I'm so hurt

[sothereisthat]

I'm really upset at the way my husband talks to me sometimes. When we met 10 years ago, I was very thin (eating disorder). I had a baby a few years ago who is very very hard work, and I'm medicated for my mental health which can be quite poor and the meds work well mostly but made me gain weight, I am now 44, 13.5 stone and about 5'7" so not really bad but still not great. I can't come off the meds or reduce them on medical advice. I do eat lots of sweets, ice cream, I guess it's medicating with food, comfort eating because my child is so very demanding and I am very tired mentally.
Husband is himself severely obese but still takes it upon himself to critique my looks. He refuses to have sex with me, happens about twice or three times a year and not now since January. He cheated on me using hookup apps around six years ago before we had a child. I don't think it's repeated but it ruined my confidence and he does nothing to help - I'm not supposed to mention it 'after all this time'. He says he won't have sex because I am always 'in a bad mood' but I don't think I am. I am often tired. He won't cook or do housework, ever, or even clean up any mess he or our child might make. I stopped even bothering to ask.
My husband (aged 42) looks at very skinny models in their 20's online, has joined up for their Patreons in the past, talks about how attractive this person or that is, and last night I snapped and said well, if you want that then please leave and find someone who looks like that. He told me "I can't because people that look like that only accept other attractive people".
So I guess I am now just a cleaner and a cook for him. I feel really sad and upset but he thinks there is nothing wrong with telling me these horrid things and acts completely normal to me this morning like I should just accept it.
I wonder if I am being 'too sensitive' of if he's projecting or if I should make more effort but with my child and mental health sometimes just getting by day to day wipes me out.
Thanks.

Why are you with him?

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything from this relationship. He's not treating you with kindness, love or respect. Why would you stay with him?

First, we live in his country. Second, I don't have financial means, he refuses to leave the house, my child is happy here and I don't want to break his heart by taking him away from the great school and life he enjoys here. So if I could stay married, that would be ideal but it's quite difficult, really.

My health and child makes working very hard and I am not very proficient in the local language.

Why are you allowing him to crumble your self esteem like this- he sounds vile. If you can find the strength, and I know it’s hard, get well away, you might be amazed at how much your life (and even mental health) improves without the negativity and resentment of living with such a nasty bastard.

For what it’s worth, ‘people like that’ aren’t always only interested in other v. attractive people; I’d find it hard not to tell him it would be his idiot personality that they’d find more of a turn off.

Another side of it is, your son will grow up watching your relationship and think this is how you treat women. You both deserve so much better, he could be projecting but when it comes down to it he has no respect for you, and I'm 100% certain he would treat any partner like that , skinny or not x I wish you the best OP

You're right, resentment is the exact word. It's dreadful, to think that, but I do. He thinks we can 'save the marriage' as long as I change. Stop complaining or being in a bad mood, ever, it seems. I have asked him to change also, but he is not interested in that perspective.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds very difficult. It’s no life and you need to find some friends and a support network so that you can eventually escape this horrid man. Is there any way you can get back to your own country? If not straight away, then start making plans. Little by little. Make friends and maybe get a job. Having a plan will give you hope and a purpose. Don’t just accept that this is your life forever, you deserve better.

I could get back to the UK fairly easily logistically, though goodness knows where we would live, but my son has a really great life here and I wouldn't want to take him away from it. I really feel that would be wrong. So perhaps trying to solve the issue or just tolerate it would be best - sounds awful and it really is, but my husband is not 'actively abusive', as long as I shut up and cook and clean, all is well! Of course. So as a mother perhaps I must make this sacrifice and just survive. I don't know.

Your child will grow up believing that this is normal. It's not. You don't deserve this. Your husband is an arse.

@sothereisthat

But your son will witness how you are treated and will know you're not happy. He might have a great life and school there, but this can seriously psychologically damage him to see his mum unhappy. He might also copy your partner and thinks it is acceptable to treat women like this.

Would you want this for him?

If you stay, your son will grow up thinking that the way his father treats his mother is ok. Browse through MN and you will easily find women who made the ‘sacrifice’, whose children abuse them using the same language they learnt from their father growing up.

I understand wanting to hide in the familiar but the long term effects of that strategy will damage your child, the relationship you have with them and rob you of the opportunity to raise your son in a non toxic environment. There are no time machines or do over opportunities in the future.

I'm sorry but what would be wrong is to bring your son up in this sort of abusive environment. And although you say it's not abusive, it is exactly that. He will emulate what he's learnt in childhood.

Your husband sounds vile and you are not "too sensitive" and he is "not projecting". He's a vile bully. End of

You know @sothereisthat, if you're not happy, your son really doesn't have a great life. Children are so much more perceptive to their parents' feelings than we think they are.

If you can get back to the UK with your son then do that, could you stay with family? Leave that man though, he’s a knob

Is there no English speaking community in the country? Ex-pat group for that area on Mumsnet?

What are the divorce laws like, would you be able to leave and then get enough to live on?
Would you need to stay married to stay in the country?
Your son might be happier with a happier mum. Your own mental health may well take a turn for the better too.
You might need to work towards it for a while but you will probably be able to get out if you make sure you have all the information.

So if he's not attractive enough for the thin models, he should have no problem with you being "fat and unattractive"... in his warped ridiculous world, you deserve each other, no? You could tell him if you lost weight and became more like a 20 year old model you'd be off with someone else, wouldn't you, because everything works on an objective scale of beauty that everyone knows about. Or tell him he has to lose weight to be more attractive to you because you might be a 5/10 and his models are 10/10 but he is 3/10 so needs to improve by 3 Important Improvement Points.

Or you could save your breath and leave him, find a way to do it and get support, and probably see a significant improvement in your own mental health.

Taking a wild guess here - he doesn't pull his weight with the baby & expects you to do all the housework?

Your husband is vile. He cheated. He criticises you. You have no sex life. He is lazy. He thinks he's better than you. He blames you for his problems. He then has the cheek to say you're the one who has to change for your marriage to work.

He is arrogant, entitled, bullying. I don't know how you can bare to be with him.

And I can't imagine the damage this is doing to your son. He will likely take on some or all of his dad's characteristics and so won't have healthy relationships as an adult.

If you can possibly leave with your DS I believe it would be better for you both. I think you'll find your health (physical and mental) will improve enourmously, and you will be much much happier.

Please don't throw away your life for this monster.

Your 'partner' sounds absolutely disgusting. What an entitled dickhead, with absolutely no self awareness.

You sound lovely, OP. I hope you manage to find a way out of this situation because you deserve much better. Do you have any family or friends you can rely on for support? At the least, can you take out more time for yourself? You sound busy and tired, and not always putting your needs first.