Just upping and leaving

[Fantasiatallis]

I’m not going to do it. But does anyone else have recurring urges to just get in the car and drive? Somewhere, anywhere, just away from home and start life again?

My marriage is falling apart. We spend every day wfh but not talking, avoiding each other. We’ve done 3 months of couples counselling with no positive outcome other than verbalising what we’ve struggled with over the past few years (him - high libido. Me - no libido since sen child who didn’t sleep till they were about 4 )

Sen child”s parenting is my responsibility (they are dh’s child but he can’t or won’t parent his child as traditional parenting styles just don’t work with neurodiverse children). We also have an Nt child who is grounded, easy going, delightful .. and early teens, with all the hormones!

Tonight, sen child refused to get changed for bed. They kicked at my face when I tried to encourage them into pyjamas, bit my arm and slapped my face. So, they are spending the night in school uniform and will go into school in the same clothes tomorrow 🙁. Nt sibling got woken up by the kerfuffle and slammed her door shut in protest.

It seems a small incident, but when every evening has similar ‘small’ incidents and you have bruises on you from your child... it’s hard work.

Dh is out at work tonight but, even if he’d have been home, he’d have just sat in another room and not got involved. Which, tbh, is usually better as him getting involved usually involves shouting, removal of screen time for days and (when child was younger) physically making them comply. Child is old enough and tall enough at 13 that dh (nor I) can’t do that any more.

But I’m just worn out. I dream of packing a suitcase, taking the car (old, not worth much at all), my 5k personal savings, and just going and starting again in a new place.

But, of course, I can’t. I cant leave the children. But i imagine it, at times like this. Do you?

Massive hug and lots of hand holds.

It's tough, you have hit the nail on the head - he knows, you know and to some extent DC knows - dad doesn't come well at home, best out of it etc.

Not right, not wrong - just what it is.

Are you able to apply from a bit of restbite?

It's a very long and hard road, not easy at all

I could have written that 10 years ago. Irony is that 4 years ago he left me. I managed to persuade him to keep sen child (by then adult and semi independent) however a few months after I moved away she joined me, I love her but....

Only positive is my sen child calmed a lot after 18 and no longer hits, bites or shouts at me, still lazy though

Have just gone and tried to get my (asleep) sen child out of school clothes and into pyjamas and got kicked again :(

I adore both my children, but there is a part of me that rears it’s head at times like this and says ‘you’re a crap parent to your sen child and your not child is suffering as a result. Just drive to a city a few hours away, rent a single room, get a basic pay job and forget about them all.’

I know I couldn’t, though. But it doesn’t stop me thinking about it.

‘Not child’ = nt child.

Huge handhold. Maybe just drive off for a night or two?

Yes , I do imagine it. I can completely relate to dh struggling and disengaging with parenting a SEN child. My Nt child reckons all dad does is "worry and not parent" . And been I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt with the shouting, shoving and just horrible evenings. Dh and I split in November 2020 (combo of loveless marriage and safeguarding) , but with the summer hols looming and both DCs teeny and hormonal, I too, just want to get in the car and drive.....for a very long time!!

Yes. A few weeks ago after spending 3 days in hospital with my 17 yr old who has a serious MH condition and had taken the 4th OD of the year, then discharged into my care, on top of it being my middle child's bday which I was completely behind in getting ready for, everyone being grumpy at each other and outside family not helping the situation - I had a massive urge to buy a ticket to London and become homeless on the street for as long as I could before I was found

I think it's the fight or flight response kicking in, completely and totally and utterly normal - it's what your brain is wired for! You have an insane amount of pressure you can't easy escape from and your brain is trying to help! The fact you wouldn't seriously consider it shows what an amazing parent you are, but it is a sign that you have a LOT going on.

Do you have support? Can you find some more? I took it as a sign I needed to reach out to CAMHS and demand everything I could, a local well-being team to get on their peer support program, reached out to friends to vent and cry, everything I could think of. Much of it isn't even in place yet but it's helped me feel like we're moving to a place where more support with be there, which helps.

Also, have you tried any CBT counselling for yourself? You can be referred by your GP.

