not a diagnosis but my ovaries were very small.

For what it’s worth I used those cheap ovulation strips for a month and they never showed a clear positive. But I conceived that month, so evidently did ovulate.

I’d look for some more medical advice. But it sounds like there’s a lot to hope for even if the results aren’t good. I’m sorry you’ve been through what you have.

Those strips aren't for fmu...
I was over 40 and used them at 2pm and 10 pm from day 10. Caught a positive every month. Usually at 10pm on day 12.
Maybe try different times op? Dr should do bloods that would confirm whether ovulation happened...

I had bloods that showed borderline high results, although not sure what was actually high. I have very irregular periods less then 21 cycle most of the time, I have developed IBS, my hair has changed from straight to curly, palpitations. I’ve gone from regular periods with certain symptoms that have just disappeared. They thought it was ptsd but I think it’s hormone related. And I have terrible fatigue and foggy brain. I have another blood test booked, it’s hard to find that day 2 of the cycle to have it in.

I just don’t need this right now, it’s hitting my fragile self esteem and my sense of self. How have I gone from a 24 year old to this, I hardly recognise myself thanks to my husband. I feel so old. My face is ageing, my hair going grey, I’m not ready for this at all.

I'm sorry you went through an abusive relationship though even in a nice relationship motherhood is not how we imagine it would be.
Hopefully you'll get good news, try counselling too it helps.
In the meantime take time for personal care when you look better you will feel better.
Little steps.

With your mh how it is I tbh would not be thinking about having a new baby. I'd focus on getting well having holidays treating yourself and having a long term relationship etc without throwing a baby into the equation

It isn’t really the thought of the baby it’s the fact the choice is taken from me and all the other things that come with a menopause at 38. Perhaps it is effecting my mental health also.

Your as old as you feel. Wouldn't worry bout it. Take a course up at uni or college it keeps you distracted