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Relationships

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Original poster

How likely is it that affair partners put their future together on hold?

23 replies

newdaynew · 16/07/2021 14:20

With hindsight, I think my husband might have developed feelings (perhaps even fallen in love) for a woman several years ago. If I'm right, when it started and developed would have coincided with major events in our DC life (exams, leaving for Uni) which would explain why my husband didn't leave me.
The OW more recently got married and had a baby.
Can I ask how likely it is that my husband and OW are currently treading water until such time as they decide they can be together?
I didn't think this was at all likely, as she's got married, but my counsellor told me that this means absolutely nothing and that people never fail to surprise her.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 16/07/2021 14:24

It sounds as though your counsellor is trying to make you paranoid!

I really doubt the OW would have got married and had a baby knowing she'd leave home soon for your husband. Why would she do that and not wait to have a baby with him?

If your children were old enough to go to university, wouldn't that have been an ideal time for him to leave? Yet he didn't and in the meantime the OW's had a relationship that's led to marriage and a baby.

I think if they had a relationship it's more likely that they drifted apart or consciously ended it. Nothing else really makes sense.

LittleTiger007 · 16/07/2021 14:28

Change counsellor.
That’s a dreadful thing to plant in your mind.
This OW has got married and had a baby. I have a two month old myself and the last thing on my mind is to get together with any old lover! We are building a home, she is building a home and a new life. Thinking this way will serve no purpose but to drive a wedge between you and your husband and drive you insane.

BillieSpain · 16/07/2021 14:28

I really doubt it.

She has a new baby with somebody else. He's just finished all that!

Bibidy · 16/07/2021 14:35

I think it's pretty weird that your counsellor would say that to you!

I think it's highly unlikely if she's moved on, got married and had a child that she's waiting for your husband. Sounds like their thing ended years ago.

Unless you have a reason to believe otherwise from your husband's side I guess?

Original poster

newdaynew · 16/07/2021 14:35

@HollowTalk

It sounds as though your counsellor is trying to make you paranoid!

I really doubt the OW would have got married and had a baby knowing she'd leave home soon for your husband. Why would she do that and not wait to have a baby with him?

I think if they had a relationship it's more likely that they drifted apart or consciously ended it. Nothing else really makes sense.

The thing is, this is a highly-respected counsellor. I didn't get any vibe from her other than she was giving me a genuinely informed opinion. I, too, doubt that another woman would get married and have a baby if she still had feelings and hopes for a future with another man.

Regarding the leaving for university, I think he would have thought it a very bad time to leave me, considering DC flying the nest is an emotional time for a parent (well, it was for me, and him actually). Then we knew DC would need ongoing support for the duration of their degree.

They hadn't drifted apart because they were still texting (friendly chat) during lockdown.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/07/2021 14:44

Was there actually an affair? Or you just suspect he may have had feelings for her? Perhaps he didn’t, and nor did she - hence why he didn’t leave and she got married. And it seems a very odd thing for a counsellor to plant in your head on the back of you saying you think your husband might have had feelings for somebody else.

Original poster

newdaynew · 16/07/2021 14:45

@LittleTiger007

Change counsellor. That’s a dreadful thing to plant in your mind. This OW has got married and had a baby. I have a two month old myself and the last thing on my mind is to get together with any old lover! We are building a home, she is building a home and a new life. Thinking this way will serve no purpose but to drive a wedge between you and your husband and drive you insane.

I agree, I would have felt the same when my children were babies. However, they were messaging throughout her pregnancy. Not often, but the fact that they were seems very odd to me, although everyone is different I suppose, but I've never known him to be remotely interested in other people's pregnancy and babies! Following the birth, messages resumed. So she wasn't all-consumed with new husband and baby as much as I would have expected.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 16/07/2021 14:47

OP, have you ever confronted your H about their relationship?

Hellcatspangle · 16/07/2021 15:02

What makes you think he had feelings for her other than being friends?

DistrictCommissioner · 16/07/2021 15:04

Is this all speculation on your part, or do you know they had a sexual/romantic relationship?

