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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it still going on?

17 replies

ellie8652 · 15/07/2021 15:23

Hi everybody! I've been a longtime lurker but know I'm in need of good advice so thought I'd bite the bullet and post.

I caught my husband cheating three years ago. I didn't catch them physically at my, I'm ashamed to say I checked his phone because I had a gut feeling.

Fast forward three years, we now also have a baby.

I thought we were doing ok. Usual ups and downs but nothing major. Going through the motions at some points.

The other night I went to get the laptop. We are sharing at the moment because mine is in to get fixed and I needed to look something up and his LinkedIn was still open. He looked HER up. They aren't connected, but still. He was obviously intrigued enough to have a look.
So here is where I probably sound crazy but maybe you guys would have done the same if you were in my position. When he went to bed, I checked his phone.
Her number was there, but it would seem she has either blocked or deleted his contact as it's just the grey circle with no photo?
This actually enraged me even more, so along with looking her up on LinkedIn, the fact he has kept her number even though she has either blocked or deleted him!
I haven't confronted him yet, thought I'd check in here first so I know I'm not crazy in thinking he is planning on reaching out to her again!?

OP posts:
something2say · 15/07/2021 16:42

These are your issues with him.

My question to you is why did you proceed to have a baby with him when he had revealed himself to be a poor choice? You arent going to change him, but you can start to safeguard yourself xx

Original poster
ellie8652 · 15/07/2021 16:43

@something2say i felt like we were better and that it was the next step in our marriage. Do you think he will contact her again?

OP posts:
layladomino · 15/07/2021 16:44

I don't think that looking someone up on online in itself means you're interested in pursuing someone. I am happily married and have looked up ex bfs from the dim and distant. Same as I've looked up old work colleagues, school friends, distant family I haven't seen in ages etc. It's nosiness at how they 'turned out' more than anything else. (Please be assured I don't make a regular habit of it Smile).

So if this was an old girlfrend from 20 years ago I'd say it's likely innocent. The difference is this is someone who he cheated with, and only 3 years ago. If that were me, and you'd forgiven me, then out of respect I wouldn't act on any temptation to look them up - even it was an idle 'I wonder what they're doing now'.

Do you feel able to talk to him about it? Mention that you opened the laptop and saw he was looking at her profile - why?

seensome · 15/07/2021 16:50

To answer your question yes it's quite possible he would try and contact her or follow her on social media. Looking her up isn't a great sign, he's thinking about her unfortunately. I would probably ask him why he feels the need to search for her still and if she's not interested I would wonder who else could catch his eye, is this life you want to be always feeling anxious about him.

Original poster
ellie8652 · 15/07/2021 16:51

@layladomino you're right if it was an ex from years ago then I wouldn't be as bothered. To be honest, I'm more concerned about the number because I think that's a really personal thing to have?

OP posts:
workshy44 · 15/07/2021 17:05

He never fully cut ties. You need to face the fact that he definitely still has feelings her her..
I can't fathom why you had a child with him. Whatever about staying if you had kids together and you are totally financially dependent.
You sound young so my advise would be to get out now. it is never going to get better. You will never be able to trust him and if it isn't her it will be someone else, eventually
if he was truly remorseful he wouldn't have kept her number
If she has blocked him it is likely she dumped him and he is only with you by default. I wouldn't be anyone's backup !

Original poster
ellie8652 · 16/07/2021 12:59

@workshy44 what if he says he has no intention of contacting her? I'm not crazy in thinking that's BS right?

OP posts:
Bjarnum · 16/07/2021 13:14

Of course it's BS! Why keep the number?

lexocet · 16/07/2021 13:14

Just for clarification, is her number still in his contacts - address book - or are you talking about WhatsApp?

Original poster
ellie8652 · 16/07/2021 13:15

@Bjarnum I'm in agreement, I just didn't want to be blindsided..I've had the notes section on my phone open most of the morning, trying to think why it's still there and I can only think of one

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie8652 · 16/07/2021 13:18

@lexocet I didn't check I just did a quick test on my phone though so if you delete a contact through your address book, it deletes in WhatsApp and if you delete contact through your WhatsApp..it also deletes from your address book aswell. Hope that makes sense

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 16/07/2021 13:19

I think it’s normal to look up exes on social media. I sometimes do it even with exes I don’t like at all. If there were recent messages or attempts to reconnect that would be different.

Original poster
ellie8652 · 16/07/2021 13:20

@Lunettesloupes oh I agree and I have looked up and old boyfriend before..but I didn't have an affair with him.

Also I gently disagree with your point..if there are no msgs then why keep her number?

OP posts:
lexocet · 16/07/2021 13:24

It would be usual for a truly remorseful partner to delete the details completely from their phone, although I have heard of issues with WhatsApp where you can still access the number even if you've deleted the contact from your phone? I haven't tested that myself.

feeficken · 16/07/2021 15:59

Let's just clarify something here the guy didn't look up an EX he looked up a woman he had an affair with, its a completely different scenario and one that I quite honestly find pretty shitty on his part. The op has clearly put her trust back into her husband and thought that their marriage has recovered enough to decide to have a baby with him and I I think questioning the op choice to do that is a pretty poor response, life after an affair when the couple choose to continue their marriage doesn't get put on hold forever.

@ellie8652 I am sorry you found that your husband has been looking up the OW, let's be honest its not great, I am sure its triggered a lot of those horrible feelings you had before when you first found out about his cheating and from your posts it looks like your needing some reassurance. I wish I could give you that but only your husband can do that. Your husband should have removed the OW contact details completely in his phone, from social media, from email contact lists etc etc and been completely transparent about this.

I hope your okay and that things work out, good luck.

Original poster
ellie8652 · 16/07/2021 16:07

@feeficken thank you that was a really sweet message - yes it had triggered me a lot because im starting to question myself on even the basic things. Common sense would tell me the only reason her number is in his phone is to get in contact with her i just want to make sure I'm not being stupid I'm thinking this

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 16/07/2021 16:11

I had an affair several years ago unknowingly. He was separated when we started seeing one another but got back with his wife and ‘forgot’ to tell me.

Anyway I blocked him on WhatsApp etc however I still see that he looks me up on a LinkedIn every so often however he has never attempted to contact me. Not that I would respond.

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