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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend affair

17 replies

horseshay · 15/07/2021 11:43

Finding this situation veryhard.
Friend cheated on her oh and left him and kids. Now living with new guy.
Kids stay with her part wk and she is happy.
I pretend to be happy for her but my oh almost left me after long relationship and it was devastating. No one except one relative in my life knows unless oh told anyone. The lady he is still friends with knows😰. This is humiliating as he went out for day with her and thats when all this happened. I cry secretly every day as it was such a shock. We stayed together but when I look at my friend who I never thought would do this to her family and also my oh who was going to leave me it's like I don't know these people anymore.
My oh thinks we ok but relationship is broken for me. I am with him but the relationship I had is gone and obviously has to be different as it is damaged and I still can't get my head around why. He broke my ❤️ and I always was 100 percent for him.
Two people who I thought were decent have turned into something I don't like.
I feel disappointed in both of them I suppose.
How do I cope with all of this?

OP posts:

Livandme · 15/07/2021 11:55

The issue is not your friends affair. It's just brought your feeling to the surface.
You haven't dealt with your oh's affair. Is he still in contact with the ow?
If your relationship is broken you need to either finish it or decide to fix it by open and honest communication and counselling.

Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 11:59

I'm so sorry horsehay.

Your friend's 'defection' has brought all the heartache you suffered back to the surface and that is what you may need to deal with. Couples counselling is sometimes helpful if both parties are committed to making their relationship work.

Regarding your friend, no matter how well we know someone we don't know all the details of their marriage so please don't judge her too harshly. However I can imagine how it makes you feel.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2021 12:06

How do I cope with all of this?

Stop living a lie. Stop trying to pretend you are ok when you're not. Tell your partner how fucking angry you are.

The lady he is still friends with knows - do you mean the woman he had a affair with? He absolutely cannot be friends with her if he wants to stay with you.

Original poster

horseshay · 15/07/2021 12:15

He is still in contact as they are friends and she denies relationship just friends and has husband.
She has never met me but she remains friends with my oh and knows I was concerned with him saying he didn't want to be with me after I confronted him when he went out for the day with her.
We have talked a lot about this but the fact that they still have contact and a affair is denied by both it is very hard for me.
It makes me seem neurotic/needy so just have to deal with my insecurity myself.
I feel really disallusioned with people and have felt very low which does go away but today the low feeling is very much there.
If I open the conversation up yet again I think he will be done as we have talked about things a lot previously.
He's not the one that was going to be dumped though so he has the upper hand.
I feel really tearful today.
Sorry just having a bad day. I can't get my head around how someone who I thought was my bestie said he didn't want to be with me before. It's so unfair to treat someone you love like that just because they ask you where you've been when not where you said you were.
I am pretty confident he is faithful at mo but wish this lady wasn't in background.
Something about her bothers me

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2021 13:50

Your instincts are telling you the truth. This is what is making you so unhappy and uneasy. He is still seeing her and he says there is nothing you can do about it. You would be wise to walk away, this life will never make you happy.

What is your situation re housing, children, jobs, etc? There are a lot of women on this board with fantastic knowledge who can help you make the separation.

Hold you head up high, tell him you are worth more than what he has to offer and walk away from the drama. Staying will only make you more miserable.

A man who does not respect you does not love you. Look at his actions, not his words.

IamThrough · 15/07/2021 14:14

He's not the one that was going to be dumped though so he has the upper hand.
You don't have to let him be that though - you can be the one to dump him - and lots of women in your situation would do exactly that.
You say you've talk about it a lot - but on the other hand it sounds like your OH is still denying the affair (If I've understood correctly?). How do the conversations go? Is he open about what happened - has he genuinely made steps to make amends?

Or does he gaslight you - tell you it was all nothing - or worse tell you it was somehow your fault?
I think I'd be super suspicious too if they are still in contact and are friends.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2021 14:23

Why did he tell you he was somewhere else when he spent the day with her?

Let me guess, he knew that you would not like it.

That's NOT a reason to lie OP, that's a reason to not do it in the first place.

hardboiledeggs · 15/07/2021 14:28

Your DP is treating you terribly, you are not over it and obviously still very hurt. Your friends actions are bad, you are right to feel upset but she's not the main problem, your DP is. Please look after yourself and forget everyone else.

Original poster

horseshay · 15/07/2021 14:56

He tells me there wasn't an affair with her and nothing happened and it was just a mad moment when he went out for day with her and lied about where he was and a mistake and he wasn't thinking right at the time.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2021 16:03

@horseshay

That is the standard answer for someone having an affair.

No-one accidentally lies. It was intentional, not a mistake.

How did you find out?

Dozer · 15/07/2021 16:07

So your partner didn’t end contact with the OW he considered leaving you for - and told you this! - is still having (at the v least) an emotional affair?

Why are you still in the relationship?

layladomino · 15/07/2021 16:07

Whether or not he is telling the truth (and the chances are that he is not telling you the full truth) it's OK to not be OK with it.

Your OH went for a day out with another woman and lied to you about it. Has he explained what he hoped to achieve? Would he be happy if you went for a day out with another man and lied about it?

It seems as though your trust is broken and your relationship won't be the same again. For your own sake I suggest you think about moving on. Otherwise you won't be truly happy and will probably just get more resentful and sad over time, until there's nothing left of the relationship.

If you leave, you could be happily single, and maybe meet someone else who makes you the centre of his world and doesn't sneak off on days out with other women.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2021 16:16

Men don't spend days out with women unless they are sexually interested in them. If she was an actual friend you would know her, be friendly with her and he wouldn't lie about spending time with her behind your back.

They have most probably had sex and the affair is still ongoing right under your nose. If he doesn't want to be honest about it just take it into your own hands and say 'You know what, I don't care why you did it, I don't care why you are still friends with her, I don't want to listen to any more of your gaslighting bullshit, all I know is that I deserve to be treated better and I don't want this relationship any more. It's over'.

Original poster

horseshay · 15/07/2021 17:02

@WallaceinAnderland

I found out by iPhone location

OP posts:

Original poster

horseshay · 15/07/2021 17:13

What am I entitled to if end marriage as partner and I got a house and he has paid large chunks off mortgage as was previously well paid from job and also money from a trust in his family paid off large amounts of mortgage. Mortgage in joint names.
He also said we might have to pay tax on loans from his previous work/and trust so worried that if I split would end up with nowhere to leave except room.
So implied previously there wouldn't be much between us if we sold house which is worth 600000 approximately as may have to pay some tax/loans back-unlikely but not sure.
He didn't say it in context of us splitting just when we were discussing our finances

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 17:45

@horseshay

What am I entitled to if end marriage as partner and I got a house and he has paid large chunks off mortgage as was previously well paid from job and also money from a trust in his family paid off large amounts of mortgage. Mortgage in joint names. He also said we might have to pay tax on loans from his previous work/and trust so worried that if I split would end up with nowhere to leave except room. So implied previously there wouldn't be much between us if we sold house which is worth 600000 approximately as may have to pay some tax/loans back-unlikely but not sure. He didn't say it in context of us splitting just when we were discussing our finances

With trusts involved you need to seek independent legal advice and if you were to split you would be likely to be recommended to get a forensic account to look into everything financial during a divorce settlement.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/07/2021 18:41

Are you married? In the UK it is different if you are married or just living together.

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