FrogWaa · 16/07/2021 15:05

So this was never actually an affair? What are the texts like? I doubt she's biding her time to jump into bed with your husband but that doesn't mean the relationship hasn't gone too far either

stealthninjamum · 16/07/2021 15:11

How old is the ow? It seems implausible to get married and have a baby if she was hoping to end up with your husband but then you see threads on here about people ‘settling’ so maybe she just wanted a baby. Although - as I said before - it sounds unlikely if she did it while wanting your husband.

KylieKoKo · 16/07/2021 15:15

I think referring to as OW seems a bit harsh. You don't say why you think they were in love and if you thought that then why did you not say anything to your husband at the time? Did you even think it at the time or is this something you've decided now when you look back?

Why on earth would she have married and have a child with someone if she was planning on running off with your husband? Even if you were right about years ago why would she have waited if your husband had no plans to leave.

This doesn't really make sense and I'm surprised a counsellor would try and lead you in thinking this.

TreeSmuggler · 16/07/2021 15:17

I suppose she's right in that strange things do happen sometimes, and yes affair partners do reunite occasionally. Charles and Camilla for example.

But is that the most likely situation here? I'd say no. If anything, and I'm not saying it's even this, one or both had a slight crush and they enjoy keeping up the friendship because of this. But that is a long way from them actually sitting down together and deciding "OK I'll go back home for now and you go have a few kids, but we'll be together one day". That wouldn't really happen I don't think.

Kanaloa · 16/07/2021 15:18

Why is it odd that he texted her friendly chat while she was pregnant? And her texting him back doesn’t mean she ‘wasn’t all-consumed with her new husband and baby.’ She was just replying to a friendly text.

It doesn’t sound great, you’re obviously checking his phone to know when he is texting people and to be aware it is ‘friendly chat’ and you suspect him of having an affair with a woman who has married and had a baby with someone else. I don’t think your counsellor is likely to help here as obsessing over whether he did this or did that isn’t helpful. If you don’t trust him and can’t speak to him, the relationship is in trouble somewhere and that needs looking into further.

ElArco · 16/07/2021 15:18

People can just decide the timing is wrong, even though they like each other and move on.

I met someone else at the tail end of a relationship. He was single. We really liked each other but the timing of us being together wasn't right.
In time my relationship ended (nothing to do with my friend) but by then he was engaged. I went to his wedding. The timing was wrong.
And although this repeated further down the line - him divorced, me married, we just 'missed' any opportunity to be together.

It is fine all part of life.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/07/2021 15:22

It doesn’t sound as if she was an OW though?

Counsellors aren’t meant to give you their personal opinions, if she’s suggested your DH and this woman might be putting their lives on hold until they can cement their relationship then it sounds to me as if this has come from you and she’s backed up your assertion.

FWIW I know a woman who had countless affairs while she was with her partner and she married him somewhere in the middle of those affairs, but given you say they were messaging, it doesn’t sound as if this was actually an affair, and labelling her as an OW seems unfair.

Also, if you suspect your husband is biding his time before his escape, why don’t you just leave him? No good can come of living with so much insecurity.

TooWicked · 16/07/2021 15:26

I don’t think for a minute she is, or ever was, the OW.

It sounds like your husband might like her to be though.

But she’s not interested.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/07/2021 15:30

People can just decide the timing is wrong, even though they like each other and move on. Quite. We probably all have one of those where we say “another time, another place….”

TBH I don’t like the fact that more and more often now women who happen to have male friends who happen to be married are branded as OW. Plenty of men and women are friends, it’s perfectly possible. Just because a man texts a female friend doesn’t make her “an OW”.

BlueCupOrangeCup · 16/07/2021 15:40

Ah yes, the well known trick of 'get married and have baby with someone else to keep him on his toes'

It's highly unlikely she's holding a candle for him

WatieKatie · 16/07/2021 16:03

Another vote against them treading water. I find that if a man wants to leave for the OW, he does. Children, the wife, life events really are just a convenient excuse to enable them to string the OW along.

She may not have wanted him full time anyway.

Ohanaa · 16/07/2021 16:35

Was she actually the OW or just a friend ?

Ohanaa · 16/07/2021 16:36

Although I fully believe that people do ‘tread water’ to some degree.

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