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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get in with in laws or just don't bother

14 replies

Problem100 · 16/07/2021 13:03

Myself and DH are together 22 years, married 14 and have 3dc. I have a difficult relationship with his family at times. Sometimes it's good and other times downright awful. I just don't know how to fix it anymore or if I should even bother. Mil seems to get on with my other two sils but not me. Sils also get on. I don't hear anything from them unless I text to see how they are. It's 8 weeks and counting now since I last text and received a reply but nothing from them. I get on with all my family and so does DH and I have lovely life long friends too.

OP posts:
citycitycity · 16/07/2021 13:09

I wouldn’t bother!

SalsaLove · 16/07/2021 13:12

Don’t bother. If you believe you’ve tried and your efforts haven’t been reciprocated then why do any more?

Hawtain86 · 16/07/2021 13:12

I don’t think you can force anything, some people you gel with and others you don’t. I think that’s just something you have to accept. As long as you are nice and make the effort when you are together that’s all you can do. Try not to react to any negativity and try to remain the bigger person! That’s my advice Smile

Original poster
Problem100 · 16/07/2021 13:20

Thanks for replying. There are times when we have all got along and had nights out, dinner parties, weekend away etc but it's always seems to be myself and DH who arrange these things. We were the last to be invited to bil and sil new home and last to see their new baby. I feel they just tolerate us. Sil has booked nephews christening for when I'm away and even said I know problem10 goes to Spain at that time every year so obviously she won't be at christening.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 16/07/2021 13:23

You've tried, but I think it's time to stop making any effort if it's never reciprocated.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/07/2021 13:24

Has your DH said anything to his parents over the years asking why they don't get along with you like they do with their other daughters-in-law? Surely he's noticed it too?

Original poster
Problem100 · 16/07/2021 13:32

Yes DH has brought it up numerous times. My fil is fine with me, its mil that doesn't. His mother brushes it of and doesn't acknowledge it at all. Her favourite line is "I'm not responsible for how problem10 feels". She has really upset me over the years, comments about my weight, how I parent, my home, everything. If I say anything though she says I take everything the wrong way and she didn't mean it that way.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/07/2021 13:36

No point chasing after people that are unpleasant or cold to you.

Focus on your friends and family and let his go hang.

You can be civil at unavoidable occasions, otherwise I'd stop initiating contact entirely.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/07/2021 13:36

Probably best to give up and give them all a wide berth. You're the underdog, the scapegoat, bottom of the pile. Who knows why? You've got other friends. Maybe it's just dh who's not the favourite?

Original poster
Problem100 · 16/07/2021 13:40

@Dillydollydingdong,interesting you say that about DH not being the favourite. He has three other brothers and he has always said that he got it the hardest when they were growing up. Mil also admitted this.
@category12,yes you are right. I need to forget about them but of course be civil when I need to be.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 16/07/2021 13:41

Just don’t bother Op.
I tried with my MIL but we just didn’t get on.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 16/07/2021 13:46

If your DH is on your side, you should focus on your own family and leave your DH to do any "wife work" with his side. Maybe he's their family scapegoat and his brothers are golden children?

My MIL, FIL and BIL have passed away now so just left with SIL (who I overheard dissing me after the first time I met DHs parents so am very wary of her.) I don't think I ever measured up to their "standards" as I was a different nationality. DHs mum once told him there were plenty more fish in the sea after DH and I had a row about something relatively trivial Grin.
Late BIL kept letters from MIL to him dissing me, my parents and my siblings which i found when his family asked me to clear his flat.
PIL were loving grandparents to my DC but awful PIL.

memberofthewedding · 16/07/2021 14:05

Just think about all the threads where someone in your position is lumbered with a MIL who is around without invitation several times a week. Be glad that you dont have that to contend with and keep them on the periphery.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/07/2021 14:20

My advice would be to turn her favourite line back at her - you are not responsible for how she feels. Be as rude as you like to her as it shouldn't matter to her.
She doesn't care about how what she says affects you or how you feel about what she says or does. Mirror that back at her.
She doesn't deserve you to pussyfoot around her. Be brash! Be brazen!! Be bold!!!

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