Sibling estrangement and how to cope

thatyouleavebehind · 2021-07-16T16:50:13+00:00

My sibling my best friend for reasons we are both equally at fault has decided to not want any contact. I'm struggling desperately with this, I feel lost. I've tried calling and messaging How do you cope with losing someone so important to you? I feel so alone. And it's not just them it's my nieces and nephews. My only family are gone and life will never be the same for me.

whatnow47 · 16/07/2021 19:22

Hi I have had a similar situation over the past year or so. My brother is an alcoholic and my sister and I have had a really uneasy relationship (found out her husband was having an affair and she has never really forgiven me for telling her, she thinks I have ruined her marriage). He was also financially abusing her and I told my parents because my mother is very vulnerable to con artists and scammers, let alone family member on the make..

I have had a bit of counselling about this and I basically came to the conclusion I need to let go of my family of origin and concentrate on my own family; husband and children. Although it has been an awful year for me, I now feel I am a bit stronger for it because I know I don't need my family to get by, I can stand on my own two feet. I no longer have my sister bossing me about and have stopped worrying about my brother drinking himself to death. My niece is now an adult and will have to work things out herself now..I did my best.

New chapter in whatnow47's life.

notacluenope · 16/07/2021 20:23

Hi Op have name changed to reply and as you might tell from my name I might not be much help! Just to say you're not alone. Therapy, support network, being kind to yourself, give yourself lots of time and space to really see the relationship for what it was and to grieve. It's a loss however it came about. Ignore unhelpful judgements, but be honest with yourself about the role you played - you say you were both at fault, so sit down and think about it all, find ways to forgive yourself and them if you can. Try not to hold on to resentment. Let yourself be angry and devastated then pick yourself up and live a good life. It will all feel less raw at some point in the future. We're all human, we all make mistakes. Do you have some friends you can talk to?

PumpkinKlNG · 16/07/2021 20:26

I think you just need to respect their wishes. I am no contact with my sister as she did something really horrible

Original poster

thatyouleavebehind · 16/07/2021 21:01

Realistically taking a step back I think it was probably mostly my fault and I could and should have dealt better with it.
A mistake I'll always regret

OP posts:

notacluenope · 16/07/2021 21:18

In that case @thatyouleavebehind I think all you can do is give them the space they need and in the meantime work through whatever was going on for you which caused the issue. We all make mistakes. Sounds like you're facing up to yours which takes courage. You could look at this book which looks at forgiveness from both sides?

www.waterstones.com/book/the-book-of-forgiving/archbishop-desmond-tutu/rev-mpho-tutu/9780007572601

Sssloou · 16/07/2021 21:18

@thatyouleavebehind

Realistically taking a step back I think it was probably mostly my fault and I could and should have dealt better with it. A mistake I'll always regret

All you can do is apologise, acknowledge the hurt - once - and then keep the door open and wait.

It’s their call. Time is a healer. Don’t chase.

Are you sure it was all your fault?

Has your RS had other ups and downs?

Livelovebehappy · 16/07/2021 22:13

I think we probably put up with things we dislike from our siblings, for too long, just because it feels that as they’re family you want to have a relationship with them, no matter how awful. My dsis and I have never been close, and she’s done some awful things, and doesn’t care. I find myself wanting to step back from her, but it feels wrong because she’s family, and I worry I will regret it and that there will be no going back. I’m jealous of friends who have strong relationships with their sisters and brothers, because I know I’ll never have that.

Original poster

thatyouleavebehind · 16/07/2021 23:03

I'm really struggling to come to terms with this. I don't have any other family and I feel alone.

OP posts:

Dancingpinkgini · 16/07/2021 23:13

What was it over though?

I’ve completely cut my sister out of my life because she’s a horrible nasty person and the nastiness was directed at my DC.

I have tried in the past to make it better for our DM but she proved over and over again that a nasty bitch she was so I finally had enough.

