Elderly widowed mother difficulties

[BlueRabbit7]

Any advice/help much appreciated - I'm at my wits end. My mother (80) was widowed 2.5 years ago. She and my Dad led a very secluded life with next no social interaction with others. They were both only children, so no family other than myself and my sister. My sister has always been the favourite, she and her husband live beyond their means and whenever they have wracked up a sizeable credit card bill, have had my parents bail them out. My mother now has mobility issues and is struggling to keep on top of the house. She has sticks but refuses to use them, preferring to lurch around her home. She has a complete disinterest in life and throws dramas such as she is going to take all her tablets, "drift away in a chair" and that she is waiting for her life to end. She has also developed an obsession with money, refusing to spend on food and necessities which is impacting on her health. She refuses to have any help/carer visits stating that she "can manage" but stages the house in such a way that when I visit, I can't not but change the smelly bedding, re-wash the washing machine load that has started to smell because it has sat their for a week plus, clean the toilet etc. My sister lives 5 minutes away but refuses to do any more than pop in once a week with a roast dinner (that she would have cooked anyway) for half an hour and occasionally call. Her excuses are that she is "too busy", "has too look after her husband and sons (23 and 18), works everyday beyond 5.30pm until 8.00pm (for which she says she isn't paid) and has intermittent sciatica (that doesn't appear to stop her social activities). I live 45 minutes away, have a full time medical career plus a couple of health issues of my own, one for which I'm awaiting surgery. Yet, I am expected by both my sister and mother to carry out the hospital appts, visits to my Dad's grave, entertain Mum by taking her out and basically sort out her day to day living. My Mum refuses to ask my sister to do more as "she is unwell", "she has a very important job for which isn't paid" and "I don't like to ask her". In order to get her way, Mum will quite happily lie through her teeth and then argue, though I suspect there may also be an element of confusion as dementia runs in the family. Matters came to a head a few weeks ago when my sister went on holiday in full knowledge that Mum still had diarrhoea (I had told her over the phone to contact the GP if it hadn't cleared up in 48 hours - it was day 7....) and had run out of heart tablets (4 days without). My sister's response when I challenged her on the phone was "*&%^ off" and my Mum supported her. I left Mum's house and haven't returned. Since then Mum has behaved as if nothing has happened and that "I am clearly unwell and need help." If it wasn't for the fact that my father insisted certain items of his should be passed to myself and my children, I would simply walk away and leave them to it. I should add that Mum has also started to treat my daughter (24) in the same manner as she does me.

Re your comment:-
"If it wasn't for the fact that my father insisted certain items of his should be passed to myself and my children, I would simply walk away and leave them to it. I should add that Mum has also started to treat my daughter (24) in the same manner as she does me.

TBH I would leave the two of them to it. I would not assume that your late father's items will be at all passed onto your family. Was it specified in his will that you were to have these?. If not I would think there is now no opportunity for you to have these items. It could well be that your mother or sister has disposed of them. In any case its no basis to keep in contact with your mother particularly as she is now starting on your adult daughter as well. I would advise that both you and your daughter stay away from your mother. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

I’m confused that if she doesn’t help or get involved that the medication and sorting a GP was her responsibility? I’m sure that you are frustrated and feel it’s unfair.

Get medication put on auto renewal and delivered. One less thing to do. Then sit down with your sister and Mum in a room and decide who does what. Weekly online shopping can be done. Hospital appointments choose which ones work for you and which don’t. If your sister is free in the day without a reasonable reason not to take your mum to hospital then suggest hospital transport, it works well if arranged in advance.

Don’t let it wash that your sister can’t help

@Doubledoorsontogarden

I’m confused that if she doesn’t help or get involved that the medication and sorting a GP was her responsibility? I’m sure that you are frustrated and feel it’s unfair.

Get medication put on auto renewal and delivered. One less thing to do. Then sit down with your sister and Mum in a room and decide who does what. Weekly online shopping can be done. Hospital appointments choose which ones work for you and which don’t. If your sister is free in the day without a reasonable reason not to take your mum to hospital then suggest hospital transport, it works well if arranged in advance.

Don’t let it wash that your sister can’t help

OPs sister doesn't have to help. Morally, maybe, but she can't be forced.

Your suspicion about dementia might be right. My mother's behaviour changed in her mid 60's so it was quite early and we just put it down to her being more awkward and awful than usual (always was a difficult selfish person).

