Resuming contact with sister

[Lerram]

Has anyone successfully gone from NC to back in full contact?

I put up with an increasingly toxic relationship with my sister for years, to avoid upsetting our parents, but after their deaths I went LC and then, after further toxicity, NC with her. No regrets whatsoever. It was great.

Then the pandemic started. Sister lives alone, has fallen out with other members of our extended family and didn't have a large number of friends when I went NC. She had had a fall-out with someone at work and had been moved to a different department a couple of years before I went NC, so I thought it was possible that she might have subsequently lost her job. I was worried she might be one of those people who are found dead months later and it would be all over the papers with comments about "where were her family?"

So I got back in touch to reassure myself she was still working and that somebody would notice if she fell ill / died. She was still in the same job, and was WFH. (She's very good at her job, but has a history of falling out with her colleagues). She was very pleased that we were back in contact, and we've stayed in contact since. It's been mostly, but not always, good. She's quite bitter about me going NC - apparently she hadn't seen it coming. Plus it helped that we were just having short catch-ups, with no chance of meeting (we live 3 hours apart)

I'd be happy to keep things at this level, but she wants us to meet up, spend time together etc. She has a couple of friends, but her social circle is very small and she's quite isolated.

I have said if we meet, it has to be a fresh start and not re-hashing old arguments.

Has anyone successfully gone from NC to happy contact?

I wouldn’t bother I’ve not bothered with mine and I never will, she made her bed she can lie on it.she’s dead to me.

Well yes

And no.

My sis apologised so I gave her another chance

But then tbh, some things happened in the family which again highlighted not only how bad the family let me down, but how she had really twisted the knife at a time when I was at my very lowest ebb

I REALLY really struggled with this last year. It was like it was all the way it was at the time, the pain of them choosing to kick me because I was already down.

So I’ve backed off, still reply to her messages, but won’t instigate them, won’t invite her here (dc are pretty bad tbh) and would never ever have gone to see her anyway.

If Your dsis is still bitter, she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong, so she won’t change

Just say to her that your happy to be in contact, but aren’t ready to make arrangements to meet etc so leave things as they are.

Nobody (well almost nobody) ever cuts off their own family without a good reason.

Have you been to the Stately Homes threads here in Relationships? Can highly recommend

No-one else in the family has let me down, I'm on good terms with everyone else (aunts, uncles, cousins), though physical distance means most of my other family relationships are warm but low-key.

Sis has fallen out with various people at various times, so I suspect that most of the wider family had no idea we were NC, as I didn't mention it to them, and they would have sympathised with me if they'd known.

I wouldn't bother either, it's hard to stay LC with these people. Give an inch, they'll want a mile.

Do only what suits you

You have the support if you need it. I was on my own. My mother is a covert narcissist.

Trust your instincts here

I'd be happy to keep things at this level, but she wants us to meet up, spend time together etc.

Never mind what she wants, if you are happy with things being remote and occasional then keep it at that.

You don’t even need to tell her that you’re not going to meet up, just when she suggests it “that’s not convenient at the moment”, “it’s a rather busy time at the moment” or “I’m being cautious about socialising, I would prefer that we messaged each other”. Don’t say sorry or “I’m afraid I can’t…” etc. After a while I would hope she’ll tail off the requests to meet.

Keep things as they are for now.

It is good that you are back in touch but it is understandable that you are cautious.

I'd also be cautious.

I reinstated contact with my older sister when she had a baby because I cared that she got on ok.

But our family is abusive and I am the scapegoat. Sure enough, my sister started the old behaviour and I received some 3am swearing messages. When I stood up for myself, I got a royal mouthful for it.

I ended up feeling stupid for having thought it would be different. It was a nasty blast from the past which I regret and I have vowed to never speak to her again.

From what you say, your sister has needs and boundary issues. Has she changed? It doesn't seem like it. You can tell already.

I'd be VERY wary.

I don't think she's changed, but a lot of the toxicity was around a situation which has changed.

I didn't challenge her while our mother was alive because I didn't want to upset Mum. But I'd feel more confident about challenging her now; Mum's death changed everything. I do wonder if I'd been more robust when Mum was alive if I could have stopped our relationship from disintegrating.

Also, sister now knows that I've gone NC once and could do so again.