PumpkinKlNG · 16/07/2021 23:16

Agree Dancingpinkgini I cut my sister out because she reported me to social services maliciously, I’m sure she tells everyone she has no idea why I don’t speak to her and why she’s no longer allowed to see my children

sisterforthis · 16/07/2021 23:31

namechanged for this one.

A few years ago my sister had a huge fight with me and cut me out of her life. she is my only sibling. she was completely in the wrong imo but I also could see why she was so emotional about it - came after a death in the family. I would have understood her being upset but telling me she could never talk to me again devastated me. tbh it consumed me for a good while and I went to therapy about it. Honestly though the big fight (we were in our 40s) came after years of her trying to control me and me dodging and weaving and then finally saying no over something that was too important to my family.

years on we have a close sibling relationship. It took about 3 years before we got over it. She now refers to it as "the time I went a bit mad" - which is as close to an apology as I'll get. I stayed in touch with her kids with presents/cards throughout. I actually sent her presents for significant birthdays. And also sent a letter to her acknowledging her feelings and asking could we draw a line under it - no response I accepted that if we did get back together, I would have to suck up the feelings I had and just accept this was the way forward. She has many fabulous qualities and I am glad I stuck with it.

honestly, OP, if you feel you were mostly in the wrong I would write to her and say so. Apologise. Tell her how much you regret what happened and how much you miss her. Maybe see a therapist first though - took me a while to sort out the feelings of a lifetime. My sibling is the only person left I have known from birth - lot to unwrap there.

Anordinarymum · 16/07/2021 23:34

Reach out to your sibling and apologise. Tell them you miss them. It's all you can do really.

Sssloou · 17/07/2021 07:41

@sisterforthis

namechanged for this one.

A few years ago my sister had a huge fight with me and cut me out of her life. she is my only sibling. she was completely in the wrong imo but I also could see why she was so emotional about it - came after a death in the family. I would have understood her being upset but telling me she could never talk to me again devastated me. tbh it consumed me for a good while and I went to therapy about it. Honestly though the big fight (we were in our 40s) came after years of her trying to control me and me dodging and weaving and then finally saying no over something that was too important to my family.

years on we have a close sibling relationship. It took about 3 years before we got over it. She now refers to it as "the time I went a bit mad" - which is as close to an apology as I'll get. I stayed in touch with her kids with presents/cards throughout. I actually sent her presents for significant birthdays. And also sent a letter to her acknowledging her feelings and asking could we draw a line under it - no response I accepted that if we did get back together, I would have to suck up the feelings I had and just accept this was the way forward. She has many fabulous qualities and I am glad I stuck with it.

honestly, OP, if you feel you were mostly in the wrong I would write to her and say so. Apologise. Tell her how much you regret what happened and how much you miss her. Maybe see a therapist first though - took me a while to sort out the feelings of a lifetime. My sibling is the only person left I have known from birth - lot to unwrap there.

This is a really good post as these things don't come out of nowhere - there is often a tension in the relationship that is sustainable in normal times but every emotion, resentment etc gets magnified and amplified in times if stress - especially grief where our senses are heightened, our thinking and perception distorted and our responses sometimes volatile and disproportionate....time needs to pass, dust needs to settle, wounds need to be healed, grief needs to be processed....it takes years.

If you have acknowledged their hurt feelings and any contribution you made to these with an offer to talk, move forward etc then you have done all you can and you just need to wait - but in that time work on yourself emotionally to become independent of your sister. I am going through something similar and I have been truly devastated - it has been 2 years NC and it is only recently that I have emotionally shifted to indifference as I have concentrated on the less fractious and more mutually respectful (and who knew - more full-filling) relationships that I have in my life. It has struck me that my relationship with my sister is not emotionally evolved - its childlike and stuck and needs to become more adult, civil and separate.

OliveToboogie · 17/07/2021 14:17

I feel your pain. I am estranged from my brother and sister. It is their choice. It broke my heart. I had to let go as it was driving me insane. I wrote, texted, sent flowers, apologised by nothing back. It's so hard. You cannot make someone love you. All you can give them is space and hope one day they will come back to you. It's been 4 years.