By her 70's we had many of the issues you mention:

• very argumentative and often quite hateful language especially to one sibling who was the one helping the most
• serious drop in personal hygiene, clothing and housekeeping standards
• refusing to spend money on things she saw as luxuries but weren't e.g. new glasses, replacement underwear
• massively increased hypochondria
• not eating and drinking properly but getting defensive about it, refusing to see some of her health issues were caused by dehydration and lack of nutrition
• refusing to leave the house unless dragged out but also moaning we never took her anywhere
• demanding everyone run around after her, getting stroppy if told no
• dramatic attention seeking ' I hate life & want to die' talk
• refusing any in-home help

Mum eventually drove away the sibling who was supporting her the most. They didn't speak or see each other for nearly 2 years, barring a couple of times I was back home (I live abroad and only go back every 2-3 years). It was a difficult time but sibling was sick of being treated so badly. Like your sister, my other siblings didn't really step up to fill the gap.

Over that time she deteriorated even further becoming more forgetful and less able to cope. It was hard to get a proper diagnosis as she refused to engage with professionals but we got finally told it was a slow progressing dementia.

Eventually sibling had to step in again as other 2 siblings were being so useless. They staggered on for a while but eventually there was a seriously dangerous safety incident in her home which made her living alone impossible and so Sibling exercised Power of Attorney to have her put into residential care.

I suspect getting your father's items will be difficult now anyway. Not much you can do if they are in her possession. Your mother may simply withhold these from you or even give them away just to be mean. My mum gave away a lot of family things & we never found out where they went. Best just to let that go in your head and if they are still there when the time comes that's good.

So not sure I can help there, just sympathise. I suspect you will get people saying 'it's your mum' and you had to hep not matter how horrible she is. I don't agree with that. Sometimes people cannot be helped until they are ready. You would not be a bad person to walk away especially if its now affecting your daughter too.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post - I know it's lengthy. Medication was on auto renewal, but I guess mistakes still get made. I currently do the online shopping order. I've taken the approach with hospital transport and Mum's attitude is that she refuses to go on her own. The knife-turner was the comment last time this arose - "You promised Dad you'd look after me when he was dying..." - I have reiterate this was not what was meant, and said at the time he was taking his final breaths. I totally agree that my sister shouldn't be allowed to get away with the current situation and it is reassuring that it is not just in my head and others have the same opinion. On the past 2 occasions that I have sat down with the pair of them, they have agreed for my sister to do more and then after 1-2 weeks they both revert to type and we're back where we were before.

Do either you or your sister have power of attorney, OP? Could you get a dementia assessment from your mother’s GP? Or at least voice your concerns that she is running out of medication, neglecting hygiene, and is not coping alone?
I agree with Attila that you need to protect yourself and daughter from your mother’s abuse, but you would probably feel more comfortable about reducing or cutting contact if you first alerted the medical and social services that she needs assessment and assistance.

I would leave your mother and sister to it, with you out of the picture hopefully they will further turn on each other. Do not further give into such overt emotional blackmail from your mother. Your mental health and overall well-being is far more important than items your late dad wanted you to have.

Given how your mother has and continues to behave in her life I doubt very much she would ever entertain the idea of having a power of attorney document. The relationship between your sister and you is problematic to say the least and I would think your mother would take her side over yours in any disagreement. A power of attorney document in such circumstances could be more trouble than it is worth

Whatever items are a) they're not worth it and b) you won't get them

Walk away

Contact social services adult care for an assessment and leave them to it.

Youcan then try to Get you relationship back as mother/ daughter without the caring aspects muddying the waters with resentment. Once basic care needs are addressed then you can still do the social bit as and when

Whatever these items are they aren’t worth putting up with this, especially for your daughter.
Draw boundaries and stick to them.
Your mum and sis won’t like it but they treat you like shit anyway so what’s the difference?

Walk away as fast as your legs can take you. I always said to myself I have no problem caring for those that appreciate it and did so for an elderly relative until they passed away. I was young with very young children at the time and a full time job. Elderly relative was lovely, gave me £10 here and there for the kids, paid for a small birthday party for one of the kids when I was flat out broke etc. Always had time for my children, no matter how poorly they were (relative)they always wanted me to bring the children to see them as they genuinely got pleasure from seeing them.
My Parents....... Will under no circumstances be getting any care from me, they have shown no interest in my life or my children for the last 17+ years (we are completely NC now) what happens to them in their dotage is going to be a situation of their own making but I will not be involved in anything that makes it easier for them and I will not feel guilty about it.
Treat people as they treat you OP, elderly or not.