Toxic controlling girlfriend. Mate is lost

[bloke1992]

I know this is Mumsnet so I'm feeling a bit intimidated but I would like a women's view. My mate has been with his gf for around 12 years.
She cheated on him around 2 year ago. And he was crushed. He went on to have an affair. She found out and went mental (as to be expected)

He doesn't want to be with her any more. But doesn't want to hurt her. When he tries to end it she throws every thing back at him that she has done for him. So he feels so guilty he stays with her.
Last week she rang him around 10 times while he was in a meeting at work. Then insisted he sent his location so she knew were he was. She insists he does this all the time. When he finishes work she makes him take his clothes off boxes off and then checks them. They fight all the tome and when he isn't at work she won't leave his side.
I tell him this isn't healthy he broke down the other day and said she has done so much for me I can't leave her. When he does try she throws it all back in his face.
He says he feels so trapped.

When he works away she makes him FaceTime him falling asleep and has to open cupboard doors and videos under the beds so he can prove he is on his own

Not sure what I should tell him. He seems to think this is a normal lifestyle.

Ps I've already posted this once but now I can't find it. Sorry

You might find browsing www.mankind.org.uk useful. It's got a helpline as well.
It sounds like he'd be doing them both a favour by ending it.

He needs to leave. She may have done a lot for him, I’m sure he’s done stuff for her too, but that’s not a reason to keep such a toxic relationship going.

Unfortunately I doubt he will listen to you about leaving, and it’s probably best not to push the issue or he may close off from you completely. All you can do is let him know you’re there for support and give gentle encouragement at the right time.

Hello lovely. You sound like an amazing friend and he is very lucky to have you! You have of course identified controlling behaviour perfectly and he will need a lot of support to be free.
I would show him the Mankind site as suggested above - show him on your own phone in case she’s monitoring his and goes ballistic, of course! He has been conditioned to feel he’s no good without her, that mindset needs changing. Best of luck!

He is being emotionally abused and coercively controlled. This is a recognised form of domestic abuse. You are obviously a great friend and need to help him see that this isn’t good for either of them. Best of luck.

He's being abused and I believe her behaviour meets the threshold of coercive control, which is a criminal offence. I would offer him helpline numbers and be there for him, tell him he always has a place to stay (with you) if he needs to get out. I would say that face to face / on a call rather than in a message in case she snoops on his phone which sounds very likely. Poor bloke, I hope he can get out of this toxic and abusive relationship.

Thank you, I just think he would be so in denial if I even mentioned that. I'm really not sure what to do.

Don't tell him its abnormal behaviour (which of course it is), ask him why he thinks its acceptable behaviour. Would he do it to her? Why not? So why does she do it to him? What does he think would happen if he left her?

Would he be able to stay with you short term if he leaves? I think all you can do is give him options for getting out.

Urgh poor guy! She checks his clothes??

This sounds toxic and sadly it's highly unlikely it'll improve. There is no trust or respect so it's irreperable. They both need to move on. How old are they? It all sounds very immature tbh.

That is dreadful behaviour he needs to leave.

What about if you sent him the link to the website, or some information on signs of emotional abuse/ controlling behaviour.
And let him know you'll be there for him if he needs you!
This isn't normal in a healthy relationship

He needs to leave. He's not helping either of them by staying - if he thinks he's doong her some kind of favour by staying with her then he's kidding himself.

This is coercive control. It's abuse and a criminal offence. Poor bloody guy.

Yes she insists on doing every thing for him. But moans about it. But then when he tells her he's not happy wants to end it. She screams crying reminding him she's doing every thing for him.

I'm not sure how to approach it

Ask him what support he would need to end it.

Do you get to see him alone ever, in person? I would recommend in an ideal world having a chat face to face as messages can be intercepted by her and she's likely to be a snooper. Poor guy, it's no way to live I really hope he can get free of her.

So he just leaves and skips the whole confrontation bit with a place ready to go to for a bit. You can offer practical help with organising the place to go

Yes he might well be best leaving first and telling her later . "Doing stuff for him" that he doesn't need or want is manipulation to make him feel obligated, and it is working. What would happen if he asked her not to do so much for him?