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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why the hell does he do this!?

21 replies

Oneoddsock · 14/07/2021 15:36

Three years ago I met a guy at work. We had an intense, really romantic relationship. It was wonderful but I ended it because he was hung up on his ex, he was terrible at emotions and communicating and I got hurt.
Every time he did something to upset me I would tell him and instead of apologising he would just go cold. He would always wait on me initiating messaging or conversation but he would always reply and engage when I reached out.
We work together although not directly together. I see him but don’t work with him. We had a chat a few months ago about being friends and talked about our good times we had. I told him I didn’t want anything romantically but I miss him in my life. He agreed.
Fast forward till now. I messaged him last week, he replied. He hasn’t initiated since.
It’s always me making conversation, he always seems happy and giddy when we talk, he even blushes but he won’t initiate anything! And frankly I’m done. I’m done with chasing him around. I get the feeling that he wants me to want him but he couldn’t actually care less about me.
He never fought for me when we broke up. In fact no contact lasted 1.5 years, he never once reached out…but the moment I do he’s happy to see and talk to me.
If I asked to meet him for coffee he would be there.
But he could go the rest of his life without ever asking me.
It’s really faded out now because I have left it and not chased and we are barely talking at work because he’s waiting for me to make moves.
I’m not going to pursue this anymore but for god sake why does he do this!
It seems when we actually talk he does care and he’s really into it but when I let go of the rope he doesn’t catch it.

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 14/07/2021 15:42

He shows signs of being an abuser op. You’re not allowed to pull him up on any of his bad behaviours. When you do, instead of apologising he gives you the silent treatment until you reach out to him. I don’t think he’s got any interest in you at all, but he seems to have some sort of weird hold over you. After years of him treating you like shit you’re still trying to get his attention. He’s there when you ask him to be because he likes seeing the power he has over you. You’re an ego boost for him

Justcallmebebes · 14/07/2021 15:49

It's very, very simple. He's just not into you. Accept it and move on to someone who does make an effort and is worthy of your time and effort. He's not

Men are pretty easy to read. If he acts as though he's not that bothered, it's because he's not

Oneoddsock · 14/07/2021 15:49

@LtDansleg yeah it does seem that way. It’s honestly been a light bulb moment realising that he doesn’t initiate anything with me and him not apologising are linked.
He used to sit online at night and almost goad me to message him, popping online every few minutes when I was on but he would never message first.
In the early days of our relationship he did go out his way for me, chased me, pursued me but after our first falling out he doesn’t and never has since.
He’s not hanging around at break times or after work like he used to. He just goes.
But if I messaged him and asked him to wait he would.
I’m not gonna chase him ever again, guess that’s it then.
It was my birthday a month ago and we had decided to be friends before that and the fucker never even acknowledged it.
The confusing and worst part is when we are together it’s really lovely, you would never think he’s going to behave like this when we aren’t together.

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 14/07/2021 16:12

How about you stop all this messing around and treat him as you would any other work colleague?

All that's happening at the moment is that you're giving his ego a polish every time you contact him.

username18702 · 14/07/2021 16:13

He's a saddo into the surge he gets from being 'the one in charge' with you running around after him. He gets a kick out of you messaging him first. He gets a kick out of not being that bothered with you doing all the running.

Most people aren't into the petty nuances of that crap and it's best to give those who are, a giant swerve.

Next time you meet someone like that. One who doesn't ever message you first, never responds, goes silent when you bring up problems - dump and block. Men you want relationships with, don't act like that OP.

Cutex507 · 14/07/2021 16:18

I think you are reading far more into his behaviour than what is there. You agreed to be friends, so why are you arsed if he wants to be with you or not? The only person who comes across as not being over anything is you OP.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2021 16:20

I'd change your status so that he can't see if you're online, but actually you'd be much better off just blocking him.

