Difficult neighbours

[Justmeandme19]

I'm looking for some advise regarding my soon to be new neighbours.
Their an older couple, his health is not good. Their in a lot and are well known in the street for being difficult. He's clearly got a vial temper and because of his failing health sends her out to complain.
I have been doing a lot of building work and have worked hard not to upset them. I understand that noisy building work is annoying, hence why we agreed times of work.
But it's relentless and often rediculous complaints. It's not just noise (kept to the agreed time slot) 8-5.
It's
The radio
The parking
My front garden
People talking
Trades man
Deliveries
Trees over growing in to her garden.
Honestly I've reached my limit with it all and I don't even live there yet!! I have previously reminded her that I would be moving in with 2 young children, who can obviously be noisy! He response "don't remind me"!! She's never been nasty but just totally unreasonable and self obsessed.
Today was the last strew. So 2 x in the last 2 weeks she has asked me to come into her back garden to show me how over grown and how much my tree is over hanging into her garden. I have declined going around both times as I've been hurrying to get somewhere. Today I went around and had a look, she had said how over grown it was etc etc. But honestly there was nothing it was rediculous! I asked which bit she wanted removed, she pointed to a miniscule amount of a tree remotely over hanging! I chopped it back, but honestly I'm loosing my patients big time.
The thing is it makes me feel sad. I've been loving with family for nearly 2 years, after having to move due to my abusive ex husband. Me and the kids should be so so exited about the move, but their a bloody nightmare. How do I address this, knowing I will have to remain living next door to them.
Thanks

You have no obligation to chop items back in their garden!!!

I think you need to grey rock them tbh.

You have no obligation to trim your trees over hanging into their garden. If she asks you again, advise her that clearly the trees have been that way for a while and you’re sure the previous owners would have advised her to call in a tree surgeon to trim anything over the boundary line and no more. You’re of the same opinion and have no problem if she wishes to do that.

Should she complain to you about the tradesmen talking or playing a radio, then she’s to talk to them at the time, that you’re not on site to monitor them and that they do need to converse with one another to carry out their work. So please talk to them direct, Dane applies if they’re parking across her drive. If her complaint is merely that they’re parking in the road, then do tell her the roads are public space where anyone can park.

Be firm. Tell her you’re not interested in anything that is normal noise associated with building works and is not unreasonable. Your listening to her unreasonable complaints gives her the feeling she can intimidate you so don’t give her the opportunity. Don’t let her get to you by stopping her behaviour now.

Thank you.
They really didn't get one with the last neighbours (surprise suprise). One of the issues were over hanging trees! They used to get to the point of screaming and swearing over the fence, I'm not interested in that! Tbh I think it stems from him, he used to be out screaming at the neighbours, but he just gives the orders from his sofa now!!
She's gives my kids sweets and speaks to them, they like her to. So it's difficult to go grey rock.
Sometimes the trades man have only done about an hour of work before she comes over, she will then speak for ages about her husbands ill health etc etc.
She's clearly quite nervous and anxious as some of the stuff has been rediculous. Eg I've been up all night worrying that you parking out the front will effect me! We hdvr our own inclosed front gardens so really not an issue.
I'm a bit of a sucker for smoothing over issues

To be honest you've probably already put up with too much but I can understand that because you're going to be living next to them soon. I think the best way forward is to accept you are not going to have a cordial neighbourly relationship. Refer her to the council with any further complaints and stop making yourself available to her. Grey rock - make yourself appear as dull an interesting as possible by just not responding anymore. She's only keeping this going because she's getting a response from you. Become like a boring uninteresting grey rock. Have nothing to offer in the way of a response. And do keep in mind it's better to just not engage people like this if your in the UK and want to sell in future because you'll have to declare any neighbour disputes, do don't play into that one. Withdraw contact and don't respond, appear uninterested or too busy in future.

You'll probably find this is a carry over from the last owners. They feel so aggrieved and anxious not to have trouble again that they want to establish control before you move in, but in doing so they can't see that it is themselves being completely unreasonable. These sort of things can't usually be smoothed over with a dose of people pleasing so be prepared to have to stop all contact because they will probably continue complaining constantly anyway. It's what people like this thrive on.

Mark my words, even after you move in and the work stops they will still find endless things to complain about. People like this are usually the cause of neighborhood conflicts but see themselves as the victims. My best advice is to backtrack and stop responding, keep your relationship strictly on a 'hello, goodbye' basis and stop feeding their behaviour by responding to their complaints. If you refer them to the council and they keep raising complaints with the council about petty things (and people like this are very pretty minded) then you'll have an official record and if it develops you can tell the council you believe there's an element of harassment in their constant complaints because they didn't like the previous owner and were verbally abusive to them.

She's clearly quite nervous and anxious Can I suggest she might be living in fear with an aggressive and bullying husband who is now using her to do his harassment of the neighbours since he can't? She may feel trapped and that she has to speak to you due to being scared of what he will say or do to her if she doesn't.

I know that doesn't take away the sheer relentlessness of the complaints (and maybe she isn't innocent in all of it) but you've met her - is that possible? If so maybe that perspective helps you see how to handle some of it in a different way with her at least? You can still be firm with her but also nice with it, a kind version of 'grey rock'.

After you have moved in, if a particular complaint seems reasonable then you can act on it to show you are willing to listen in those circumstances (as I'm sure you would with any ''normal' neighbour). But be clear with her when complaints and moaning are trivial, unfair, or plain ridiculous.

If it comes to it, you may need to make the fence higher to cut the chance of screaming and swearing over the fence, if it happens. But hopefully being assertive and sticking up for yourself will make them back down.

