Controlling relationship?

[EmmaVan]

I can’t work out whether or not I am in a controlling relationship? I feel like I am but I don’t know whether or not it’s normal as we have been together for so long. We have 4 children aged from 4-14 and have been together 18 years. Theres no violence whatsoever but he makes me feel very nervous and anxious with his behaviour.
for example if he doesn’t get his own way, he can sulk for weeks at a time leaving a horrible atmosphere in the house leaving us all including the kids treading on eggshells around him. Last week after putting all the kids to bed And explaining I had period pains I had a shower and fell asleep on my bed and he came stomping upstairs about 930pm saying I take it your going to bed now then and we’re not having sex tonight? And has sulked ever since. This happens on a regular basis, not just with sex which I rarely say no too just things in general. He doesn’t tell me I can’t go anywhere or see anyone and is not jealous by me going out with my own friends but he is very demanding when it comes to things he’s wants doings errands etc and will sulk and strop about if I don’t answer the phone to him during the day. He’s a real Jekyll and hyde, so funny, charming and lovely one minute and then split second stroppy and cold the next. I just don’t know what’s normal or not anymore??? He works very hard and very long hours but seems to make me feel guilty for this even though I do absolutely everything at home and with the kid’s and work part time. Am I imagining this or is this okay??

Hi OP. This isn't normal and unfair on not only yourself but the children too. No one should feel like they're walking on eggshells in their own home. Have you spoke to him about his behaviour and how it makes you all feel?

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and the relationship therefore needs to end. He is emotionally abusing you by sulking and these children are also picking up on the toxic atmosphere at home.

What is the situation re the property and finances?. Are you married?. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Do contact Women’s aid, they can also help you plan your exit from this. This is also no relationship model to show your children, good men and fathers do not abuse their children’s mother. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He does not care about you or how you feel. Men like this hate women, all of them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Did you see abuse at home?
Did you meet this man when you were say late teens or early 20s?. He targeted you deliberately.

Not normal. Not ok.

Abusive.

Damaging to your children.

He sounds like a thoroughly spoiled brat except he's an adult.

So he makes your life a misery for weeks because you have period pain. Yes, that's abusive. Any decent man would have fetched you a couple of paracetamol and run you a warm bath. You deserve better, much better.

I can’t work out whether or not I am in a controlling relationship

Nobody in a healthy relationship would write this.

It's not whether you are in an objectively controlling relationship. It's whether you feel controlled. So, there's a yes or no question:

Do you feel controlled by him?

He sounds dreadful, a controlling bully.

What an awful example of a father and husband he sets for your children.

It has to stop.

I echo what previous posters have said about contacting Womens Aid and sorting out property and finances.

Good luck and please, look ahead.

Yes, OP. He is abusive.

I know you may find that hard to fathom. I feel the same about my marriage which I am currently in the process of ending.

You’ve been around it for so long that your version of ‘normal’ has become skewed. It’s also the MO of a bully to make you question your reality. If you feel as though you’re being abused then you probably are.

Read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.
I’ve read it and it was bloody hard going because I recognised the dynamic of my relationship all the way through it. But I’m so very glad I read it.

Relationships (ANY relationship- friends, family, partner) should make you feel better… not worse

And explaining I had period pains I had a shower and fell asleep on my bed and he came stomping upstairs about 930pm saying I take it your going to bed now then and we’re not having sex tonight? And has sulked ever since.

I promise, promise, promise you that there are decent blokes who would say argh sorry you're in pain, what can I do to help?

Then they would do what you asked - get you a hot water bottle / run a bath / make you laugh to distract you. Even tony things like getting you some paracetamol and a drink so you don't have to do it.

Not PUNISH you for being in too much pain to want to shag them at that time. He's abusive. That's abusive.

Think about that. He was ANGRY your body was causing you pain not because he doesn't like you to go through pain, but because he doesn't like the fact that that pain means he doesn't get to shag you whenever he wants no exceptions.

Please don't waste your life on such a horrible person

It sounds toxic I was in a similar relationship myself where he would sulk and argue with me if I was tired and fell asleep or if I didn’t want to have sex/if he didn’t get his own way. That in turn made me not want to go near him. It was a vicious circle and ultimately we split.

Have you ever thought about counselling? He has some issues he really needs to deal with there. At the very least you need to have it out with him and tell him how it’s making you feel. Don’t put up with it.

What you FEEL is hugely important here. What does your body tell you? Tense and nervous? Telling your mind that it's not controlling won't remove that gut instinct you have that things aren't ok. Your body is telling you something is wrong, listen.

My last partner was very similar. I was a nervous wreck, shaking like a leaf until I learnt to shutdown all my emotions, all my bodily sensation and ended up very unwell. I was barely alive but knew where I had to be, what I had to say, when to have sex to keep him as subdued as possible.

My current partner hugs me when I cry or look scared and we went 3 years without sex when I was healing from previous trauma. That shouldn't be a revelation but it really was, there are kind, compassionate men out there who are consistent in their affection, attention and love. Where you don't have to sense the room before they've even spoken to work out which him is standing in front of you.

You are in a very damaging highly abusive relationship with a nasty, controlling, abusive bully.

Your children are undoubtedly being seriously damaged by it.

You sound terrified of him and of refusing sex, which means it's coercive sex, which is now a crime.

You desperately need to speak to Women's AID for advice on how to get away from him.

He is a very bad man.
He is also a very bad father.
Your whole family are nervous wrecks living with him.

What is your money/family/friend situation?

Do you have access to all family money?