DO SOME OF YOU HAVE AMAZING RELATIONSHIPS? I’ve lost hope

[Lila1990]

Hello! I have recently posted here “partner massively lied about all his sexual past” and I am now single and quite demotivated about men in general. Yesterday I’ve been out with my “serial short relationships 3 months max” gorgeous close friend who usually change men very often and she’s unable to find a good guy. She kept talking hours about the last crazy experience she had with some men and as always they were quite shocking and made me realise how so many of them are untrustworthy. I remember when she used to tell me these stories and I was with my ex and I was just thinking “thank God I’m not single and dating and I’ve got this wonderful guy!” And here I am again in the very hated dating business. Today I started seeing a therapist and at one point she said that basically almost all men cheat and they do this mainly to boost their ego plus they can disconnect sex to love.

To be honest I really feel sick hearing these stories and statements…. I’m hating the dating so much I cannot even describe. I don’t mind being single but I absolutely loved being in a relationship as I’m a very affectionate person and I love coming home and cuddling with someone, watching movies and do all things together. It’s just how I am.. I feel so sad and miss all of this with my ex and miss so much the person he was before knowing about all the lies he told me.

Do ANY of you have amazing drama free relationships with their partners or is just a lost cause and a hopeless dream to achieve ?

Thank you

If your therapist actually said that, get a new one.

Ditch the therapist! She won't help you!

I'm one of the lucky ones I guess. I met hubby when I was a teenager. Been married 23 years. We are still so in love. It's wonderful. He's not perfect, but nor am I.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Agree - that is an awful thing for a therapist to say!

I met DH at Uni, we've been together for over 21years & married for nearly 16. We have our issues, but trust each other, love each other & are still passionate (when time allows) despite having two small DC.

It is possible to have a good, caring, loving relationship.

I would suggest a different therapist.
DP and I will have been together 10 years next month, we met at 17 at a time when every boy I’d ever met was only after sex and I honestly believed I’d never connect and settle down with anyone. He proved me wrong immediately and is honestly the nicest, kindest most genuine person I know. He plays football every Saturday and brings mud into the house, he’s always leaving shoes and things lying around, but he cooks, cleans, is absolutely lovely with our baby DS, never hides his feelings and is my best mate. I wouldn’t change him for the world.
I know it’s tough but try not to give up. Sending you and I hope you get a few more positive stories to make you feel a bit more positive about things.

Your therapist has major issues.

Loads of people have happy relationships. If they try and post about them on this board they’re torn to shreds for being smug, told this is for unhappy relationships and that their spouse is probably cheating but they don’t yet know it. It’s highly unrepresentative.

I do! We're very happy together, and he makes me feel adored every day. We're very affectionate towards each other, and even with a toddler, a baby, and one on the way, we still excite each other

The only catch? I had to wait a long time to meet my wonderful husband. I was 37 when we met, although we were married within months. And we're part of a faith group where the vast majority of weddings are between under-25s.

Don't give up hope.

It’s easy to get demotivated when you see how many men are awful!

FWIW my relationship has not been without it’s drama, but actually cheating isn’t high on my worry list.

For me, I’ve got to a place where I know I’d be fine without him, so I don’t worry about whether he may or may not cheat because if he did, well thats his loss! He’d be an idiot. And who wants to be with an idiot?!

We are both very loving and affectionate, build each other up and make each other feel special, so I don’t worry about him looking elsewhere because I’m confident in what he gets from me and that he wouldn’t get anything more elsewhere. I don’t mean being a “cool girl” and making it all about him, we give mutually.

Most affairs seem to happen, not because there’s necessarily something very wrong with the relationship, but because the other person makes them feel ‘seen’ and valued when their partner is distant or distracted (often for good reason).

If you make sure to both make each other feel seen and valued your relationship is less vulnerable to one of you cheating. And if you do get distracted by life then hopefully your relationship can weather the storm because you’ve banked up lots of love and trust.

I don’t think it’s exclusively men who cheat - I think often women may not physically cheat, but they do have their heads turned and compare their partner unfavourably to other men just as often.

I don’t consider myself a cheat. But when I was married to my ex I didn’t feel valued, he didn’t seem to want to spend time with me and our DCs, but I had a male friend who DID want to spend time with us, so I ended up with a big crush on him. Nothing happened but it has made me realise that even those of us who think cheating is awful can be swayed to fantasise about a better life with someone else when we feel invisible and it’s not a huge leap from that to actually cheating.