I do sympathise, I know how stressful it can be having a difficult neighbour.

You have to stop dancing to their tune.
If your tree is hanging over, they trim it back, not you.

You need to learn to ignore them. Stop allowing your children to accept sweets from them. Say hello if you wish to appear polite but let that be the extent of your interactions. As soon as they even hint at complaining about something petty just walk away.

What’s grey rock?

Op you need to play hardball here. She's coming with to you with different grievances so ask her to write down all the grievances she had for you and what solution they would like so for example if she writes down its too noisy you can give a solution that noisy building work will only be between 9 and 6 mon to Friday. If shes worried about parking tell her you won't park in front of her drive and make sure the workmen don't either...hopefully she will be too embarrassed to write down any ridiculous requests!!

@FAQs no reaction like a grey rock

Never heard that before, every day is a school day, I do that to one of my neighbours but never knew of had a name

@Justmeandme19

Thank you. They really didn't get one with the last neighbours (surprise suprise). One of the issues were over hanging trees! They used to get to the point of screaming and swearing over the fence, I'm not interested in that! Tbh I think it stems from him, he used to be out screaming at the neighbours, but he just gives the orders from his sofa now!! She's gives my kids sweets and speaks to them, they like her to. So it's difficult to go grey rock. Sometimes the trades man have only done about an hour of work before she comes over, she will then speak for ages about her husbands ill health etc etc. She's clearly quite nervous and anxious as some of the stuff has been rediculous. Eg I've been up all night worrying that you parking out the front will effect me! We hdvr our own inclosed front gardens so really not an issue. I'm a bit of a sucker for smoothing over issues

Don't trim branches on their side, just let them know they are welcome to do it themselves. If they disturb the workmen just say the quicker they can do the work, the quicker they and their noise will be gone. What issue do they have with parking? Sorry if you've mentioned it already, I may have missed it.

I think you need to be bright and breezy with them and not get drawn in.

Ha ha I'm aware of "grey rock" as I had to do this with my ex husband. To make it clearer (was trying to be a bit discreet) most of the trade men are my family, which they are aware of. So again I think we have been more patient than most.
I don't want any trouble, iv had enough to last a life time already!! . But I'm also not prepared to be a walk over.
The ironic and funny thing is the old neighbour who lived in my house has moved a few doors down from them .
They have also made comments about the possibility that they might not be able to see up the road once my front garden is dug out for parking. How it's not nice just being able to look forward out of the window or just at the tv.
Yes I think she is scared of him, or is worried others will upset him as he will then struggle out waving his walking Stick and shouting. I once said to her, "why doesn't he come out and complain instead". She said I wouldn't like that as he would say things he regreted.
It's relentless and petty and I can see it getting worse once we have moved in. I'm not prepared to be a prisoner in my own home or to be expecting the children not to make any noise.
Think I may just say hello and move on (already started doing this). She wanted to stay for a chat in her back garden after moaning about the so called over hanging branches. I just kept on walking, was polite but said I needed to get on.

We have a nightmare complaining neighbour.

I was very patient and got very stressed trying to placate her (including spending money to fix/change things that weren't even of our causing or responsibility - even fixing the road WE own that she has access over because she was unhappy that our builder had slightly damaged it).

In the end I snapped and sent a message saying I was fed up with the constant complaining.

Bizarrely, we haven't had a single additional complaint and they now wave at us as if we are best friends.

It's not necessarily the best way (as my message was sent when I'd been tipped over the edge of total stress) but it bizarrely did the trick and I am now a whole lot less stressed about living in my own house!

That's all you can do IP. Stop being available to listen to her complaints. You'll probably find this is a long entrenched pattern with them anyway. With people like that it won't matter what you do to your property, they'll still find something to complain about.

Forever
O dear least it worked. I'm afraid it probably won't with my neighbours as they have fallen out with many people in the street. I'm sure their approaches must have been different, but they continue to complain.
I think I need a few standard comments and keep it to that. Eg we agreed work will take place between 8-5. Maybe when she goes on about his illnesses I should say "o dear I guess that happens when you get older" or "I hope he gets better soon". I think I've been a bit too nice so far. But I carnt be bothered to listen to her moan any more. The good thing is I have cctv installed so if they make a complaint or some thing I can proof what's happened. Thank you all for your advise.

Hangeron
I think your 100%correct. She gets something out of the moaning. It's so ingrained I won't be able to change it. I should just not make my self available o listen to it. That's good advice.

In addition to the good advice here, Its perfectly ok to speak to her but when she starts complaining say ‘ill stop you there’ or something like that, i had to do it a little with my old neighbour but we mostly got on well and i miss her now shes died.

You cannot give in to them because there will never be a point when they are happy!

Claphands
I think that is a good response. She often wants to just talk! And complain. It all just gets mixed up in one, if you know what I mean. It's a bit conflicting for me as she's not necessarily rude and obviously a bit lonely. So I just end up listening. I need to make myself less approachable.
At one stage we needed some major work being done, I explained that on this occasion I needed to just work till it was done. This also benefited them. By the end of the first day he had got himself in such a state his wife had called an ambulance and he ended up in hospital. The next day he returned, we were still doing the work. Asked him if he was ok and said we were glad he was back. He just complainecthat there had better not be any dust on his car!!

I thought I had killed him I felt dreadful!!!

Get some big headphones... Wear them and sing along every time you see her coming...

Ha ha!! Going over to do some work over there today. If she complains I'm going to stop her and polity tell her I've had enough of it, etc. I think I've been a bit over accommodating and need to assert my self.

Trellis and climbing plants on the fence. I get on well with my neighbours on both sides, but we all have good fences.