Would this piss you off?

[Nicecupofteaandacake]

For context - this is something that happened 3 years ago. For some reason it’s popped into my head today, and I’m wondering why the heck I didn’t kick up a stink. It’s now been bothering me all day, and I want to know if this would piss you off?

3 years ago, when DS1 was a baby (6 months or so), my DH was very friendly with a woman at work. Constant messaging each other, often talking about her at home. He started bringing back things she’d lent him, such as books, dvds and PlayStation games. Then gifts started - little things at first like funko pops that he collects, then it was a very thoughtful book. I wasn’t happy about this, but didn’t say anything at the time because 1) I didn’t want to rock the boat, 2) I hate confrontation, 3) I was bloody fragile with severe PNA and PND and didn’t know my own head.

It culminated in one gift that was a framed picture of something very meaningful to DH, and I asked him straight (on WhatsApp as he’d sent me a picture of it) if he thought that was appropriate, because I didn’t. He replied with “oh sorry, I didn’t realise you were jealous, I’ll give it back”. He didn’t give it back and it’s in a box in the loft.

That was the end of it really, no more gifts appeared (that I know of), and the contact seemed to lessen between them. He’s since left the company, as has she. Like an idiot I haven’t even asked if they still speak.

The woman in question is also married.

I’m really not sure what made it pop into my head today… but it’s now bugging me no end and I’m getting more and more pissed off. I wasn’t on MN actively then, and have since learnt about emotional affairs, and it is now blindingly clear to me that this is what was going on.

It was 3 years ago… would it still annoy you now? Should I bring it up?

Our relationship certainly isn’t perfect and we need to have a frank discussion at some point about the future regardless, but this has honestly made me want to just walk away, despite the time that has passed.

"Our relationship certainly isn’t perfect and we need to have a frank discussion at some point about the future regardless"

To me this sounds like there's a lot of other issues going on - not too sure why this particular one is the focus, but honestly just have the conversation with him. It'll eat you alive otherwise!

Would he have been happy if you brought gift hone from a male colleague?

I think it sounds like there are other issues aside from this.
Do you think this is still ongoing
It could well have been an emotional affair

I think this is only bothering you because you have other issues in your marriage. If you were perfectly happy and all was well i dont think this would be even a blip on your radar.

Deal with the issues in hand. Don't bring up something now that you didn't three years ago as part of it, or you give him room to start blaming you...."well you should have left at the time then" and this deflection will just make you more angry.

Thanks all - I shall keep this one under my hat and deal with the here and now.

@Pegsonstrings no, he would not have been happy if I’d brought back gifts from a male friend. I do recall trying to rationalise it at the time as “but I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a bloke giving him gifts”

There is no statute of limitations on being upset by a EA. But as others have said, as there is stuff happening now which you're not happy with, that should be your main focus. But if it were me I wouldn't be able to help listing it as another reason for wanting to split "and then there's the affair you had 3 years ago. You weren't honest about it then and I can't forget it".

I think that the fact that you've never told him about this is more of an issue than what he did/didn't do.

Healthy relationships don't have this stuff bubbling under for years.

I'd have been upset

Are they still in contact and he just doesn’t mention it anymore?

It's still in your house?! That's so damn disrespectful! Burn it and package it up in a beautifully wrapped box and present it directly to him or on his pillow and when he opens it and says "WTF?" you reply and say "Why the fuck is it still here from your EA?!!"