He's moved out - Emotional Affair continued..

[ChiChi16]

So he's still staying in a local hotel, this is his 4th week. I tried to keep a little contact with him for the sake of my daughter and also because I still care about him. But he is full of rage with me and has asked me to not call him anymore - which I have done.
Where has the rage come from? He is going back to old arguments we had over 20 years ago and telling me my behaviour is the reason he was talking to other women and then eventually fell in love with a 24 year old in another country who he has never met!
He said his actions (talking to OW) was in reaction to me arguing with him (he says i used to only cook once a month, never hoovered the house, worked long hours, didn't try for another child etc....)I think he has rewritten the past to suit him and he wont listen to me saying my actions were a result of him speaking to OW behind my back....its a catch 22 and he just blames it all on me!
Does the anger go? Will he ever speak to me without hate?
He still wants to come back home to live in the spare room but we lead separate lives - I've told him this can't happen.
My friends say this is a classic mid-life crisis but until his anger for me goes, we will never be able to speak again. Is this correct?

Sorry you are going through this op how awful for you.
It's a Harvard one to navigate isn't it.
I can sympathise somewhat as my ex husband of 20 years just blamed me for everything when he left and I mean everything and all I had ever done was support him .
Dont contact him for now as hard as it is let him get in with it I'm afraid.

Leave him totally alone. If he needs to be with his daughter he will contact you about that. He is angry for many things including his predicament now. Your job is to get on with your life now and forge ahead. Of course you still care but be careful that doesn’t lead to guilt as you will make bad decisions then. Let him go off the boil for a while then discuss what’s next in your separation and where he will move to after the hotel.

This is a thing that men seem to do when they've fucked up this way.

My theory is that they have to somehow reconcile their own view of them as 'a good guy' with knowing they've done something morally bankrupt. They have to persuade themselves it was justified in some way, which they do by re-writing history and claiming victim status.

I have seen this a lot of times before.

You don't have to entertain any of what he wants now (and no, he absolutely can't stay in the same house as you!). Time will see to the rest.

It's so tough. I'm sorry

It's a version of The Script. Blaming you is textbook.
Also, he is a cunt.

How weird. How can he be 'in love' with someone he has never met? That's ridiculous.

You should be the one full of rage.
He's re writing history to suit his story.
I would be ignoring him.
Don't give him the power to upset you

There really is no need to be in contact with him is there really, just try to get on with your life at the moment.

He is angry because you have put a stop to his little game.

You won't dance to his tune and do what he says.

He is rewriting history so he can tell himself this is all on you, he had to cheat, because you were such an awful wife and mother.

He of course was the golden boy who did no wrong.

Also he is a cunt

Like everyone else has said, he has to blame you to make himself feel better about what he has done.

Ignore him dont speak to him the reality is if you were such a bad wife and mother and he is soo innocent and a victim he wouldn't have left the child unsupervised with you

And anyone who has eyes can see this

File for divorce too dont wait for him it might seem premature but he needs to know your not tolerating him anymore

We all rewrite history to some extent. Human nature. But it doesn't mean you have to accept any behaviour you're not happy with. No point trying to engage with him, explain or justify anything. He won't take it on board and it just gives his arguments more oxygen. Define how you want to live and if he falls outside those parameters, tell him you've moved on.

What everyone else said.

He needs to believe (and for others to believe) that he was a victim and you've treated him badly, so it wasn't his fault. Pathetic isn't it.

Of course you know the truth. He is multiplying the insult of the affair by gaslighting now.

He only cares about his own reputation / life comforts. Not you.

If you capitulate and let him move back in he will see that as a message that you've forgiven him / accepted it was your fault.

And he won't change his behaviour. He will be the same person (untrustworthy gaslighter) but worse - because he'll also know he can get away with it.

www.chumplady.com/

Have a read of this website OP

I really think you should stop communicating with him, your willingness to talk shows him you still care and he can get away with this behaviour without consequenses. Is he still communicating with this OW from this local hotel?

This is a man who has shown no remorse, you will never get him to atone for his sins, it is pointless. Why play his game of turning everthing back onto you.

He is in the wrong, don't give him air space.
Tell him you never realised how pathetic his is, how you ended up with a loser and how he now repulses you.

Thank him for exposing his real self and tell him to fuck off.

He is punishing and pushing you away so you try to claw him back, all part and parcel of his game of staying in control, he knows how insecure you are at the moment and is relying on that to scare you into submission.

I know it's hard but this guy's a cunt, he really is, he shouldn't be in anybodys life, a real nasty individual.

You are too good for him, he is trying to convince you that you are not.

DH was on the verge of an EA last year. We have always been close so I picked up on the different vibes quickly, did the digging and confronted him. It was tough but at no point did I accept the blame. I have never needed to be with DH , our relationship has always been based on wanting to be together. After 30 years it has forced us to examine where we want to go but after a tough year we are still together.
He has tried the “script” but I am a very calm person and was quick to point out his tactic. I frequently remind him that as he caused it he has to fix it. Talking has helped, it’s something we have always been able to do.
I think if it hadn’t been during a pandemic then it wouldn’t have happened ( boredom and over engagement in social media)

Sorry posted too soon.
OP you are in a different position, your DH is still in fantasy mode. His EA is virtual so can be everything and anything to him but never real. Hopefully he’s not being catfishes because that may cause financial problems. Don’t feed his fantasy ie that you are the wicked witch and OW is Snow White. If you can minimise contact and stonewall him. Once he realises that Snow White isn’t coming to his rescue he may come to his senses and you can both move forward together or apart.

I think the blame is his way of justifying his own behaviour and avoiding responsibility for it. he doesn’t have to feel bad or address his behaviour if it’s your fault.