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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Conflict with ex over CMS

15 replies

Placebo88 · 14/07/2021 22:53

So I posted before, but can't log onto that account so had to create a new account. I was with someone for 3 years, had a baby together. In the last year we were very on and off. He was very controlling at the beginning, telling me I couldn't be friends with certain male friends, accusing me of looking at other men, wanting to know where I was. I stupidly mistook this for caring and love and respected his wishes and didnt fight back much. I started to in the last year because I had the stress of a baby and I couldn't cope with his stress too. By the end he was physically abusive with me (about a month ago) and I didnt take him back because all he could do was blame me for his actions(typical abuser). I knew he was a lost cause. I reported him to the police, but didn't press charges.
Since then he has been in touch to get his stuff, but I said he couldn't come to my place as I dont feel safe with him being here. He started threatening that he would force his way in for the items. Most of the items he hasn't touched for nearly the whole time he was here including a weapon which I didnt want him having in mine and my sons presence. Nonetheless its his stuff. So I call the police and report that he is threatening to come to my place. They take the weapon, but not the rest of the stuff and write up a report for malicious communication. I dont press charges but ask them to have a word with him.

Since then he messaged saying he is going to start paying for our son and asking when he can see him. I kept my response vague as I didn't want yet more abuse. Then I get a phone call from the health visitor advising me to tell my ex that any contact with my son will be dealt with by social services, maintenance by CMS and his belongings by IDVA. He had been trying to pressure me to take a maintenance amount he decided, but I knew I would be chasing him and forever having to be in touch so I said 'no'. He went mental. He started messaging me saying he wish he never had a baby with me. That he wasted it on me and wish he had him with his other woman. I started to think he was thinking of stealing him to be with her. He was bragging about his new woman and their sex life. Highlighting that she did things that i wouldn't in the bedroom. This really hurt although some of what he was saying seemed too trite and convenient. We broke up not even a month ago. He was calling me ugly, a rat, vile, scammer, c*nt, loser, wanted me to hurry up a die and that his new girlfriend is everything he wished for and more... all the time he was with me he lived with me rent free so managed to save up a good amount that was meant to be for our family, but he now has for him and I guess his new woman. He was also rubbing this in. He made out I was the best thing that ever happened to him up until about 3 to 4 months ago.
Today I have been really down emotionally. I'm not coping. Fixated on everything he said. All the hurtful nasty things he said. I just don't know how to get out of this and see it differently for my sons sake. Meeting new people right now is just not the right time for me so I'm stuck at home hardly able to leave my house whilst he is already in bed with some other woman. I know I shouldn't care because he was violent and hurt me and good riddance the logical part of my brain says. But the other part feels angry that he gets to be happy whilst I'm left with these emotional scars.

OP posts:
Placebo88 · 14/07/2021 22:54

Also... should I press charges now?

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 14/07/2021 23:03

What sort of weapon?????

Look, love, he is a nasty dickhead. You don't need him. Block his number, get maintenance through CMS, and get on with your life with your baby. You don't have to obediently listen to his nasty crap.

You can't choose to "press charges", but if the police are charging him, it will really help if you cooperate with the police, and don't withdraw your statement.

Placebo88 · 15/07/2021 04:51

I dont want to say the type of weapon as he may be able to identify its me through this post.
The police said "do you wish to press charges? You dont have to decide now" and left it as that.
I think in these circumstances they need the victim willing otherwise they have no evidence to charge them with in the first place.

OP posts:
PurpleSapphire · 15/07/2021 05:53

Out of your whole post the one thing that stood out to me was that you feel resentful that he gets to be happy. But he doesn't get to be happy, abusers dont change, they go from one woman to the next doing EXACTLY the same thing. Maybe not right now, but give it six months he will start doing it to his perfect new lady friend too. You might even see them looking loved up on social media, that means nothing, i'm sure there were probably times when you looked like a happy couple too, it's very different behind closed doors. You've done the hard part, you aren't with him so keep it that way. You and your child deserve much better and you'll find that.

Uramaki · 15/07/2021 05:57

He's not happy, he's moved on to someone else but he will probably end up treating her the same way as he treated you. It will take time but you can recover from this and he won't always be on your mind. Flowers

TacCat49 · 15/07/2021 06:08

Have you seen a lawyer? Can you make a claim against some of this money he has?

QueenBee52 · 15/07/2021 06:21

Press charges every single time ...

southlondoner02 · 15/07/2021 06:46

He will continue to call and say these things to you because he is abusive and he has lost control because you have left him. He may try to escalate things, so I would avoid seeing him at all costs and call the police if you feel threatened.

Also, 'pressing charges' isn't a thing, and if the police are saying that to you they are being misleading. It's the CPS' job to decide on charges not yours. If you choose not to do a statement then they may not have enough evidence to charge him though. I would advise speaking to an IDVA who should go through all the options with you including what can happen if you support a police case, and alternatives such as a non molestation order. They could help you increase your safety and discuss CMS etc

PurpleSapphire · 15/07/2021 06:57

Sometimes they quickly move on when they're finally called out over their behaviour and fear the control is slipping away. It's easier to be with someone new who doesn't yet know what they are so they can get that control back, they dont really care who it's with as long as that person is compliant and makes them feel loved and adored. Unfortunately that feeling doesn't last when real life kicks in and they get bored. Suddenly it isnt enough, and soon nothing is enough. So an abuser is never actually happy even if they appear to be, it's just the calm before the storm. He isnt happy op, he's just trying to hurt you because you stood up to him.