I found it really helpful - not only so I could have a safe place to vent, but also because it will help you address the "I'm a crap parent" thoughts (you aren't! You've been handed a really hard set of circumstances and are doing your very best, which makes you a fantastic parent, promise!).

I've found this really useful, as once you have tools to put those kind of things to rest, it frees up your mind to be able to look for ways to help yourself and your situation without beating yourself up for needing to.

You sound amazing OP- I always thought my H would have been utterly useless with a child with either physical issues or SEN - he struggled enough with a ‘hard work’ teenage son — I’ve felt like this many times in life and actually did it once when living with a guy who was charming but a total loser and I didn’t have children living with me to think about. Was quite liberating. Are you getting all the help you can?? Can’t help but wonder if you might actually get more help/respite if you were on your own.

Thank you everyone, you’re very kind.

@Willweeverfindout I can’t drive off for a couple of nights, as dh cannot / will not parent sen child. Neurodiverse children need a totally different parenting style to the ‘norm’, and dh (probably asc himself) cannot do this.

@Handoverthechocollate one of my concerns re. Separation is that the children will be parented by dh EOW. That’s fine for nt dd alone, but see comment above for nd child... Did your ex manage to parent without damaging the kid’s mental health? (That wasn’t meant to sound rude! But it’s my main concern about separation, and has been the reason I’ve stuck it out in my marriage for this long,tbh)

@BlueButterfliesAndPurpleStars your comment was SO helpful, I’d not thought if the fight/flight response and this is totally what it is. I have some support from sen school, but parents are elderly and friends have kind of dropped off along the wayside :( I did ask a couple of years ago for cbt to talk through all of this. But I was told that cbt wasn’t suitable as cbt is about changing your ‘irrational’ reaction to events. They said my reaction to events in my life was totally normal and understandable so cbt wouldn’t help. I had some general counselling a while ago, which helped a little.

@Crikeyalmighty I always thought my dh was tolerant, understanding and patient with sen kids. Till he had one himself :(

I’m not going to run away, as I can’t. I’m sticking it out. My marriage is pretty much over and it is completely, utterly terrifying.

@Fantasiatallis

Thank you everyone, you’re very kind.

@Willweeverfindout I can’t drive off for a couple of nights, as dh cannot / will not parent sen child. Neurodiverse children need a totally different parenting style to the ‘norm’, and dh (probably asc himself) cannot do this.

@Handoverthechocollate one of my concerns re. Separation is that the children will be parented by dh EOW. That’s fine for nt dd alone, but see comment above for nd child... Did your ex manage to parent without damaging the kid’s mental health? (That wasn’t meant to sound rude! But it’s my main concern about separation, and has been the reason I’ve stuck it out in my marriage for this long,tbh)

@BlueButterfliesAndPurpleStars your comment was SO helpful, I’d not thought if the fight/flight response and this is totally what it is. I have some support from sen school, but parents are elderly and friends have kind of dropped off along the wayside :( I did ask a couple of years ago for cbt to talk through all of this. But I was told that cbt wasn’t suitable as cbt is about changing your ‘irrational’ reaction to events. They said my reaction to events in my life was totally normal and understandable so cbt wouldn’t help. I had some general counselling a while ago, which helped a little.

@Crikeyalmighty I always thought my dh was tolerant, understanding and patient with sen kids. Till he had one himself :(

I’m not going to run away, as I can’t. I’m sticking it out. My marriage is pretty much over and it is completely, utterly terrifying.

You're very welcome, I'm glad it helped!

Please see if you can ask for CBT again. I honestly think it's something that everyone should learn. I think we all have some level or "core belief" that we're not good enough, etc and when dealing with a situation like you are it will naturally get triggered. It's made the world of different for me to be able to recognise and separate those thoughts.

Part of my CBT also involved an exercise to pick a problem and break it down into various steps which might be really helpful for you right now:

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ProblemSolvingWorksheet.pdf

I don't have a SEN child so I don't know any specific resources myself (only ones for MH!) so hopefully someone else can signpost you to those. And don't have an OH so no help there either - only to say it must feel even more lonely to have him there and not help! I know you've said you feel like this is the end, but even though he's no good actually helping with your child, can he not pick up the slack in other areas to help ease the burden at least?