Esther Perel has some good TED talks about infidelity which might help you to work through some things. She gives an interesting insight into infidelity and how to rebuild afterwards. I’m sure a lot of that would be useful for you to hear before starting a new relationship.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your therapist has major issues.

Loads of people have happy relationships. If they try and post about them on this board they’re torn to shreds for being smug, told this is for unhappy relationships and that their spouse is probably cheating but they don’t yet know it. It’s highly unrepresentative.

That’s quite sad really! It’s good to read some nice stories sometimes. Actually I think is essential for me at the moment

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

It’s easy to get demotivated when you see how many men are awful!

FWIW my relationship has not been without it’s drama, but actually cheating isn’t high on my worry list.

For me, I’ve got to a place where I know I’d be fine without him, so I don’t worry about whether he may or may not cheat because if he did, well thats his loss! He’d be an idiot. And who wants to be with an idiot?!

We are both very loving and affectionate, build each other up and make each other feel special, so I don’t worry about him looking elsewhere because I’m confident in what he gets from me and that he wouldn’t get anything more elsewhere. I don’t mean being a “cool girl” and making it all about him, we give mutually.

Most affairs seem to happen, not because there’s necessarily something very wrong with the relationship, but because the other person makes them feel ‘seen’ and valued when their partner is distant or distracted (often for good reason).

If you make sure to both make each other feel seen and valued your relationship is less vulnerable to one of you cheating. And if you do get distracted by life then hopefully your relationship can weather the storm because you’ve banked up lots of love and trust.

I don’t think it’s exclusively men who cheat - I think often women may not physically cheat, but they do have their heads turned and compare their partner unfavourably to other men just as often.

I don’t consider myself a cheat. But when I was married to my ex I didn’t feel valued, he didn’t seem to want to spend time with me and our DCs, but I had a male friend who DID want to spend time with us, so I ended up with a big crush on him. Nothing happened but it has made me realise that even those of us who think cheating is awful can be swayed to fantasise about a better life with someone else when we feel invisible and it’s not a huge leap from that to actually cheating.

Esther Perel has some good TED talks about infidelity which might help you to work through some things. She gives an interesting insight into infidelity and how to rebuild afterwards. I’m sure a lot of that would be useful for you to hear before starting a new relationship.

Hi! I liked to hear your point of view, and I will definitely have a look into this Esther.. I enjoy reading relationships stuff as well I find it interesting. In my case, I think I had a big trauma with infidelity when I was a child, as my dad was cheating a lot and I’d see my mum crying very often.. sometimes she would get into my bed at night and cry. I have seen my dad flirting with 100000 of women in front of me as well. That’s why, when I meet a man, I tend to ask inquisitive questions like how his sexual past was or if he ever cheated. I think this is a defensive mechanism, if someone told me he DID cheat and he had sex with a lot of women then I don’t give him another date I feel doing this I lower my possibility of being cheated in the future. I am not saying that what I do is necessarily right… I am just so scared of being with a man like my dad who is the biggest womaniser. I wish I was more relaxed about it instead is my biggest fear

Just be aware OP that one persons amazing relationship is another persons dull as ditchwater and another persons ‘ok’ you might think was amazing. Be very aware what ‘amazing’ is to you and it might help you not drag out ‘ok’ relationships if you want ‘amazing’ — hope that makes sense!!

I’m very happily married but I had some absolutely horrendous experiences with partners before I met him. In hindsight, I was choosing men who were all like my dad, but telling myself that they were completely different just because of appearances. Someone told me that if I kept picking the same sort of men, I’d keep having the same sort of problems, and it was an absolute lightbulb moment. After a lot of work, I realised that I was afraid of commitment because of my dad, so I was picking men like him because I was familiar with them. I knew they were safe because they’d never commit to me. So I’d have a whale of a time, then years of misery, then onto the next one.

In no way am I suggesting that this is what you’re doing. But it was what I was doing and nothing changed until I did.

Both your parents taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and that legacy has remained with you into how you conduct your relationships with men now.

It all needs to be unlearnt and undone through therapy but not with that therapist you are currently seeing. That person needs to be binned and also reported if they are a member of the BACP. Find a BACP registered therapist, these people are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

You're likely also subconsciously drawn to men like your dad because its familiar to you. We also learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you.

