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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you say to a mate who is in a bad relationship

15 replies

bloke1992 · 14/07/2021 19:21

I know this is Mumsnet so I'm feeling a bit intimidated but I would like a women's view. My mate has been with his gf for around 12 years.
She cheating on him around 2 year ago. And he was crushed. He went on to have an affair. She found out and went mental (as to be expected)

He doesn't want to be with her any more. But doesn't want to hurt her. When he tries to end it she throws every thing back at him that she has done for him. So he feels so guilty he stays with her.
Last week she rang him around 10 times while he was in a meeting at work. Then insisted he sent his location so she knew were he was. She insists he does this all the time. When he finishes work she makes him take his clothes off boxes off and then checks them. They fight all the tome and when he isn't at work she won't leave his side.
I tell him this isn't healthy he broke down the other day and said she has done so much for me I can't leave her. When he does try she throws it all back in his face.

Not sure what I should tell him. He seems to think this is a normal lifestyle.

OP posts:

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/07/2021 19:33

It is absolutely not normal. You're a good friend but unfortunately if he doesn't want to end it you can't change his mind. All you can really do it share your concerns and be there for him. She is utterly controlling and he will need your support x

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 14/07/2021 19:36

And by share your concerns I mean tell him kindly exactly what you've posted here. Let him know you're there for him no matter what and leave it there. It's a horrible situation

Original poster

bloke1992 · 14/07/2021 19:44

Yes I thought if I show him reply's it might help him. Thank you.

OP posts:

FangsForTheMemory · 14/07/2021 19:48

She's probably still cheating on him too. That's why she needs to check up on him all the time.

He doesn't owe her anything.

Umberellatheweatha · 14/07/2021 20:11

You tell him that he doesn't owe anyone a relationship. And that relationships are supposed to add happiness to both peoples life. But that neither if them.are happy together.

Femme99 · 14/07/2021 20:55

It is not a healthy relationship, it sounds toxic and they have both been unfaithful, breaking any trust between them. However, only he can make this decision about his relationship.

moirarosebabay · 14/07/2021 23:53

I fully realised and conceded I was in an abusive relationship after I had read the Lundy Bancroft book. There were times I stuck my head in the sand as it was too painful to honestly and fully look at it and I always knew in my heart of hearts that He wasn't a kind person and I didn't want to get on the wrong side of him. The things that kept me stuck was waiting for the time I would be strong enough to fight him as everything was a fight, especially getting away from him and how he'd be nice then nasty and tell me I wouldn't cope. It's a horrible thing to watch a friend go through. I have a friend just now who's partner prefers her when she's vulnerable and it's horrible to see all the signs but not be able to make her see. People have to get to their own point to leave. You can't make him see. Just try to not be cut off from him so he always has someone to talk to and somewhere to go. I'll never forget my best friend saying to me 2 things- you always have somewhere to go and your partner should never make you feel scared.

Onthedunes · 15/07/2021 00:17

Are you a man?

I should imagine you know about 20% of the story. If I were you I would stay out of it, you have told him this is not healthy what more can you do.

He clearly has reasons for not ending the relationship which you know nothing about, maybe it is in the final throws but I'm not sure posting and then showing him is the best idea.

I doubt whether he's an idiot, he knows what the scorecard is in their partnership.

SingingInTheShithouse · 15/07/2021 09:02

She's still cheating on him. That sort of overly controlling behaviour& mistrust ALWAYS masks cheating in my experience. (& I'm old & have been around the block many times)

& it's far from normal. It sounds like he's in an abusive relationship to me.

You're a good friend. I'm glad you are there for him

SingingInTheShithouse · 15/07/2021 09:08

"He clearly has reasons for not ending the relationship which you know nothing about,"

Daft comment when it's well known that people in these sorts of toxic & emotionally abusive relationships are so beaten down by their abuser they lose sight of themselves & what's healthy in a relationship.

Been there, done that & wrote the book. The reasons he stays are far from healthy. He is broken by the abuse & thanks to that abuse has lost confidence & sight of how he deserves to be treat in a relationship

Umberellatheweatha · 15/07/2021 10:04

Just on the off chance - him telling you all this couldn't be a predecessor to him trying it in with you could it?

Have these accusations come out of the blue? You say you've been pals for a decade. Are you only just hearing about this now?

Also you sound like he is justifying his affair because she had one. And 'she went mental' umm yeah well she had every right to go mental considering he had hist cheated on her. Even if she cheated first, clearly they had worked that through. It doesnt give him an excuse to cheat.

It may be that she is a nasty abusive woman who has broke him down to the point he feels he cant leave. However, it may also be he is talking shot about her because he is a nasty piece of work and wants to discredit her. Perhaos because that's just what nasty diets do. Perhaps even because he wants to sleep with you and make you feel as if making her out to be the devil incarnate will make you feel its acceptable...and also that he has already explained why he cant leave her for you.

Just, be on your guard. Be a listening ear, that's all you can do anyway. But be on your guard too.

Umberellatheweatha · 15/07/2021 10:06

*nasty sorts do

Not nasty diets xD nasty diets do something else entirely.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 15/07/2021 10:15

Making him take his clothes off at the end of the day so she can check them is fucked up. This is controlling in the extreme. If a woman had posted that’s what her DH makes her do, every single post and I mean EVERY Single post would be telling her to get her shit together and leave as she was being seriously abused.
Like pp has stated he is the victim of this abuse, which leaves you feeling very confused and very often makes you doubt yourself, asking yourself is it really that bad or is it just me. Your whole view on the reality of the situation is skewed.
All you can do is be there if he wants to talk, encourage him to talk to someone (counselor etc), hopefully in time he will see her for what she is and want to leave

hardboiledeggs · 15/07/2021 14:31

Not normal behaviour at all. He shouldn't have cheated but it does not mean he has to stay with her out of guilt.

Dogfan · 15/07/2021 16:34

As you say she's very controlling and clearly toxic but for whatever reason he isn't ready to leave. My friends telling me they thought my husband was awful and I should leave him actually made my situation much worse. I had to keep them separate and felt I had no one I could talk to who would listen - I already knew they hated my husband so they would just tell me to leave him no matter what I was feeling. I would be supportive and let him know you are there for him and can offer him whatever help he might need as and when he wants it. Maybe take a look at Relate for advice?

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