Placebo88 · 15/07/2021 11:38

Can you do that with a lawyer about the money? Its about 20000 which he saved up for us. Now ran off and also not willing to pay maintenance for his son. Horrible situation.

OP posts:
Placebo88 · 15/07/2021 11:40

@southlondoner02

He will continue to call and say these things to you because he is abusive and he has lost control because you have left him. He may try to escalate things, so I would avoid seeing him at all costs and call the police if you feel threatened.

Also, 'pressing charges' isn't a thing, and if the police are saying that to you they are being misleading. It's the CPS' job to decide on charges not yours. If you choose not to do a statement then they may not have enough evidence to charge him though. I would advise speaking to an IDVA who should go through all the options with you including what can happen if you support a police case, and alternatives such as a non molestation order. They could help you increase your safety and discuss CMS etc

I'm not sure about the charges then. They said they were going to review it higher up so maybe thats what they meant. But they definitely said that if I want to press charges I can but I dont have to decide now.
OP posts:
Placebo88 · 15/07/2021 11:43

@PurpleSapphire

Sometimes they quickly move on when they're finally called out over their behaviour and fear the control is slipping away. It's easier to be with someone new who doesn't yet know what they are so they can get that control back, they dont really care who it's with as long as that person is compliant and makes them feel loved and adored. Unfortunately that feeling doesn't last when real life kicks in and they get bored. Suddenly it isnt enough, and soon nothing is enough. So an abuser is never actually happy even if they appear to be, it's just the calm before the storm. He isnt happy op, he's just trying to hurt you because you stood up to him.
Yes it seems to be this way as he attacked me and when my mother heard me scream he was scrambling trying to accuse me of attacking him. I was thinking wtf?!... anyway I gave him a chance then the second night I just knew it wasn't going to stop. I had messages recently calling me a vile c*nt for expecting him to come back when I dumped him... he expected me to come back after he attacked me... I didnt even get an apology, not that that would have changed my mind but it clearly showed he didn't think what he did was wrong.
OP posts:
Placebo88 · 15/07/2021 11:48

@PurpleSapphire

Out of your whole post the one thing that stood out to me was that you feel resentful that he gets to be happy. But he doesn't get to be happy, abusers dont change, they go from one woman to the next doing EXACTLY the same thing. Maybe not right now, but give it six months he will start doing it to his perfect new lady friend too. You might even see them looking loved up on social media, that means nothing, i'm sure there were probably times when you looked like a happy couple too, it's very different behind closed doors. You've done the hard part, you aren't with him so keep it that way. You and your child deserve much better and you'll find that.
Its not exactly resentful. Its more that I'm left messed up in my head, not able to leave my house for depression and anxiety whilst he has moved on. It doesn't feel fair and right to me. I know its not healthy to feel this way, but I cant stop it. I keep going over everything he has said to me in texts. I feel low about myself. I feel sad for my son too as he said he regrets him. Mind you he said this about the other child he had before (that i didn't find out about until my son was about 1 year old). Never paid a thing for him with the excuse he didn't believe he was his and never wanted him to begin with.
OP posts:
layladomino · 15/07/2021 17:08

Please don't respond to his vile messages. Just ignore. But do save his messages - you may need them as evidence later on.

Don't spend another minute dwelling on his vile insults. As pp said, he is lashing out because he realises he's lost control of you. He doesn't really mean those things - why would he have been with you if he thought you were ugly etc? But also why do you care what this nasty vile abuser thinks?

There may not even be another woman - or if there is you just have to feel sorry for her. But whether he has a new gf or not, he is only saying those things because he wants to hurt you. And he wants to hurt you because he's lost control of you.

Don't engage. Don't dwell on it. You will be so much happier without him in your life.

Finally, your choice of course but if it were up to me, I would work with the Police, give a statement etc. This man could be in your life, and your DC's life, for a long time. He may become more aggressive. He may at some point decide he wants to be more involved with your DC. The Police need to know the full truth to help protect you and DC later on.

PurpleSapphire · 16/07/2021 03:51

What Layla said, and yes resentful probably wasn't the right word to use (it was late, I couldn't think of the right one). I knew what you meant, it doesn't seem fair and it isn't, but that will eat away at you if you let it.
I know you feel sad for your son, completely understandable, but he's far better off in a home with no arguments and or violence. It IS NOT your fault that this person can't control his temper. He's an adult, he's responsible for his own actions. He will always blame you, people like that never admit to being in the wrong. Truth is, nothing you could have done would ever be right in his eyes, the more you give, the more they demand until you're mentally and physically exhausted. Then they'll say something like "I just want the happy girl back that I fell in love with, what's happened to you?".
It's mind games all the time until you're so confused you start to doubt yourself and question if things really happened the way you remember. If you can just keep away from him you'll be surprised at how your mind starts to clear.

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