CorianderBee · 14/07/2021 16:34

He's manipulative and a game player and punished you with silence. I'd say you've actually had a lucky escape

Oneoddsock · 14/07/2021 16:42

@Cutex507 in friendship I would still like him to make an effort and show me he wants to be part of my life. I feel like I’m chasing him around for crumbs, I thought being friends would rid of all that relationship politics but it feels exactly the same

OP posts:
pollypocketlover · 14/07/2021 17:11

He's not your friend OP, let go. He's using you for an ego boost, for some entertainment and for some attention, that's all.

xsquared · 14/07/2021 17:13

[quote Oneoddsock]@Cutex507 in friendship I would still like him to make an effort and show me he wants to be part of my life. I feel like I’m chasing him around for crumbs, I thought being friends would rid of all that relationship politics but it feels exactly the same[/quote]
He's not a true friend if he treats you like this. People who do not accept responsibility for their behaviour is a huge red flag, so steer clear of him.

Do not delude yourself into thinking you can ever be friends because he has already shown you who he is and he is getting away with treating you like shit.

TheFoundations · 14/07/2021 17:26

[quote Oneoddsock]@Cutex507 in friendship I would still like him to make an effort and show me he wants to be part of my life. I feel like I’m chasing him around for crumbs, I thought being friends would rid of all that relationship politics but it feels exactly the same[/quote]
Boundaries boundaries boundaries.
It doesn't matter why he does what he does. Forget trying to work out how someone else thinks. The people who you love and trust and know well, your family, your closest friends: do you ever have to work out why they do the things they do?

Puzzling over someone's mindset is a red flag feeling. People who are good for you make you feel good. Not puzzled, not dismissed.

Boundaries 101: If someone you're does something that makes you uncomfortable (upset, confused, disrespected, minimised etc etc), calmly tell them how what they did made you feel. If they keep doing it, leave them, because that behaviour is more important to them than your feelings.

Umberellatheweatha · 14/07/2021 17:43

Why would you want to be friends with a fucking asshole?

He isnt capable of being your friend because he is a dickhead. Coincidentally, that's also why he acts like he does. Because.he.is.a.dickhead.

Raise your standards.

premium77 · 14/07/2021 18:03

You’re not expecting too much of this ‘friendship’. Find other friends

Oneoddsock · 14/07/2021 18:04

I think your all right indeed.
I think I’ve been feeling confusion because when I reach out he then apologises but he doesn’t do it off his own bat. He seems genuine face to face.
I have even thought that maybe I’ve been a bit cool and he’s backed off because I have. I took a small step back from initiating and he seems to have backed right off. I’m not sure if he just mirrors me or what’s going on!?
I wasn’t going to make conversation at work today but I passed him a couple of times and he ‘looked busy’ but if I was all bubbly and went and approached him he would be quite happy with that and respond.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 14/07/2021 18:10

I’m not sure if he just mirrors me or what’s going on

It doesn't matter why he's doing what he does, it only matters how it makes you feel.

if I was all bubbly and went and approached him he would be quite happy with that and respond

Like any colleague would.

Oneoddsock · 14/07/2021 18:16

I’m not going to message him or approach him about it. I’m quietly going to distance myself and get on with my own life. I can still be polite to him in passing.
This time though, I’m not going to sit around waiting and hoping for him to get in contact or make an effort or for him to miss me.
I guess if he can go over a year without contact then he’s not bothered is he.
If friendship means I have to go round chasing him, feeling like I’m disrespecting myself then it’s not a worthwhile friendship Sad

OP posts:
TeardropsFallingOnHotSand · 14/07/2021 18:21

Nature says he is supposed to chase your tail as you lead the chase. It's like he has been neutered.

Oneoddsock · 14/07/2021 18:32

@TeardropsFallingOnHotSand exactly! Grin it doesn’t feel natural me chasing, and it’s fucking boring.

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 14/07/2021 21:26

He sounds like massive hard work OP I think you're right to distance yourself. If any man genuinely likes you and wants to be with you, you wouldn't have to do all of the chasing or initiating all of the time. He sounds like a total headf'ck tbh. He's not relationship material at all.

xsquared · 14/07/2021 21:48

You're confused because he's playing mind games and is too immature and cowardly to communicate with you in an authentic, grown up way.

He will never value your friendship as long as you keep demeaning yourself by doing all the chasing. People like him get off on causing pain and confusion to others.

They do not see you as a person with feelings but as a play thing. He's played with you like Teddy, dropped you when he saw Barbie, then picked you back up again when he got bored with Barbie.

Leave him be op, and learn to love and respect yourself. He clearly doesn't.

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