Is this what life should be like

[2437cakequeen]

I don't really know what my aim is as I know I'm unlikely to change anything but I suppose I just need to say all my thoughts out loud as I don't think I can say them to anyone in RL.

Been with dh for 15 years and married 8. Have 2 amazing kids 7 & 20m.
I think we got off to a bad start tbh. We met at uni, I'd never had a relationship before and had very low self esteem (still do) and I became smitten. I hung around for 6 months waiting, spending time with him, flirting etc and eventually he reciprocated.
Within the first 2 years he'd almost cheated once, and looking back maybe I'd flirted too much with another man (who he then warned off to the point that me and said man stopped speaking completely)

We then had our dd and when she was 18m old he slept in bed with an older woman. From what I saw of the messages it was hugging, maybe groping (it wasnt explicitly mentioned and he's never come clean only saying nothing happened) but it was definitely over a line trust wise.
My crippling fear of everything ending meant I let him off. I'm not sure the apology was even that much, there was no grovelling.
I told him to remove all contact as far as he could (she was a colleague) but a few months later I found he'd emailed her privately wanting to stay in touch/meet as she'd left the company.
Again, I stupidly went into my shell and moved past it.

We rolled on as you do. I focused on being a mum, tried to move on.
Our sex life struggled. I'm not sure we ever had good sex to start with (God I've always wanted that frantic passionate sex, but nope, never had it and now we just don't have sex at all, which is probably on me) and after everything that had gone before, we went through constant roller coasters. I found it was more for conception than fun.

Then we had our son and a pandemic arrived. Being couped up together has been hard. He's a nice enough guy, rather lazy (but I think I am quite critical and def expect him to step up to help and he's better than he used to be) I feel i'm no fun anymore. But maybe that's because it's like I'm the only adult sometimes.

I'm slowly finding myself again after my son, losing weight, making changes to my job etc and I'm just not sure what we are any more. We get along generally, although nit pick and argue a lot more now. I put it down to lockdown and just needing space, but part of me just thinks this is how it is now. Are we better as friends.

I don't particularly find him attractive any more. He's a bit overweight, doesn't bother with himself, but don't feel I can say anything as I didn't and am only now sorting myself out.
I feel bad as he's an OK bloke. He's never hit me, abused me in any way and the cheating stuff happened 6 years ago so I should be over it. I'm not sure I am though.

Is this just what relationships are? I'm right that they aren't like the movies are they. Where you still get those butterflies after 15 years. That at some point you are more companions than anything else.

Like I said, I'm too scared to be alone, I've never been with anyone else, I wouldn't want to ruin the stability for our kids, the relationship they have with their dad.
But I just feel like this maybe isn't what life is supposed to be like.
Am I just craving the past where you felt those flutters of new love? Fantasising about being with someone I find attractive etc

He's never hit me, abused me in any way and the cheating stuff happened 6 years ago so I should be over it. I'm not sure I am though.

This is a really low bar. And no not all relationships are like that and I certainly wouldn't settle for that. DH and I have been together since high school, what you describe doesn't resonate with me at all. Please don't waste any more years if you're unhappy, you deserve to find your partner attractive, to feel secure, have passionate sex. It's out there, but you won't find it trapped in an unhappy marriage.

Although talk to him first of course, if it's not a conversation you've had before you could both try to improve things. But if they don't, don't be afraid to walk away!

Could you have an honest frank discussion? There must have been some good times surely to have stayed together this long so sounds like you have gotten stuck in a rut and need to talk to each other.

Yes, there have been good times. I'd say not consistently for a while but intermittent for sure. It feels like we are friends without the passion there.
I'm quite regularly trying to talk through our issues and open communication. I'm not sure if dh genuinely doesn't think there is a problem, or doesn't think it's his problem or what as he never initiates it, doesn't really say anything, has no suggestions to improve things and then doesn't try and do anything that we decide we should.
It feels like if he's fine with the status quo because the alternative means a) facing up to our issues and b) doing something

I'm so sorry, 2438cake. You were very young to be so committed, certainly by today's standards.

Before you decide on anything, frank conversations are necessary between you and husband. Be clear and slow, listen to what he has to say, go over it again the next day.

If you do part you will at least both know why and can be cordial while co-parenting.

What is sad is you fearing being alone. Counselling might help you with that. It sounds as though you are getting your act together now, please build on that, your self esteem will increase. You may find being on your own is not so bad after all.

The example you set your kids of 'how a relationship should look' is very very important to their future happiness, because they will likely replicate exactly what you show them.

If you're too scared to be alone, why is that? What would happen if you were single? What are the consequences that you're scared of?

Think of how freeing it could be to be with a man who truly loves and appreciates you and to finally experience passion. He's just taking the mick tbh.

I totally get what you mean OP but I think just because two people are nice or attractive or not violent doesn’t mean they’re compatible and life is too short to just exist.

What stuck out for me is that you’ve lost weight but he hasn’t. But if you were overweight before then I think it’s a bit unfair to now judge him for it.
It just sounds like he is happy stick on his rut and you want more. I would sit him down and have a really honest conversation (apart from the weight aspect) and discus whether you both want to try and make it work and go to couples therapy etc or just call it a day and stay friends instead of ending up resenting each other and having a messy break up.

I think I've feared being alone for a very long time. I've always felt like life is for being with others and having grown up being bullied, taken 20 years to find true friends, spent a lot of my youth feeling alone, its not somewhere I want to end up.

I think I struggle to really be totally open with him as I think he is happy in the status quo. It would be much easier if he was also feeling unhappy or prepared to admit he was.
Whenever I want to talk and say that I'm not happy, he doesn't reciprocate the idea and seems content.
Feels like it then becomes a one way street with me just moaning, trying to figure out ways to make things better and him not really understanding as he's kind of OK with where we already are.

Op, what you're describing is merely 'existing', not living.

Do you really want to settle for ''Uh, it's ok...........I suppose..... maybe it'd be better if.........he hadn't cheated.........I hadn't had to squash down my feelings and 'pretend' everything's ok.........probably better than being 'alone'..........maybe......if he wasn't as unattractive now.......''

As a PP said, that's a bloody low bar you've set !

Where is the joy?
Where is the laughter?
Where is the happiness ?
Where is the 'looking forward to sharing a future' ?

I wouldn't stay in a job that was as dismal as you describe your marriage to be ffs

This is hard, isn't it? I've been with DH for 13 years, married for 8. We are also failing in the sex department, but I know it's because we enjoy our wine too much in the evening. We do want to get back on track, and to be honest everything else in our relationship is wonderful. But we don't have children to contend with, as my children (not his) are adults. This means we have plenty of time for each other. I think a 7 year old and a baby are always going to make for a busy life, full of life admin for your family, which can make romance hard at the best of times. Do you want to get the sex back on track? If you both do, then I think that's a good starting point.

I'm not the best to ask about the cheating. My first H cheated on me for many years, and I couldn't get past it. We were together for 20 years, but 4 years after finding out, I left (with the kids who were 11 & 9 then). If I'm being very kind, I tell myself that because we got together at 17 & 19, that there was no way he was going to not have a mid life crisis and want to sample other women. But as he targetted all my friends (for kisses) I just couldn't forgive.

I worry for my DD who is 22 and in a very serious relationship since age 19, as in can any person (esp a man) actually go for an entire lifetime only shagging one woman? When I met my now DH, he had had sex with multiple women and had gotten all of that shagging around out of his system.