Are your parents still together?.

I think what Attila says is very likely to be true. Before I married my DH of 30 years, I had several longer term relationships. Not one ever cheated on me, nor has my DH. My dad was married to my mum for 60 years before her death. I am as certain as I can be that he never cheated (I believe he would have told me if he had and there was never any sign of it.)

You need to learn to recognise the signs of someone who could turn out to be a cheat. For example, I was always suspicious of the overly charming type. I would feel attracted but instinctively not trust them. No one told me this, I just somehow knew.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You're likely also subconsciously drawn to men like your dad because its familiar to you. We also learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you.

Are your parents still together?.

Yes my parents are still together after so many years! At one point few years ago my mum left my dad for another man and she basically left the house for few months. My dad was very depressed and obsessed with her and talking bad about her to us he couldn’t understand how she could have done that! I was totally on my mum side and told him that it was about time she finally started to think about her business a bit after all the cheating he did ! In the end my mum came back with my dad and suddenly my dad changed and he is very loyal now…. Well it took like 40 years though and he’s loyal just because he’s old and probably cannot perform in bed anymore

Anyway, I love them both but definitely don’t want a relationship like theirs

Yes. I am not lucky in many ways in my life but meeting DP 3 years ago has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Many said it would not last as he was only months out of a long term marriage but it has and it just gets stronger by the day. He is so kind, loving, funny and I just adore him.

@SGBK4862

I think what Attila says is very likely to be true. Before I married my DH of 30 years, I had several longer term relationships. Not one ever cheated on me, nor has my DH. My dad was married to my mum for 60 years before her death. I am as certain as I can be that he never cheated (I believe he would have told me if he had and there was never any sign of it.)

You need to learn to recognise the signs of someone who could turn out to be a cheat. For example, I was always suspicious of the overly charming type. I would feel attracted but instinctively not trust them. No one told me this, I just somehow knew.

My ex in fact (if you see my other post “partner massively lied on all his past”) he is really overly charming ! He is not super handsome (just a normal guy) but he could get anything when he talks… I always told him he could sell a photography book to a blind person! In fact, he’s doing a job where he needs to sell and he’s EXTREMELY good at it. (By the way if you see previous post he didn’t cheat on me - at least that I know - but massively lied about his past plus cheated on all his exes although he was very young when he was with them). I just don’t know… I feel that my ex would have been the PERFECT candidate to cheat on me in the future and I have decided to leave him even if he was such a good boyfriend to me. I just had this gut feeling plus all the lies I discovered… I hope I did right

No.. all men do not cheat. There are good men out in the world. You have to understand dating is a numbers game. I know it’s not pleasant, but when you meet the right person you will be happy.

You have to find someone who has the same or similar life goals. If you’re career and family oriented then you need to find a man with the same goals.

But, really you just have to find interesting ways to meet someone. Local clubs, maybe at your gym and sporting events? These might be good places to meet someone nice.

There are really nice men in the world. Don’t give up and don’t listen to the negative talk that “all men cheat”. My husband has never cheated and would never cheat. Nor would anyone in my family cheat. And it is not common everywhere like people think.

It’s not socially acceptable. Of course people do it, but it should be looked down upon.

But you definitely can meet a nice man who is going to have some honour.

My marriage is not a “fairy tale” meaning my husband is not romantic. At all. He buys very practical gifts. I rarely get flowers. But he’s a good man and very kind and caring and we love one another.

You will meet a nice man and you will back on all the not so nice men and appreciate him even more.

But not all men cheat. And you really shouldn’t listen to anyone who says this. It’s a very negative outlook to have when you’re looking for a partner.

I met my husband at 37, having also despaired of meeting anyone decent.

I have a friend who always seemed to get cheaters, and I never did (though of course you never know). Instead of quizzing them about their past (which can be fabricated) observe their behaviour. My friend loved guys who would overboard praise her looks, blag tickets to events, etc eg guys who had 'the gift of the gab', these guys left me cold, as they essentially weren't truthful. The guys I liked barely complimented me, but were very stable loyal etc.

I would also hate dating! I met my DH at a sports club which was much lower stakes!

I should add that my husband is great!

Off the back of this.. anyone met anyone layer in life and had dc?